FILM SCHOOL 101

BY

DAVID

Welcome to FILM SCHOOL 101. My page will be primarily dedicated to the discussion of film and cinema related topics including reviews of new release films, critiques of classic films and general cinematic knowledge and debate.

On this page I will only discuss films that I personally enjoy or have some specific interest in. I am a professional film critic, NOT a film reviewer or entertainment editor. I have degrees in film production and film criticism and have been writing about film for over 10 years. If you want a book report on a movie, celebrity gossip, or pandering to studio publicity, you will not find that here. My job is simply to tell you what I thought of the film and why.

 

                          

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In Theaters Now

 

Footloose (F)

Julianne Hough of Dancing with the Stars fame (23 and looks even older) co-stars with 28 yr. old Kenny Wormald (who?) in the remake of the 1984 classic starring Kevin Bacon and the late Chris Penn. In the original, they taught real actors how to dance. In this one, they've opted to show real dancers how to act. The original plan worked out much better. If this wasn't a rip-off, I mean remake, it would still be a D rated film but having the audacity to fuck up this landmark movie and turn it into some cross between 21 Jump Street, where all the "high school kids" are pushing 30 and an episode of "Glee," drops it down even further on the ranking. Acting is bad, the only good lines are the word for word copies from the original and for some reason, everyone in this town where dancing is outlawed is a professional break dancer and have no problem bustin out a move at the drop of a hat.

 

This is also the Mormon's attempt at re-writing history, like Mitt Romney trying to explain healthcare. The original film was shot in Utah and the church didn't like the negative publicity that came as a result of the film's popularity. They are behind this remake starring Hough, a devote Mormon, who is actually from Utah. To shift the bad PR away from temple square, the remake now takes place in Georgia. Just a fact that should not go un-noticed by viewers, seeing as how the church went to such great lengths to make the change. Wherever it takes place, like most remakes today, it sucks and should be ashamed of itself.

 

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas (F)

What's my rule about movies in 3D? That's right, they will be horrible. This one is not the exception unfortunately. I thought H&K Go to White Castle was an excellent and hilarious film. The 2nd one, lost its way and failed to capture the same magic. I had high hopes for this sequel as the Christmas theme seemed to be ripe for this franchise to exploit. Unfortunately however, there are long stretches where the space between laughs becomes almost uncomfortable. Do you remember those Ernest Goes To movies? This one is about as funny as the 3rd one of those.

 

Moneyball (C-)

Brad Pitt stars as Billy Beane, the man behind the Oakland A's meteoric rise to championship caliber baseball without spending the obscene amounts of money teams like the Yankees are famous for. With the help of a college intern/statistical whiz kid played by a slimmed down Jonah Hill, the two assemble a world series team on a shoe string budget, throwing out the old methods of scouting and replacing them with spreadsheets and charts. It took me 3 sentences to explain it and really they have about 4 pages of script. The rest is filler. That's a lot of "you're crazy Billy, that will never work" for an hour an a half film. We GET it, you revolutionized the sport, you're a big fat genius and nobody but you ever thought it would work. The Yankees still have more titles.

 

Tower Heist (C+)

This was a project Eddie Murphy has been trying to get made for over a decade and he came up with the original premise. In his version, it was going to be an all black Ocean's 11. He wanted it to star Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence and probably Sinbad too. Thankfully, nobody wanted to make that movie, so they made it topical by tossing in a corrupt Wall St. ponzi scheme and almost no other black actors. No talent Bret Ratner signed on to direct: Ben Stiller, Casey Affleck, Mathew Broderick and that fat girl from Precious. As it turns out, she is the only good thing in this film and is very funny. At least they talked Murphy out of playing all the characters like he usually does. Ironically, this film was supposed to launch Murphy back into the consciousness of the movie going public and as a result, he was offered the hosting gig on the Oscars. When Ratner ran his mouth and got in trouble and was fired as the director of the awards show next year, Murphy, as a show of solidarity, quit as well. When your only exposure in over a decade comes from doing the voice of cartoon donkey, you probably don't want to burn that bridge on principle. Oh well, pretty sure he was going to be horrible anyway. Hey, remember Delirious (1983)?

 

30 Minutes or Less (D)

An unsuspecting pizza delivery guy is kidnapped and has a bomb strapped to him by some would-be bank robbers. If he doesn't knock off the local bank and return with the money, the kidnappers will blow him up. At a loss, he enlists the aid of his level headed friend and the 2 set about devising a plan to get the money without getting shot, arrested or blown up in the process. Sadly, this is actually based on a true story. This comedy isn't much funnier. It has a lot of really good comic talent but is really dumb. It just seems poorly thought out and has a thrown together feeling. Perhaps the title isn't as much an homage to the pizza delivery motto as it is how long they actually took writing the script?

 

In Time (B)

This was a thought provoking foray into the science fiction world of a time in the not too distant future when time itself becomes currency. Justin Timberlake stars as a young man, who works hard to accumalate time but is somewhat of a soft touch, albeit generous when sharing it with his friends and family resulting in him never getting ahead. That all changes when a chance encounter with a stranger leaves him with several lifetimes worth of time. Ironically, enough time that it could get you killed. This is one of those be careful of what you wish for tales and Timberlake's character finds out quickly that life is much more complicated on the other side of the 'time' tracks, as he attempts to fit in with the well to do set. His acting is again top notch and the story is well conceived. Think a cross between Logan's Run and Minority Report and you're in the ball park. 

 

Also in Theaters...

  The Three Musketeers (F-)

I struggle on where to even start explaining how absurd, stupid, and unbelievably unbelievable this film is. The first 5 minutes might be the most ridiculous montage ever put on the screen. Example: a knight in full, black armor emerges from being completely underwater in a canal to spring into a surprise attack against some unwitting guards. I would very much like to put the director and the screenwriters in a full suit of armor that weighs what? 150 lbs. and throw them in a canal, so they could try to swim up behind me stealthily and spring out of the water to attack me with, oh yeah I almost forgot, a myriad of gadget weapons like a musketeer-ninja-knight-Navy Seal. All of this of course is explained by the fact that the director's previous works are mostly film adaptations of video games, which makes one wonder why he was handed the reigns to a classic piece of literature? There are a handful of decent actors in this movie, just not any of the main characters who you've never heard of and hopefully won't again. Orlando (Pirates of the Caribbean) Bloom is in it, only because he already had the moustache and knee high boots I can only assume. Speaking of POTC, I blame them for this bastardized version. It was brutally obvious that the film makers were attempting a creating a similar franchise, including the "who cares" cliffhanger at the end. Did I mention there is a flying Spanish galleon sailing shit attached to a floating dirigible ala the Hindenburg that the screenwriters explained was stolen from Da Vinci's secret vault. My greatest fear is that 20 years from now, kids today will think that this silly crap IS the actual story of the 3 Musketeers. Everyone in this film should have their SAG union card revoked and be forced to do infomercials only. This film is to swashbuckling action movies what Will Smith's "Wild Wild West" is to westerns.

 

  REAL STEEL (D)

This is #1 at the box office because there's nothing else out and kid's movies always pull big numbers. It is certainly not because it's a good movie. You've already seen it btw if you've seen a tv commercial for it. That's it, the whole movie. For those who haven't, take equal parts "Over the Top" and "Short Circuit" and ad additional sappy. Yes, that's Hugh "Wolverine" Jackman as the down and out former boxer who is thrown back together with his estranged son, whose broken spirit and broken relationship can only be mended by an old, worn out, boxing robot, who might have just enough magic left in him to pull out one more, long shot victory against what would seem like an unbeatable opponent. Cheeeese Zeeeeee.

 

  What's Your Number?  (D)

I really like Anna Farris and respect the challenges that finding roles for the ditzy but loveable blond can present. She's a very fine actress and one might even suggest, this generations version of Marilyn Monroe (think about it.) This is the tale of a girl who reads a Cosmo article about the number of men a woman has slept with signaling what kind of woman they are. Her number seems higher than she'd like, so she opts to revisit her list to see if she's missed Mr. Right somewhere along the way. I pretty much liked everyone in this movie and I'm a fan of romantic comedies IF they are done well. This one is not. The storyline, dialogue and jokes are terrible. The movie seems very long and there is no chemistry between or connection to any of the characters. This generation of film makers genuinely struggles with this genre. They all use the same recipe and the cake almost always comes out wrong.

 

  Drive (A-)

This is a very interesting film. Highly stylized and feeling very much like an anti-hero movie of the 1970's, "Drive" is the story of a loner who makes his living behind the wheel of a car, driving get-a-ways for heists when he's not doing stunt work on a movie set. Ryan Gosling ("Crazy, Stupid, Love") with this singular performance has completely transformed his entire career as an actor and how the audience and Hollywood sees him. He nails this role and pulls off the stoic yet likeable, non traditional leading man with complete believability. The music, dialogue, action and even the wardrobe speak to films like "The Driver (1978), Vanishing Point (1971) and the original "Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)." It's a cool, unsettling and engrossing film that isn't like most things coming out of Hollywood these days. Also look for comic legend Albert Brooks to get an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor from his not at all funny role. The ending's a little weird but somehow it seems to fit this atypical and rebellious film.

 

  KILLER ELITE (B)

This movie (another remake!!!) should have kicked ass but it kinda doesn't. It stars Jason Statham, Clive Owen and Robert DeNiro as specialized assassins, each the best at what they do. When DeNiro botches a job and is held hostage, his protégé Statham must finish the job or DeNiro's dead. Standing in his way is Owen's character, a former British SAS commander whose lethal skills rival Statham's character. There is plenty of action, violence, shooting, explosions and steely glares but it just never really clicks. DeNiro looks absolutely silly wielding an automatic weapon at his age and certainly strains the credibility of the character. Statham seemed distracted, like his heart wasn't in it and comes in 2nd in many scenes to Owen, acting wise. It's good, when it should have been great.

 

  Contagion (C)

Ehh, you know those smiley faces with the straight line instead of the smile? That's what you have here. A terrifying premise of a super bug that spreads all over the world in epidemic fashion with the potential to wipe us all out...and yet, this film doesn't put you on the edge of your seat. The biggest difference between this film and one like "Outbreak" is that they never established enough of a personal connection between the viewer and the protagonist. It's like the difference between when you hear that a little girl who lives next door to your parents that you knew, got hit by a car vs. 10,000 people died in flood in Mumbai. The impact is always greater from the individual you know than the masses you just hear about. That's what happened here, it wasn't like you ever viewed this film from a 1st person perspective but rather like watching the evening news.

 

  Red State (F)

The formally brilliant director Kevin Smith ("Clerks") is behind this story of a far right wing, religious cult that lures young college kids to remote trailer parks with the promise of a MILF gangbang, only to use them in church going sacrifices. This movie is all over the place and looks like they wrote the screenplay as they went along. Smith has struggled of late and lost his confidence and mojo after the failures of "Jersey Girl, Cop Out and Zach and Miri." This film won't do much for his self esteem I'm afraid. He tried to go back to his low budget roots but this just looks amateurish, cheap and poorly made. I hope he gets his magic back but if he doesn't, I hope he never gets to make more films like this.

 

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New Release DVD's

 

Columbiana (C-)

Zoe Saldana ("The Losers") plays Cataleya, a stone cold, hit woman who can kill anyone, anytime. She pursues this life of violence after witnessing her parents brutally murdered by a Columbian drug lord and vows revenge. This was written by the great Luc Besson ("Transporter, La Femme Nikita, The Professional"). This movie is completely different from "The Professional," that film features a stone cold, hit woman who can kill anyone, anytime. She pursues this life of violence after witnessing her parents brutally murdered by an American drug lord and vows revenge. Totally different. Unfortunately for the 2011 version its all the same but not as good. The young Cataleya held some promise but seemed to go flat when they fast forwarded to Saldana as the grown up version. If you've never seen "The Professional" (you should), this might be more entertaining but if you have, you'll be ringing your hands and writhing in your seat through most of the movie. It also has one of the worst, most convoluted plot devices I have EVER seen in a movie. Look for the friend photo background check scene to see what I mean. Well below Besson's usual writing.

 

  Friends with Benefits (A)

I must admit, I had pretty low expectations going into this film. For some reason, Hollywood can't seem to pull off a good romantic comedy anymore. They put in all the formula and get the box office stars but the magic never happens. This film has the same basic premise of another film that came out earlier in the year, "no strings attached" where two friends decide to hook up and knock boots without the troublesome emotional ties that inevitably lead to heartbreak and drama. Of course this never works, in real life or the movies. The difference here is some good writing, and authentic chemistry between Timberlake, who I think is an exceptional actor and Mila Kunis. This film seems very real and not scripted and formulaic...much. It was very enjoyable and lighthearted without being sappy. I'd go so far as to say I'd watch it again.

 

  Crazy Stupid Love (C+)

When I see movies like this, I want to punch Tarentino in the face. After "Pulp Fiction," like a million movies came out that had completely divergent storylines that all intersect by the end of the film in a big, surprise mashup. Make that a million and one films. Steve Carrell plays a newly divorced husband who is in a rut and has no idea how to pick up chicks in the 21st century. Enter Ryan Gosling, a suave lounge lizard who has more notches in his headboard than a wild west gun fighter does on his six gun. Gosling takes Carrell's character under his wing and gives him game. It all gets crazy when Gosling finds true love with a girl who just happens to be Carrell's daughter. Oh yeah, spoiler alert...sorry. It doesn't suck and there are some funny parts but overall, its not anywhere near as clever as it thinks it is.

 

  Conan the Barbarian (D)

Not even close. Arnold Schwarzenegger was a 7 time Mr. Olympia. This new guy looks like he should be selling you straight leg jeans down at Abercrombie and Fitch. The story starts out pretty good. The young Conan is a bit of a bad ass and I held out some hope for where this might go. Sadly, it went to lame town and took a long ass time to get there. The story is like a bad episode of Xena: Warrior Princess, the acting is terrible and the dude is just... they were trying for a Conan 2.0 with great abs but not all muscle bound so the ladies would like him. EPIC FAIL. Arnold would've snapped this guy like twig back in the day. But hey, he is more buff than Adrien Brody, who they replaced Schwarzenegger with in the "Predator" franchise. "Conan the Barbarian" is a classic film. What were they thinking? You can't replace the Austrian Oak with some Calvin Klein underwear model.

 

  The Change Up (F)

I saw the press these guys did for this movie. They knew it was shit and could barely bring themselves to promote it with a straight face. This is the classic changing identity, grass is greener, story that we've seen done over and over, usually with a son or daughter swapping with a parent. This time, its two buddies - one successful and driven, the other a complete slacker with a peter pan complex who won't grow up. The hook in this one was supposed to be that in all those other films, they were made for kids and had a G or PG rating. These guys got to say swear words, big whoop. Go see "Big" "Visa Versa" "Freaky Friday" or ANY of the other switcheroo movies in this genre before viewing this floating turd.

 

  Cowboys and Aliens (C)

When I heard about this film being made, I thought it was a joke. Then when I discovered who was going to be in it, I thought surely this was a sign of the apocalypse. It had to be an April Fool's prank, right? You can't mix two different genres, not to mention, historical and futuristic. Turns out, I was right, you can't. What was sad is that they had a pretty good cowboy movie going here and messed it up with a bunch of stupid alien bullshit. I gave the western a B+ and the alien movie a D-, so it averaged out to a C.

 

Captain America: The First Avenger (D)

This is a very confused movie, not confusing from the viewpoint of the audience but confused as what or should I say, when this movie wants to be. Captain America was a popular comic book figure and his arch enemies were the Nazis, which made the character super popular during the second world war. This movie tries (and fails) and straddling then and now. The backdrop is all 1940's but the gadgets and storyline are all modern day. They even resort to a frozen tundra flashback, very amaturish screenwriting. The action is like any video game out today and the acting /story is rather slow with no real standout performances. If they knew what they wanted, this could have easily been 50 min. shorter and better. As is, it's not quite as good as "Daredevil" or "Thor."

 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II (C)

Well, that's finally over. Can you imagine writing one story for over 10 years? Everyone has to be a little sick of it all by now if they're honest. This is the finale and part 2 in the epilogue of the unfinished film that proceeded it. The one who shall not be named finally gets his show down with the "not so young anymore" wizard. Apparently, they've shot their wad previously and had little new left for the send off. The battle royale was rather anti-climatic and certainly less of a fight than we've seen in earlier films in the series. I suspect, from the ending - that we may not have seen the last of Hogwarts after all. Go back and watch the first couple of films and you'll be struck at the joy and whimsy and wide eyed innocence combined with a uplifting message of good conquering evil. This one was all doom and gloom and misery in comparison. Like a bad relationship that went on too long, it didn't end well.

 

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (F)

Seriously, stop already.

 

Horrible Bosses (B)

This was a punched up twist on the classic film "Strangers on a Train," where 2 people meet by chance and plot to murder people in one another's lives to avoid any connection back to the related person. In this case, 3 friends decide to knock off each other's bosses who are individually driving them crazy. It's funny and the story holds together fairly well. I still say Jason Bateman should stick to TV. Jennifer Anniston has a very provocative role that she handles with surprising aplomb. Certainly a good rental, especially if you have a horrible boss of your own.

 

Larry Crowne (C)

Hollywood believes that you can stick Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in anything and people will go see it. Unfortunately, they're probably right. Hanks plays an average schmo who gets fired from his long time job because he doesn't have a college degree and they can't promote him. He opts to attend college to get his job back and discovers a whole new side of himself once he becomes immersed in the university scene. Roberts plays his communications professor who has become burned out on teaching until her passions become rekindled in more ways than one, thanks to her new "senior" classman. The chemistry is obviously friends not lovers and to be honest, when they go there now, its a little creepy. This film is so chalked full of topical references that it will make absolutely no sense whatsoever to viewers 5 years from now. Hey remember the corporate downsizing after the real estate bubble burst and we were all unemployed and had to ride scooters? Yeah, me neither.

 

Bridesmaids (B-)

The Hangover with boobs. Ok, you want a little more explanation? Some SNL alumni craft a better than average comedy about a group of bridesmaids putting together a pre-wedding wing ding that is more for them, than for the bride and the comical hijinx that ensue. It is not as funny as (the first) Hangover, but then again few things are. It is however certainly funny enough for the kind of film it is.

 

Cars 2 (D)

I so enjoyed the first film, I was really looking forward to this sequel. Unfortunately, they gave all the talented, creative people who knew anything about cars the day off and just went ahead with production anyway. This one is about all the cars going to Europe for a big race and getting mixed up with a silly spy plot while not so subtly preaching the benefits of green technology and the evils of the internal combustion engine. It would be like if you had Al Gore and Ed Biggley Jr. write the screenplay for "Smokey and the Bandit 6." Where they swap out the trans am for an electric hybrid smart car.

 

Bad Teacher (B)

It seems like all I do is review remakes and sequels nowadays. While this one isn't, technically...even the name eludes to the copied premise. Much like Billy Bob's "Bad Santa," this one is about a morally bankrupt, borderline sociopathic, gold digging, party girl who is forced to go back to teaching to pay her bills once she loses her gravy train sugar daddy. She isn't too pleased and takes it out on the kids any way she can. Cameron Diaz does a pretty good job of roughing up her friendly onscreen persona and pulls off the ne'er-do-well role with some credibility. Justin Timberlake however over does his nerdy trust fund born again part and is beneath Timberlake's previous shots at acting. Certainly dark, somewhat predictable but funny to be sure.

 

Green Lantern (B-)

Credit Ryan Reynolds for saving this movie. It's his likeability that makes this watchable. The story is a generic comic book tale come to life, with the prerequisite green screen effects and 7th grade storyline. Reynolds however has enough charisma to transform what could have easily been a less than passable flop, into something at least entertaining. Box office, not reviews or quality of the film will dictate a sequel ...or not. Hey,  at least it's not the "Green Hornet!"

 

  Super 8 (D)

J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg put this movie together so my expectations were obviously very high. Abrams remarked in an interview that he wanted this film to harken back to the early Amblin films of Spielberg like "E.T." which is no small feat, considering Spielberg can't even do that anymore. They both failed miserably. This is a story about some young kids in 1979 who are making a super 8 zombie movie (ala Spielberg's own childhood in Tucson). While filming, there is an incredible crash and explosion of a train that the kids happen to catch on film. Unbeknownst to them, an alien monster has escaped from the wreckage and they now find themselves in the middle of a military cover-up as the Air Force attempts to recapture the creature without letting anyone in their small town know about it. This movie is very slow, boring, poorly acted and worst of all has a terrible story. There isn't a single element of this film that deserves recommendation. It's not even a good 70's throw back film. Extremely disappointing.

 

  XMEN: First Class (C)

Although we've seen flashbacks on the origins of some of the characters and the last film chronicled Wolverine's early life, this takes us to the beginning of Magneto and Professor X. It is ridiculously set against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile crisis of the early 1960's. Kevin Bacon is the baddie in this one, as Magneto is still on the side of the good mutants albeit angst filled and conflicted. Once again, too many mutants for any decent character development, just a lot of look at what I can do and then action sequences that miraculously incorporate whatever their individual mutation is. There is some cheese about perpetual war and xenophobia that is supposed to be timely subtext but it is probably wasted on the core audience who most likely won't even know the Cuban Missile crisis actually happened, although obviously not as a result of mutant meddling. Prequel, sequel... it doesn't much matter. They have squeezed about all they can get out of this franchise. Which means they'll probably only make 5 or 6 more before pulling the plug.

 

  The Tree of Life (F)

Director Terrance Malik fancies himself an auteur, artiste and genius. Fuck him! His movie's suck. And not just on a "that sucked" level but epic, world class, I hated every frame of that horrible piece of shit, I'll never get those 3 hours of my life back, sucking. What's worse, is that he's a much better con man than filmmaker and critics and actors rave about his work like the second coming for fear of being singled out as not being sophisticated enough to grasp its artistry and magic. This is the cinematic version of the king has no clothes. Everyone is afraid to stand up and say, this movie is crap! Perfect example, when this film was shown at Cannes the audience booed and many walked out. So naturally, it won the top honor Palme D'or award for best picture of the film festival as voted by critics. If you still go see this or any other of Malik's "work" you can't hold me responsible since you've been warned and know that anyone who tells you they liked it or how great he is, is a coffee house, beret wearing, poseur and is not to be trusted.

 

  The Hangover Part II (B-)

This was a very strange film. Let me start off by saying it is a good 85% LESS funny than the original even though the basic storyline and characters are the same. This time, the wolfpack goes to Thailand for a wedding and the bachelor party takes on a more international feel. Where it gets weird is that all the stuff that happened in the first film kinda happens here but for some reason, this time it's just not funny. So this movie winds up being depressing and dark vs. off beat and hilarious like the original. Just goes to show that catching lightening in a bottle is usually a one time event.

 

  Pirates of the Caribbean: On Strange Tides (C)

Many critics have not liked this latest installment in the POTC franchise but I thought it was actually better than the last two films in some respect. Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom demonstrated that they actually have some self respect and declined to be in this film after reading the script. Depp however had no such cinematic compunction and showed up again for what must be an obscene payday. He's consistent, pretty much turning in the same performance as the last couple but not eclipsing the masterful turn of the original film. At least in this one, it was more pirate-y and less silliness involving giant rolling things with people sword fighting on top of them. This time, they are looking for the fountain of youth in Florida. Which doesn't make them any different from most of the old, Jewish residents that inhabit the state now. It's an ok movie but none of the sequels have come close to being as entertaining as the first.

 

  Kung Fu Panda II (C)

Kung Fu Panda II: Goin thru the motions. That's what it should have been called. The first one was so well done, with a great martial arts storyline that could have easily been a legit, live action film. It respected the conventions of the genre and incorporated common themes to give the film some validity. This one feels much more like it's about action figures and happy meals. The story isn't even as engaging either as Po searches for his parents after coming to grips with being adopted. The illustration seems less well done and more flat as well. Where the first was a great movie, this one was obviously done to act as a DVD babysitter for the kiddies.

 

  HANNA (B)

This is one crazy movie. I wish the studio would have given them a bigger budget to see what this could have been. Hanna is a young, angel faced girl who was raised her entire life to be a lethal assassin in the frozen tundra of Scandinavia by her father played by Eric Bana, a former CIA agent. It's just a cool premise and when you see this innocent looking girl snappin necks like she's Jason Bourne's little sister, its a hoot. This film takes home schooling to a whole new level. I actually hope they make a sequel and spend some money on it, as this one was obviously shot on a shoestring budget. Still a pretty good, little, offbeat film.

 

  Arthur (C-)

Movies with "II" in the title are bad enough and it seems as though they are the only films being made in Hollywood these days. The only thing worse, is to take a film from 1981 and redo it. "Arthur" originally starred Dudley Moore( "10") and was hilarious, telling the story of a mega wealthy, trust fund baby with a world class Peter Pan complex who refused to grow up. In 1981 the super wealthy were a curiosity but thanks to the likes of Paris Hilton and the Kardasians, trust fund babies have tarnished their limited appeal. They tapped Russell Brand for the remake and while he has a couple of funny bits, you always get the feeling that with Brand, he'd be so much funnier off the page, than following some script. His nanny is played brilliantly however by Helen Miren ("The Queen") and is a big part of why this film didn't score even lower than a C-. Watch the original again unless its 2 for 1 at the DVD store and you get this movie for free.

 

  Your Highness (F)

Was there really a demand for a film that is basically a modern day Cheech and Chong meet King Arthur?? What an utter waste of some talent with Danny McBride ("Eastbound and Down"), Natalie Portman - who should have to give her Oscar back for doing this film and James Franco ("Spiderman") who probably shouldn't do stoner comedies and then try to convince people he wasn't high while hosting the Academy Awards. McBride plays the wasted, loser brother to Franco's characters hero, who join forces with a warrior princess type, on a quest to save a fair maiden from an evil sorcerer. Let the boner and weed jokes begin! Super lame and what should be an embarrassment to everyone involved.

 

THOR (D)

You know how you can tell a movie is going to suck? Its in 3D. This is proof positive that Norse mythology is more fairy tale than historically based. If there ever was a Thor or Odin, they would certainly dispatch some thunder and / or drop a big hammer on the makers of this film based on pure sacrilege and heresy alone. The Aussie, Chris Hemsworth is sufficiently buff to play Thor and looks the part and his acting wasn't terrible, especially in a comic book movie. He just wasn't given anything to work with. Natalie Portman ("The Black Swan") plays a scientist trying to explain a mysterious portal that exists to another realm, only to cross paths with the God of thunder. She's absolutely terrible. She reminded me of that stretch when Elizabeth Shue ("The Saint") played a scientist in like 3 movies in a row. Portman had no chemistry with Hemsworth and totally phoned this one in. The story is really where this one suffers, mostly because they don't have one. Which is even more problematic since its based on centuries of mythological tales and decades of comic books. For example, I was not aware that Loki, Thor's brother was in control of a giant robot with laser beam eyes. I actually took a class in Norse mythology in college and completely missed that somehow. Director Kenneth Branagh, British Shakespearean and master thespian would have never taken such liberties with the Bard. Bottom line, its just a dumb movie...even for a comic flick.

 

Fast Furious 5 (C)

The original boyz are back. After former FBI agent, Brian O'Conner breaks Toretto out of jail, they flee to Rio de Janeiro ala Butch and Sundance. Its not exactly clear if this is a prequel or an alternate universe or what, seeing as how Han from Fast and Furious "Tokyo Drift" is in it, even though he was killed in a fiery explosion in that film??? It also co-stars Tyrese Gibson and Jordana Brewster to round out the crew. The ONLY thing that makes this film even remotely watchable is someone on facebook wrote in on a fan site and suggested putting Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson in this movie. If it wasn't for the clash of the titans between Vin and the Rock, this film is a total throw away. The studio and director were going to originally cast Tommy Lee Jones in the role of the law man in pursuit of the fast and furious fugitives. Where this franchise has continued to go down hill is that with the exception of the aforementioned Tokyo Drift, they have become less and less about the cars and more about convoluted drug dealing, outlaw storylines. This one has ridiculous cars, cheesy stunts, and stereotype characters with a generic story. I hope Diesel and the Rock re-team down the road in something with a little more creativity.

 

 

The Lincoln Lawyer (B)

This film surprised me. When I think of Mathew McConaughey ("Dazed and Confused"), ...attorney is not the first thing that comes to mind. This is the story of a smarmy, somewhat slimy, definitely ethically challenged lawyer who finds himself in the middle of a case that will test his character, wits and fundamental beliefs before its over. I'm a big fan of courtroom dramas and this one has enough twists and turns and double and triplecrossing to keep it interesting. The title is horrible however and refers to McConaughey's character conducting all his affairs out of the back of his Lincoln continental instead of an office. I fully expected a shirtless lawyer with a beard and stovepipe hat going in, so you can imagine my relief when I discovered a better than average lawyer flick instead.

 

Kill the Irishman (B)

Apparently, they have made a movie about every single mobster that ever lived in New York, Chicago or New Jersey and now they're on to Cleveland. This is based on the true life events of one Danny Greene, an up and coming mobster and union boss who stood up to Italian mob families in New York and gained a reputation as being hard to kill. Its an interesting character piece with a good story, decent acting, lots of exploding cars and a very careful attention to period detail. Although the production values reflect what was surely an anemic budget, this is one of the best films I have ever seen that attempted to recreate the 1970's, right down to the correct cars, clothes and hair styles. Its a good movie, made even better by the fact that most of it is true.

 

Scream 4 (D)

This should have been called Scream ...for your money back or Scream 4, the payday. The original cast reunite for what is hopefully one last paycheck out of a rung out to dry, beat into the ground franchise. Not a single new thing here and an ending you can see from a mile away. They should just enact a law to prohibit making films with the #4 in the title. This film does nothing to challenge that assertion. If you liked or were able to sit thru Scream(s) 2 and 3, this one's about the same.

 

Super (C)

A valiant effort at dark comedy but a bit tapped out story concept. A regular guy, fed up with the unfair world decides to throw on a cape and fight crime although possessing no skills or super powers to aid him in his quest. Rainn Wilson ("The Office") stars as the Crimson Bolt, a quasi super hero /short order cook who pummels his foes with his trusty pipe wrench. Aided by his sidekick Boltie, played by Ellen Page, they sorta fight crime where ever they find it. "Orgasmo, Mystery Men, the Watchmen, Defendor and Kick Ass." I think we have been here and done this and its about time to put this every man, crime fighting, super hero, sub-genre to bed. Nothing "Super" to make this film stand out from the crowd I'm afraid.

 

Drive Angry (D-)

Nicolas Cage stars as a mysterious stranger 'dead' set on avenging his daughter's death and getting back his granddaughter from some kidnappers headed up by a religious cult leader. Take equal parts Cage's Johnny Blaze character from "Ghost Rider" and the style elements from "Death Proof" and you've got this movie. Its all over the place, a little out there and too quirky for its own good. So basically its just like Cage. Amber Heard looks great in it however which is why it didn't get an F. Well that and a cool, big block Mopar muscle car as a co-star.

 

LIMITLESS (A+)

Bradley Cooper ("The A-Team") stars as a down and out, writer with writer's block who just doesn't have much going right in his life. He runs across his ex-brother-in-law who hooks him up with some state of the art pharmaceuticals that supposedly allow you to use that other 80% of your brain, that in most people goes untapped. He figures he has nothing to lose and after taking one tablet, can finally access all the untapped and unrealized potential that had been holding him back. He becomes an instant millionaire and genius and things are looking up as would be expected but with success comes notoriety and jealousy and questions. This film is so well written that every time I had an "oh yeah, well what about..?" in less than 2 min. the story addressed it and in a very smart way. It's like the screenwriter was on the imaginary drug in the film, just brilliant. For those who know how hard this list is to get on, this film has made my all time top 10 list!!! It has my highest recommendation.

 

Rango (B+)

Johnny Depp is the voice of Rango, a fish, er, in this case...lizard out of water, who finds himself a stranger in a classic old west style town populated with desert dwellers like rattlesnakes and gila monsters. This is the cartoon version of "High Plains Drifter" starring Clint Eastwood, who makes a bit of a cameo in this film actually. It's well done, with good animation and a decent storyline but lacks a heartfelt connection like an "UP" or "Kung Fu Panda." It's cute, fun, and an adult can watch it and be entertained. Isn't that really all anyone expects from a film like this?

 

Paul (D)

I am a monster huge fan of Simon Pegg and writing partner, Nick Frost ("Hot Fuzz" and "Shaun of the Dead.") Their offbeat, British humor especially when tackling American popular culture and film is unparalleled and usually hilarious. Pegg has struggled on his own in American films, so I was really looking forward to the partners re-uniting in their latest film, "Paul." It's about two brit-nerds who while at a comi-con convention, swing thru area 51 and happen to discover an actual alien! Unfortunately for viewers, it's voiced by the worse thing to happen to film in a decade - Seth Rogen. The story is uninspired and pedestrian and lacks all the dark humor and irreverence of the duo's previous offerings. I am going to refer to this as a Seth Rogen film from this day forward seeing as how bad and unfunny it is and give the boys a pass. So disappointing :(

 

hall pass (C)

The Farelly brothers penned and directed this sophomoric comedy about midlife crisis couples and fidelity. Wives fed up with the wandering eyes of their husbands decide to give them a "hall pass" or week off from marriage. They can do whatever they want with whoever they want, no questions or strings or penalties attached. A novel concept with plenty of fertile ground for comedy but surprisingly, the Farelly's played it safe and stuck to the middle of the road, TV sit-com humor. It's hard to believe that this pabulum came from the same guys who did "There's Something About Mary" and "Kingpin."

 

Just Go with It (D)

Stop, stop, stop already! Before all my fond memories of "Happy Gilmore," "The Waterboy" and "The Wedding Singer" are replaced by "Funny People," "Bedtime Stories" and this crap. If you even care, Sandler plays a plastic surgeon, who after being jilted at the alter, becomes a lothario who discovers that women are attracted to him when he wears a wedding ring even though he's single. That works out great for his libido until he runs across his true love who actually dumps him because she thinks he IS married. So, he convinces his medical assistant, Jennifer Anniston, to pose as his estranged wife, bring her kids and go on vacation together with his new girlfriend to show what a horrible witch she is and how over their relationship is, so he can pursue his new love interest without blowing his cover. Geeeee, I wonder who he winds up with in the end? This is the kind of amateurish writing that gets turned in at a local community college's screenwriting 101 class. And gets a D, which is not so coincidentally, what I'm giving it.

 

Country Strong (F)

Gwyneth Paltrow is a declining country superstar, manipulated by her husband/manager and in love with an up and coming artist who is involved in a love triangle with a girl who might just be Paltrow's replacement. It's written and unfortunately acted, like a TV soap opera and contrary to popular belief, ("Walk the Line" /" Crazy Heart"), NOT all actors can sing country music, especially the ones they got for this film. Lame, weak, dreary and did I mention lame? Country Strong - Movie Weak.

 

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (A)

This one will be hard to find but it's got my vote for sleeper hit of the year. This is one of those films like "Footfist Way" or "Operation End Game" that will fly under the radar at the cineplex but become a cult classic once it hits DVD. Tucker and Dale are two unsuspecting good ol' boys who just saved up enough money to buy their dream fishing cabin up in the woods. They run across a group of co-eds on spring break ala "Friday the 13th" and just about every other horror movie that takes place in the woods, and the hilarity ensues. Warning: This film is dark, gory, twisted and pee your pants funny!! Very smart concept and some really good acting. I just enjoyed the hell out of it.

 

The Mechanic (C+)

The Mechanic stars two of the most intense actors working in film today, namely Jason Statham ("The Transporter") and Ben Foster ("Alpha Dog"). This is the story of a career assassin who is looking for a way out. After his mentor is killed, the deceased's wayward son gets taken under Statham's character's wing to teach him the trade. As Foster's character grows in confidence and ability, he constantly attempts to usurp his teacher's dominance and instead of following directions, always tries to put his own spin on whatever he's told to do. Randy Jackson would love this guy as he's all about "making it his own, dawg, yo." Unfortunately for this film, all that seething intensity kind of goes to waste and neither character gets to just let it go. Even though it was a remake of a 1972 film starring Charles Bronson and Jan Michael Vincent, the newer version didn't seem to have much of a script. Everyone who had seen both was just waiting around for the classic ending that made the original so popular. This one didn't make good use of the actors, made a formulaic and boring script which is sacrilege in an action film, and just copycatted the big finale'. Could have, should have been so much better.

 

The Dilemma (D)

Wow! What happened to Vince Vaughn? He used to be one of my favorite comedic actors and now he just isn't funny at all anymore. He keeps pairing himself with other comic standouts and dragging down the whole film time and time again. In this bucket of sludge, he plays business partner to Kevin James and spots James' wife making out with another dude. What to do? Tell your best friend, keep it to yourself, confront the wife? Who gives a shit, this movie sucked and wasn't funny so the "dilemma" is moot. The only real question is why do the studios keep allowing him to make films.

 

The Fighter (C)

Mark Wahlberg has been trying to make this film for over a decade. "The Fighter" is the true life story of two boxing brothers from Wahlberg's home town of Boston,  'Irish' Micky Ward and his brother Dicky. The older brother's claim to fame was knocking down Sugar Ray Leonard before ultimately losing the fight back in '78. After his brush with greatness, he descended into a life of crime and drug abuse. Wahlberg's character, the younger Micky tries to fill his brother's shoes but is always coming in 2nd and in boxing, that's not good considering there are only 2 people in the ring. As much about the family dynamic of Dicky being the favorite with their mother/manager who in her eyes, he can do no wrong, is the choices that Micky must make to either remain in his brother's shadow or leave his family behind to achieve greatness on his own. Helping him to make that transition is his rough and tumble girlfriend played brilliantly by the usually demure, Amy Adams ("Enchanted"). While the real life story may be engrossing and compelling, seeing it dramatized took it a notch down and I think they were hamstrung by trying to stay too authentic to the real life characters. Christian Bale plays the older brother Dicky and dominates the film while Wahlberg just sort of sits on the couch or leans in the corner while other actors shoot for Oscars. He is entirely forgettable in this role and since he is the lead role, you see the problem. Life imitates art as what should have been more "Rocky" winds up like watching the Boston episode of "Cops." Just so so with a couple of great individual performances but not a good movie when put all together.

 

The Green Hornet (F+)

In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I have been railing against this film from the 1st day I heard who they got to star in it. I swore it had to be a bad joke or an April fool's day prank. I am pretty far from being a comic book nerd but as a kid, the Green Hornet was hands down, bar none, the very coolest thing on TV. Add to the dark, almost film noir qualities of the storyline the amazing, never before seen action of the one and only Bruce Lee as the sidekick Kato and that's not all. The car...oh my god, you'll notice that they couldn't even improve on it in this crap remake it was so cool. Fan sites had pegged Jason Statham with Jet Li or the like to star early on.

 

When that triple chinned, drooling idiot, stuffed with canadian bacon and bong water, Seth Rogen was cast as the suave, millionaire playboy... I about shit. This film is an abomination of the worst order. They took an iconic figure and reduced it to a paulie shore style yuckfest complete with jackass site gags and bumbling, stumbling idiocy that seems to come quite naturally to Rogen.

 

I would have loved to completely crucify this film and gladly would have slapped a 'Z' rating on it were it not for the fact that everyone else in the film actually had some talent and were trying very, very hard to not make you pay too much attention to the booger eating retard in the lead. They must have paid a fortune to get Cameron Diaz to show up for this one. The bad guy is interestingly played by the famous Jew Hunter, Christopher Waltz. To his credit, Jay Chou did an ok job stepping into some un-fillable shoes as Kato. They screwed him up though by making the film in 3-D, also as a gimmick to draw your attention away from Rogen. All Chou's fight scenes are either chop cut to the point you can't make out what's going on or super slow mo, pan around 3D bullshit that you use when your actor can't really do martial arts (* see Keanu Reeves.)

 

Ok, so after every decent director in town dropped out, they settled on a french MTV rap video director to bring this bastardized version to life. They took the campy "Batman" TV show and returned it to its graphic novel roots and dark overtones. Conversely, they took the "Green Hornet" that started out cool and suave like a cross between 007, Peter Gunn and pretty much every other cool element of the 60's and made it into a comedic farce. They didn't even use the famous theme until the end credits. I genuinely wish they would quit ass raping my fondest childhood memories and actually make an original film for a change. Don't go see this movie, it will only encourage them to make more like it. God help Seth Rogen if I ever cross his path. I would be compelled to put a 3D ass-whoopin on him that even Kato wouldn't be able to stop. Check out the TV show original:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIwsqFjfKPs&feature=related

 

The King's Speech (A)

Although it will probably have limited appeal to mass movie going audiences, this is the best movie of the year so far and certainly the finest acted. "The King's Speech" is based on the real life Duke of York that became King of England at the onset of WWII, after his brother, the rightful next in succession abdicated the throne to marry an American divorcee. The drama comes from the fact that this reluctant crown barer had a crippling speech impediment with a stammer so bad, it was painful to watch him struggle to get out every word. Can you even imagine, being the figurehead of a nation, in a time of war, where 85% of your duties involve giving speeches and radio addresses to your entire nation and the world? Now imagine that you can't speak publicly without stuttering.  Just great actors all around in this one. Colin Firth as the king, Geoffrey Rush as his speech therapist who teaches the king more than elocution. The guy who played the rat in Harry Potter as Churchill and my pic for a Best Actress Oscar, Helena Bonham Carter, another Potter alumnus. Normally I dislike her wild eyed, crazy hair, over the top characterizations and god forbid you put her in the same film with Johnny Depp. Here she plays the wife of the future king and does so with a reserve and genuine quality, while still invoking tremendous empathy as you watch her suffer for her beloved husband and his affliction. This amazing story/character just got overshadowed by the time and the larger than life leaders of the day. The history books, literature and film ran out of room after they addressed the likes of Churchill, Roosevelt, Stalin and Hitler. Somehow you get the feeling that was perfectly fine with King George VI. Excellent film.

 

TRUE GRIT (A-)

Another  remake, this time of the epic John Wayne film (1969) of the same name. Here, the recently prolific, Jeff Bridges stars as marshal Rooster Cogburn, the most violent, tenacious and generally unpleasant law man in the territory. The Cohen brothers did a better than average job tackling this classic and the dialogue (based on the book) is superb. The masterful and colorful language is almost a character unto itself in the film and stands out as a glaring reminder of how poorly we use language today. Where John Wayne was the star of the original, as in all his films, Bridges doesn't carry the same weight as an actor and although he's very good, the real star of the remake is unquestionably newcomer, Hailee Steinfeld who should also receive an Academy nomination. She's really quite fun to watch as the precocious daughter of a slain horse rancher bound and determined to see justice brought to her father's killer. Matt Damon goes along for the ride as an upstart Texas Ranger also on the trail of the killer played by Josh Brolin. A very nice adaptation that reminds movie goers why Westerns were once one of the most popular genres in film.

 

The Black Swan (F)

I have been a huge fan of Natalie Portman since her 1st film,"The Professional" and usually like everything she does. This time...not so much. It's really not her performance as such but the material that is so off putting. It's one of these manic, introspective and thoroughly depressing roles that actors love to play and audiences are forced to sit through. Her decent into madness as a famous ballerina tackling Swan Lake and the pressures of her own life are only momentarily eclipsed by what is surely to be the most frequented fast forward in all of DVDdom, to the part where Mila Kunis' character goes down on her. If those 90 seconds didn't exist, you would never get a guy to go to this movie and you still might not. You feel like you need a big handful of Prozac after viewing this film. I give it a big :(

 

The Tourist (C-)

This is just a poorly written film in which Depp's character is mistakenly identified as a most wanted man and the husband to a mysterious wife played by Angelina Jolie. Depp tries unsuccessfully to play the unknowing dupe thrust into circumstances beyond his comprehension but come on, it's Johnny freakin Depp, he can't play the role of asst. manager at Sears and be believable. Jolie does her best sucking in of the cheeks acting, which I can only assume is what she thinks sophisticated means. The plot twists are really superficial but the travel log scenery thru Venice is rather nice as a back drop and probably the key motivation for getting these two movie stars to participate. A very average production in every way. Please watch this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIwsqFjfKPs&feature=related

 

Tron Legacy (D)

I didn't like the original movie and this one, ehhh not so much either. As in the first one, the special effects are all ooohh and ahhhh but this storyline made the movie "Inception" seem plausible by contrast. Jeff Bridges stars as Kevin Flynn, the original programmer trapped in the grid. I think Bridges got a little confused as it seemed more like he was playing his Dude character from "The Big Lebowski" more than that of  Clu often times. Garrett Hedlund played his son in the film and was decent and has been likeable in his other roles I've seen him in (Four Brothers, Friday Night Lights, etc.) Bottom line, this is great film...for stoner computer nerds. Everyone else will be technologically bemused for about 10 min. and then lost and bored for the duration.

 

Little Fockers (D)

Done, over, finished but that isn't stopping them from continuing to make films in this franchise. These characters, storylines and jokes are wore out like a 40 yr. old, truckstop hooker. Everyone was so obviously just in it for the paycheck that I was amazed they didn't try to make it in 3-D or toss in a robot (ala Gulliver's Travels). Nothing new, nothing funny, nothing good. Can't wait for "Mother Fockers" and "Little Fockers II, the Focking" to come out. Uggggh.

 

Casino Jack (F)

Movies like this seriously piss me off. Not because of how bad they are, and this one is, but because of the lost opportunity to say something meaningful on an important topic. This film is about Jack Abramoff, the infamous D.C. lobbyist who wound up in prison. Kevin Spacey plays him like a slightly tamped down version of his Walter Matthau impersonation. Very over the top, even for Spacey and the material is just schlocky and poorly written, filled with cartoony caricatures of real people mixed with self incriminating diatribes and nonsensical ramblings. Like if Keith Olbermann, Rachael Maddow and Michael Moore went even further off the liberal deep end and then decided to write a screenplay about political corruption and have Oliver Stone ("W.") direct it. It was just a silly overdone mess that should have been much more serious and thought provoking.

 

FASTER (C+)

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson plays a newly released con who goes on a killing spree to avenge being left for dead and the murder of his brother. I gave them some style points for trying to recreate the vibe of a 70's low budget, anti hero flick with the cool car, limited dialogue and nonstop action like "the Driver, Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, Vanishing Point, etc." They tried for limited (almost zero) character development which might have worked if they didn't jam in about 3 too many characters. If they would have left it at Johnson and the bad guys with maybe one cop it would have been a much, much better film. They tossed in a 'hit man in love' side story that was completely a throwaway, poor Carla Gugino as 'cop #2' and Billy Bob Thornton as cop #1 with THE most obvious and transparent plot twist hanging around his neck like a rappers bling. The Rock has put away his tooth fairy tutu and got back on the juice where he belongs. I would have liked to have seen more of him and the bad ass 1970 Chevelle SS and less of the "Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction" 1001 character storyline.

 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part I (D)

I really like Harry Potter movies, always have. This dreary, dreadful and depressing drama however should cause a spike in teen suicides. Where the other films in the series were uplifting, imaginative, basic tales of good vs. evil this one is a wake by comparison. There is no light in this film, its all death and gloom and misery from bell to bell. Granted, "Deathly Hallows" is probably not going to be the title of the feel good movie of the year but come on, it's still a kid's movie, not Sylvia Plath meets Dr. Kevorkian. There is a lot of violence and death and anger and crying in this one. The other thing that pissed me off about this movie is the -part I. Each of the previous films were a continuation of the series but could be viewed as stand alone films, as it should be. If you hadn't seen all the other Potter movies, you'd be utterly lost watching this film, that like LOTR and the last Pirates of the Caribbean before it, have no beginning, middle or end...just 2 hours of  "come back and pay us again to see how this shit all ends." Anyone who is honest with themselves would have to admit that if this was the first Harry Potter movie, there would have never been a 2nd.

 

Due Date (C-)

Robert Downey Jr. ("Iron Man") and Zach Galifanakis ("Endgame") team up as an unlikely duo forced to combine their efforts to get Downey's character back home to California for the birth of his child, after they are booted off an airplane and subsequently placed on the no fly list. Downey as the straight man to Zach's buffoonery comes off a little pissy for most of the film and pretty much like a jerk. In contrast, Galifanakis' usual comic genius is reduced to what can only be described as silliness. Then in the style of Hollywood cheese, they try for and fail at the tenderness and mutual understanding finale. The chemistry just didn't work here and the writing was weak. You can't make a good road picture when both participants are about as annoying as a backseat driver with poor bladder control. Watch "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" and forget this movie ever existed.

 

Unstoppable (B+)

I was very surprised by this film. It's really pretty decent. Based on a true story, it's about a couple of railroad engineers who attempt to stop a runaway train filled with toxic chemicals headed for their hometown and on a collision course with disaster. In this day and age, it is not easy to make a train film exciting. We've all seen people running along the tops of trains and jumping from car to car and dangling underneath as the ground speeds by below a thousand times. I have to credit director Tony Scott ("Enemy of the State, Crimson Tide, True Romance") with delivering a genuine, edge of your seat thrill ride. Starring Denzel Washington and Chris Pine ("Star Trek"), as the grizzled veteran about to be forced into retirement and the upstart rookie, struggling to fit in. As the train(s) race toward eminent derailure, these two actors create palpable tension that crescendos thru the entire film to the ending. This movie also has a very good supporting cast and does a good job of letting you know who all the characters are and what their respective roles are within the story. I enjoyed this movie much more than I thought I would.

 

RED (A)

"Red" is the story of a cadre of retired assassins who are forced back into action after they are systematically being targeted for extermination. This is like the Magnificent 7 for the hover round crowd. This movie is just loaded with great stars - Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, and Helen Miren. It is the quintessential "better with age" kick ass and take names, ol skool action flick. Just a blast to sit back and watch. The thing that makes this movie work is that you believe these seniors might just be as legit in real life as they are in the film. Very fun.

 

STONE (F)

Like the guy who stands at the edge of the flight deck on an aircraft carrier, let me wave you off to avoid this disaster of a film. It's got DeNiro and Edward Norton you say, how bad could it be? BAD! It's the story of a con (Norton) trying to put one over on his parole officer (DeNiro) by getting his wife to sleep with the one man standing between him and freedom. Horrible story, even worse acting and crappy cinematography. It looks bad, sounds bad...is bad. This should come with a warning label.

 

MegaMind (C)

What happens when the über villain is forced to become the hero? Mega Mind finally conquers his do-gooder  nemesis only to create a void in the hero department that in order to impress his new girlfriend, he reluctantly fills. It was cute but rather redundant and about 1/2 as good or funny as a film like "The Incredibles." It didn't seem very original beyond the basic premise.

 

Wall St. - Money Never Sleeps (C)

Money Never Sleeps marks the return of the seminal 80's film about finance of the same name. Gordon Gecko (Michael Douglas) has returned, being released from jail for his previous malfeasance. It doesn't take him long to get back into the swing of things, especially in this modern day economic climate that espouses that not only is greed good, its required. Obviously they were attempting to be topical and I can't help but believe that Douglas' failing health may have contributed to the decision to move forward on the sequel. Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) makes a brief, albeit useless cameo but the new up and comer is played by Shia LeBeouf ("Transformers"). In this film, he's a green technology finance guy who is trying to get a fusion company off the ground. Lets just say where the original film may have tried to dumb down and explain the goings on of wall street at the time, this movie catalogs the recent behavior but doesn't involve it in the storyline beyond yelling at it from the sidelines. Time to get real here, Oliver Stone's last good film was easily over a decade ago and this new Wall St. movie seems more like Michael Moore directed it instead of Stone. It's preachy, pissy, not entertaining and kinda weak. In the original it was about how far you were willing to go and how eager one could be to give up their very soul for the illusive brass ring. This one is just wahh wahh wall street is bad. No shit. Douglas has lost his mojo and comes off petty and small time. LeBeouf is quickly becoming the Keanu Reeves of his generation, plinking one flat note over and over again as he's obviously reached the limits of his range as an actor. The screenplay seems written by Rachel Maddow and there's nothing to connect to, not even a morality play. I've said it countless times over the years...don't make a sequel to a classic unless its as good or better than the original. This one doesn't even come close.

 

The Town (C)

Ok, ya know Ben Affleck's character in Good Will Hunting? Well, just imagine that after his buddy leaves town, Affleck's character decides to quit construction jobs and opts to rob banks instead. It was brutally obvious that Affleck was trying desperately to get back on top of his brother Casey, who is now considered the 'ak-tor' to Ben's fading movie star persona. They did all the 'real life', verite' Boston accents and prerequisite walking by local hotspots. (see - Gone Baby Gone for a better example.) The heist element is pedestrian and subordinate to the Westie facade of it all. The ending was slightly better than average but the whole of the film is on par with any episode of  TV's Law and Order.

 

The American (D)

See, if you are going to advertise yourself as an espionage thriller, the one element you can't be without is excitement. Clooney even had a cool throwback, 70's poster but man, was this movie slowwwwww. Its about an assassin trying to get out of the game with one last assignment but really, it was an excuse for George to get paid for hanging out at his villa in Lake Cuomo, Italy. This film proved that making movies like the Bourne films aren't as easy as they look. With the notable exception of "Up in the Air," Clooney illustrates time and time again that he only shines in big budget films and suffers greatly on the cheap.

 

Machete (C-)

I am going to do my level best to suspend my personal feelings about illegal immigration and just critique this film, as a film and not as a piece of propaganda. Robert Rodriquez ("Planet Terror") attempts to cover up his poor film making with his supposedly intentional 'grindhouse' stylization. In fact, the movie has the all the polish and professionalism of a time square porn film. Because everyone in Hollywood is nuts, he got a bunch of named stars to appear in this movie about a pissed off Mexican antihero who is about to exact his revenge on a tea party, minute man senator and any other white people that get in his way. 

 

This film is to hispanics what Spike Lee is to not doing the right thing. Its not myopic in its prejudice but completely racist, even to mexicans. If anyone made a film about a white guy who went around killing every Mexican he saw in the most brutal fashion imaginable, knee jerk Hollywood would descend upon them with such outrage and indignation but here its supposed to play as charming and farcical. On the flipside, Rodriquez perpetuates the worst stereotypes with his own hero, having him opt to kill people with garden tools instead of automatic weapons because obviously, a mexican would be more comfortable with a weed whacker than an M-16.

 

There is no denying that Danny Trejo is one bad mexican! He's proved that in every film he's ever been in ("Con Air, From Dusk til Dawn, Desperado.) Robert DeNiro is just terrible as the redneck senator who's playing both sides of the immigration fence (pun intended.) The only person worse, is Steven Seagal who they try to make into a 6'5" italian - Mexican, who is Machete's ex partner and who still uses a Japanese katana sword...WTF?  I haven't seen worse casting since John Wayne played Ghengis Khan. Lindsay Lohan is about a crack pipe away from doing actual snuff movies I think. Jessica Alba, as always, looks better than she acts. Cheech Marin was lame as the tough guy priest, whose weapons of choice are wielding two pump shotguns at once at his foes. Think about that for a second. After you fire both one time, you have to put them both down to rechamber the next round...duhhh. You'll notice he never actually does that in the film.

 

The 2 reasons for this not getting a hardcore F and a half from me was a really decent performance by Michelle Rodriquez (SWAT) as the mysterious freedom fighter who runs a lunch wagon for 'her people.' Although she's a wet dream right out of the Communist manifesto, she's fun to watch and one of the few believable elements in the film. Ok, the big surprise here... Don Johnson as the leader of the border patrol minute men is fabulous! Its easily the best work he's done since Miami Vice. If someone had this movie on DVD at their house and there was free beer, I'd watch it. Otherwise, skip it for sure.

 

The Switch (F)

Maudlin, mopey, melancholy, malodorous. Not typical words you would associate with a romantic comedy. And yet...they made this movie anyway. Its very depressing, even the uplifting parts and certainly not comedic. Imagine if Jason Bateman had Woodie Allen's personality and Jennifer Anniston didn't have one at all. This is what passes for romance in the prozac generation I guess? Nobody is likeable or charming or sweet or interesting. If it wasn't for Jeff Goldblum ("The Fly") who plays Bateman's boss, this film would be as entertaining as a big, wet, heap of cardboard left in the rain, out back by the dumpster. I'm not even going to tell you what its about cause I don't want you to go see it. Bateman really needs to stick to TV, he's just not a film actor and Anniston, she's knocked on the door in a few good roles but that one film that is going to propel her out of the "Friends" zone still eludes her. And I don't know whether she's just getting older or they had a horrible cinematographer but her chin in this movie looked like Jay Leno's! Oh and there's a terrible awful kid actor in it too.

 

The Killer Inside Me (A-)

This movie was actually not as good as the rating I gave it. Let me explain. The film itself is decent albeit a little uneven, somewhat wobbly-legged and the acting is at times a bit flat. It has come under fire from some critics and citizen's groups (uh oh) for being gratuitously violent and misogynistic. All those points are valid BUT and here is the big but, it is the closest thing to a honest to goodness film noir as anything I've seen since "Deep Cover" (also starring Jeff Goldblum btw). The tone, the storyline, the unease, the straddling of dark and light/good and evil, they really nailed it which I was beginning to think might not be possible in a modern film. You can't make "Laura" or "Double Indemnity" today, their too quaint although they were quite edgy in their day, they just wouldn't play to modern theater going audiences and even though this film takes place in the 1950's, its completely current in its tone and timbre. It stars Casey Affleck ("Gone Baby Gone") as a creepy yet normal looking on the outside, West Texas deputy sheriff. Jessica Alba plays a prostitute who is running a scam on the richest man in town and Kate Hudson plays Affleck's mousy, 50's housewife-to-be who gets lured into crossing over to the dark side. You will not recognize her as a brunette even after you do. There is a lot of nudity but with unfortunately placed knees and elbows ala cinemax hard R and as previously mentioned, some very intense violence but probably not as bad as the uptights are making it out to be. The only thing that could have made this film more noir, was if they shot it in black and white. High praise from me, especially if you know what a noir purist I am.

 

The Expendables (A)

Jean Claude Van Damme must be kicking himself. He got offered a part in this who's who of action stars and passed on it because he didn't think Stallone had a well developed script. Since when has that stopped JCVD from taking a part? Anyway, this film could have been a real bomb based on all that testosterone and all those egos jockeying for screen time and top billing. Stallone set the pecking order early on and from interviews I have seen, no one had any misconceptions at all about who was the top dog and who was running the show. That probably saved this film. The storyline - special ops commandos go on a suicide mission to save the helpless residents of a small village being oppressed by an evil military dictator and his CIA backer, this is the plot to about 2 dozen movies I can think of, so no big points for originality here. Let's face it, if you're thinking about seeing this film, you're not going there to see Shakespeare. You want bone crunching, 1000 rounds a minute, deafening explosions and classic one liners. Done. This film delivers across the board and maintains its cool factor without getting cheesy. All these guys are getting old but you get the feeling that most of the cast is or could be just like their character in the movie. Here is who's in it: Stallone, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Randy Couture, Terry Crews and Eric Roberts. Holy Shit!! Exactly. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrEnjx2GiXE

 

The Other Guys (D)

Ok, I've given up on Will Farrell, he peaked at "Talladega Nights" and has been plinking the same note for a very long time now. What the hell was Mark Wahlberg thinking though? Major career stumble here. "The Other Guys" is a story about two outcast cops who attempt to step up and fill the shoes of the two super cops who get killed (played by The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson). This was silly where it should have been funny and dumb where it should have been clever. Really predictable, sophomoric and low brow. It had just a handful of yuks and those were more story based instead of what got acted out on the screen, like the premise that Wahlberg's character is the most hated cop in NY because he accidentally shot Derek Jeter during the World Series. That was funny...until they went back and acted it out and ruined it. If you get to the cineplex and it's between this and another film, go see The Other Film.

 

 

 

Inception (D-)

Ok, I enjoy a good mind fu*k just as much as the next guy but this is the movie version of those little Russian wooden dolls where one fits inside the next, inside the next and so on. The screenwriter was on something extremely hallucinogenic and certainly not over the counter, when they penned this labyrinthine conundrum. DiCaprio is in yet another psychological thriller about people who enter your dreams and implant self fulfilling realities in your subconscious. Or do they? Perhaps you're dreaming right now and I've implanted this thought and when you awake, you'll feel compelled to bookmark my webpage? Or are you in a dream about a dream taking place in a dream? WTF?? It was a commendable attempt at something very ambitious but it would be a 2000 page novel and it certainly didn't translate to the screen well. The special effects are quite impressive but hardly innovative and the acting was Matrix-ish, which was not really surprising given the subject material. It was high concept that failed on almost every level. I gave them points for the visuals and for not pandering to a lowest common denominator when assessing the viewing public's intelligence level. Although in this case, perhaps they overestimated.

 

Operation Endgame (A-)

This is a tiny film, almost indie and will be difficult to find in a theater but worth the quest. It is a dark comedy, so black as to be devoid of light which makes it all the more impressive given the pedigree of the cast. Listen to this roster - Zach Galifianakis ("The Hangover"), Bob Odenkirk ("Breaking Bad"), Ving Rhames, Adam Scott ("Knocked Up"), Maggie Q ("Mission Impossible 3"), Ellen Barkin, and Rob Corddry ("Hot Tub Time Machine") among others. It's about a day in the life of covert government operatives that gives you the feeling that in real life, the CIA and top secret spies are actually more like the people who work at Wal-Mart, than like Jason Bourne. It is dry, sardonic, beautifully twisted and gory as hell. Just brutal in its wit and cavalier bloodshed. Definitely not for the unsophisticated or mainstream palate but if you like your comedies with a certain macabre or slightly askew, this will be one of your new favorite films. Destine to be an underground cult classic once it hits DVD. You always can tell a great film in this genre by the fact that you're never really sure if you should be laughing at any given moment. Sleeper of the year award, hands down. Check out the trailer:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xdw3vw_operation-endgame-trailer-red-band_shortfilms

 

Dinner for Schmucks (F)

This is a waste of film. I walked out before the end. They had some top flight comedy actors and had the balls to put this ...well, its about as funny as a severely retarded person writing swear words on a plate glass window of a fine dinning restaurant WITH HIS OWN EXCREMENT. Just fucking STUPID as hell, to the point of being annoying, not funny and after 20 min, irritating. Paul Rudd ("Role Models") has THE best, deadpan delivery in comedy today and instead of making good use of that, they just have him begrudgingly stand next to Carell as he goes off the deep end in a pathetic continuation of his weatherman character from "Anchorman." This movie is like if you went to see Metallica in concert and they came out and said, "we're going to perform unplugged, acapella and using only banjo's tonight." A complete and utter waste of the talent they had.

 

SALT (B)

This film was originally supposed to star Tom Cruise but he passed in favor of "Knight and Day" because he wanted to do a project that include more comedy, which didn't work by the way. Angelina Jolie is not a bad 2nd choice and the rewrite came out seamlessly. She's really good at these and although its almost become typecasting for her, she's engaging, believable and entertaining to watch in these kinds of roles. The story is about a high level CIA interrogator who is debriefing a Russian spy (how topical is that?) and he gives them the name of a deep cover mole who has been hiding in the U.S. for decades. The name he gives them just happens to be her name! There are some decent twists and turns but the ending is as predictable as the sunrise and a let down after some fine action leading up to it. The disappointing finale doesn't take away from the enjoyable and fast passed film that leads up to the anticlimactic end.

 

Sorcerer's Apprentice (B)

This movie had all the potential in the world to just suck really badly...but it doesn't. Nick Cage is a Sorcerer from the times of Merlin who enlists the aid of an apprentice in the form of Jay Baruchel ("She's Out of My League." He's been working quite a lot and has gone from abject obscurity ("Knocked Up") to the voice of Hiccup in "How to Train Your Dragon" in less than 3 years. Mercurial and meteoric would be an understatement. He's perfectly cast in this role of a misfit science dork (the modern day equivalent of magic) and Cage is quirky without chewing the scenery too bad. It works. My only disappointment was in the famous mop and bucket scene recreated from the Disney classic of the same name. It was rather underwhelming in lieu of its progenitor's iconic status. All in all thought, a light enjoyable film and good for all ages. Which is not as easy as it sounds. Check out Mickey's version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XChxLGnIwCU&feature=related

 

Despicable Me (C)

Ehhhh, no. The guys who did "Ice Age" and some Apatow regulars put this animated film together about an evil genius mastermind who winds up adopting a trio of young orphans and supposedly hilarity ensues. Not so much. It's plenty silly and there is the prerequisite number of fart, poop or that flappy noise you can make with your tongue, a razzberry I believe its called, to make really small children laugh and giggle. But its really not funny for anyone over like 8 maybe? I thoroughly enjoyed films like "The Incredibles, Kung Fu Panda and Cars" so its not like I can't find humor in a children's film. This one just doesn't really have it working beyond some very rudimentary chuckles. The animation is good, the story is just sorta there, the characterizations seem rather 2 dimensional (pun intended) and Carell who voices the lead doesn't work as well when only hear him and can't see him. The minions are very lame and seem like something the happy meal toy people thought up. In the end its an animated version of if Dr. Evil from "Austin Powers" adopted the kids from Nanny McPhee or something similarly cutesy.

 

 

Predators (C-)

Exposition is where a character in a film will make a speech that fills in some important facts that the writer or director have opted not to actually film but still needed to be in movie so you, the viewer would know what was going on. Predators is a continuation of the original where a group of expert killers from all walks of life are mysteriously transported to this other world, game preserve and quickly ascertain that they are the ones being hunted. All throughout the movie, different characters will break into these long, protracted explanations of what's happening in the movie. I prefer to just watch the movie to figure that out but they've taken a different tack here. Part of the problem is that they attempted to create some connectivity to the original story line and because at this point, the Predators and the rules of engagement are so iconic, any deviation from the original storyline must come with a lengthy explanation. Sadly also, they opted for a more cerebral approach for the protagonist, as they have substituted Adrian Brody ("The Pianist") for Governor Schwarzenegger. I love the fact that the word "Schwarzenegger" is actually covered by spell check btw :) Anyway, Brody did some sit ups but come on...he's no Arnold and seems like he'd be much more at home ordering in a N.Y. deli than brandishing automatic weapons in a jungle somewhere. Literature alert! This and countless other films are retellings of a famous short story from 1924, called "The Most Dangerous Game" where a celebrated big game hunter finds himself on an island hunted by other humans, i.e. the predator becomes the prey. This film is an ok version, at least they're not fighting jason or the creature from Aliens. You still can't beat the original.

 

 

The Last Airbender (D)

M. Night Shama-lama-dingdong ("The Village") wrote and directed this unusual tale of a time and place where people are divided by their ability to master the elements of earth, air, fire and water. Fire are the bad guys and are attempting to subjugate the remaining tribes. Only a mythical shaman known in the legend as the last airbender can reunite all the tribes and bring peace to the world. It's a very creative story, perhaps too creative as its really out there, even for M. Night. The obvious parallels exist between the young boy who is the reluctant shaman, not sure if he is ready or willing to take up the role and the real life stories of the young Dalai Lama. The rest is some psychotropic hodge podge of lord of the rings, the lion the witch and the wardrobe, mortal combat and narnia. Like I said, its out there. Much like the recent "Alice in Wonderland" its quirky weirdness distracts the viewer rather than engages them. Visually impressive but too esoteric for its own good.

 

 

Knight and Day (B-)

I like Tom Cruise. I like Cameron Diaz. There comes a point however when stars who pride themselves on doing their own stunts, wind up making a picture like this, that is nothing more than a vehicle to illustrate that its really Tom Cruise on the motorcycle, crashing thru the plate glass, shooting while sliding across the floor, etc. etc. ad nauseam. Cameron is a sporty girl, so she's up for whatever which is part of her charm. She hangs with Cruise thru the litany of falls and jumps and crashes. The big problem here was they could never figure out what kind of movie they were trying to make. Is it an action film, a comedy, a dark comedy, a buddy cop romance espionage thriller comedy, a Shakespearean drama about class struggle and incest...ok, I just made that last one up but you get the point. There were too many wink wink haha just kidding moments for you to take all the action seriously and at the end of the day, the action was all they had, so it doesn't work. I think it would have been a much better film had they played it straight. Regrettably, it comes off like a slightly better version of "Killers."

 

 

Toy Story 3 (C)

Like the toy industry itself, this film just cranks out another installment in the franchise that they all know at this point doesn't really matter if its good or bad or even in focus, all the parents are gonna buy the DVD and use it to raise their kids by plunking them down to watch it over and over, while they run off and shirk their parental duties. The movie itself brings nothing new to the trilogy except the kid is now grown up and ready to head off to college. What will happen to his toys? The attic, the curb or worse? Here is the one interesting thing about this film. They did the math and figured out that the first movie came out in 1995, so add 15 years to a small child watching it for the first time and you get someone college aged, juuuuuuuuuuust like Andy, the boy in the movie. You could say the film grew up with its audience or it might just be a marketing ploy to ring every last penny out of a dwindling audience entering adulthood.

 

 

Grown Ups (D)

What happens to cutting edge, irreverent, dark, twisted and hilarious comics when they get married and have kids in real life? They make shit movies like this. This was a dirty dozen of great comics with Sandler, Rock, Spade, Rob Schneider and Kevin James! That's like a decade's worth of funny right there in one place. Unfortunately this movie is safe, lame, Disney bullshit and a complete waste of film. You're sitting there all ready to yuck it up and it never comes, ever. Not that it matters, but its about a group of kids who win a basketball tournament and all get back together as grown ups after the death of their beloved coach. Just sappy and I know I said it before  but  SAFE. Spade has a couple of zingers and Salma Hayek looks ridiculously hot or I probably would have rated it even lower. Sandler co-wrote this room temperature, plain oatmeal in an off white bowl of a movie too. "Funny People, Bedtime Stories, Click" what happened to Happy Madison?? Toy Story 3 is edgier than this movie and Predator has more laughs.

 

 

Jonah Hex (D)

First let me say that this movie stars two of the finest actors working in film today, namely Josh Brolin ("American Gangster") and the amazing John Malkovich. So based on that pedigree, I held this comic book movie to a slightly higher standard than if it starred the actor who it was originally offered to, Mathew McConaughey. Its about a civil war soldier who runs afoul of another officer and is tortured and left for dead. But he doesn't die, he's just horribly disfigured and has some supernatural powers to converse with the dead to boot. It didn't have a great story and there is a ridiculous weapons of mass destruction subtext that is beyond speaking of but what I was most disappointed with was the overall quality of the film itself. It seemed like low budget, spaghettiesque type western. I don't know if they spent all the money on the two stars or wasted a lot of film shooting B roll footage of Megan Fox, who plays a whore :) or what? But with those two guys accounting for 99% of the screen time, it should have been at least good, if not great and sadly, it wasn't even close.

 

 

The Runaways  (D)

This is the bio pic about the band the Runaways that was one of the first all girl rock bands and where Joan Jett got her start. Everyone in this played it so flat, that I can't imagine those girls, in that time (the late 80's-early 70's) were that boring. This stars Kristen Stewart from the lame ass "Twilight" series, who I'm convinced is made of wood as Jett, and the adorable Dakota Fanning, unfortunately also in the twilight series...as Cherie Curie, who some might remember as the troubled blond babe in the movie "Foxes" with Jody Foster. Anyway, beyond a quick trip down memory lane thanks to the music, the story is rather bland and watered down and acted with a degree of self consciousness that the actual band members certainly didn't suffer from.

 

 

The Karate Kid (B)

It was only a matter of time before Hollywood got around to remaking this film franchise from the 80's. This time, the ageless Daniel LaRusso part played by  Ralph Macchio, is taken on by Will Smith's little boy, Jaden Smith and Mr. Miyagi, has been replaced with Jackie Chan. Much of the first 3/4 of the film is a direct retelling of the first movie albeit set in China now as Smith's character has been transplanted there because of a job transfer his mother took. They even used some word for word dialogue from the original. For whatever reason, that same time frame really drags and this film is slow and boring until the kung fu training kicks into high gear. Chan shows his acting chops but the dramatic twist they give his character is transparent and ill conceived. Jaden, who was a little jerk in "The Day the Earth Stood Still" (another remake), is likeable enough in this movie and the level of kung fu all around is head and shoulders above any installment in the previous franchise. As a matter of fact, the end tournament is really excellent but not enough attention is paid to building the tension between the bad bully fighters, their evil instructor and the forces of good represented by Smith and Chan. It would have been considerably better had they speed up the pacing in the first 1/2 or more of the film but the ending is good enough to somewhat make up for it dragging to get there. At the end of the day, I still like the original better.

 

The A Team (B)

Anybody who is alive today remembers the iconic TV show "The A Team" and the phrase, "I pity the fool!" is forever inscribed into the lexicon of American culture. This movie is decent and with some very good actors like Liam Neeson and Bradley Cooper, playing Hannibal Smith and Face respectively.  I thought Quniton "Rampage" Jackson as B.A. Baracus however was a disappointment and didn't even approach filling Mr. T's combat boots. I never really liked the Murdock character and still don't in this film. There is some decent action and some ridiculous plot devises so in that regard, it's true to its progenitor. Complete strangers meet on a road, "take me on a dangerous mission to save a guy. No. Nice tattoo. Are you an Army Ranger? Yeah. Me too! Ok, I'll take you then." Wow, that's some great writing. The surprising stand out role comes from Patrick Wilson ("Watchmen") as the supremely dickish CIA agent and the A Team's nemesis. He's really funny and has some classic lines. All in all a decent adaptation of a classic tv show but not as good as "The Losers."

 

Get Him to the Greek (C)

Russell Brand is a genuinely unique and funny individual. If you've ever seen him on a talk show or hosting an awards ceremony, you know that off-the-cuff, impromptu he is often times funnier than when he's handed scripted material to deliver. He extends his role of consummate rock star from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" but the odd thing is Jonah Hill's character, who was also in that film, plays a completely different role in this movie. Sean puffy pdiddy Combs plays the record exec who sends Hill to bring back Brand's character for a big anniversary concert at the Greek theater. Along the way Brand's rock and roll lifestyle gets the best of the doughty underling played by Hill. It's basically the story of if you took an average joe and made him try to hang with Keith Richards for a weekend. It has a couple of yucks along the way but I always get the feeling with films like this that throwing out the script and letting Brand wing it would have been funnier than what I'm watching.

 

 

Killers (F)

What a total piece of crap. Asssshton Kucher won't be happy until he's blown all of Demi Moore's "Ghost" money on crappy films starring him. This time he ads to the douchery by including the perennial malcontent, Katherine Heigl. It's "True Lies" and "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" done really, really badly. The funny parts -  aren't, the action parts are lame, the chemistry is wooden and the acting deplorable. Why do I always have this feeling that I'm being 'punked' everytime I see Kucher in a movie?

 

MacGruber (D-)

Like most SNL skits that become movies, this had about 3 minutes of good material and the rest is filler and wearing out the same joke for over an hour. This film based on the skit that is based on the popular TV show MacGivver, deals with an operative whose skill set includes being able to fashion weapons and explosives from commonly found household items. The joke in MacGruber is that instead of saving the day in the last second, he becomes distracted and actually blows up instead. They were shooting for outrageous and but much like the character managed instead to create a bomb (of a movie) out of average everyday jokes.

 

Prince of Persia (C+)

"Prince of Persia" stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the Prince, who was a small boy living in the streets when the king snatched him from the gutter and adopted him as his own son based on a display of bravery from the child. As an adult, he is at odds with his two step brothers as they are all in line for the thrown. During a military invasion, get this... based on a search for weapons (of mass destruction) in what was to become Iran, that they never actually find... not too subtle eh? Annnyway, during this campaign, the young prince discovers a magical dagger that can alter time. This dagger comes with its very own beautiful princess as would be expected. They don't get along (at first) but he needs her, and I'm still not sure why exactly, except to drive the story along. Ok, so its based on a video game and all the action sequences scream that fact. Toward the end, I swear I was waiting for a giant gorilla to start rolling barrels down at the prince as he jumped over them. That all gets silly after the 2nd or 3rd "incredible" chase sequence. Here is the problem and the best part of this film...the actors. The problem is the story is shit, doesn't make any sense and is stupid. For instance, he's holding a dagger that he knows will take you back in time if you push the button on the handle. He watches his father the king and two brothers all get murdered and doesn't push the button, but he'll gladly push it just to show you how it works? The actors however are really good, including Gyllenhaal who slaps on the worst British accent since Madonna for no apparent reason but still is very likeable as the swashbuckling prince, Academy Award winning actor SIR Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina, who you may recall from "Spiderman 2." All very good and all also the problem. You see with crappy actors this film would have been truly horrible but with that cast, AND a decent script, it could have been really good. This film reminded me quite a lot, beyond the sand, of "The Mummy" as it too could have been so much better and wasn't. Leave  your brain at home and this is watchable. Think even a little bit about what you're seeing and you'll need some extra strength Tylenol.

 

Shrek Forever After: The Final Chapter (C)

Quick review - not as good as the first, not as bad as the last. Certainly nothing original in this version, same basic characterization and humor just a cookie cutter continuation of the franchise. In case you miss it, you can always tell when they've reached the bottom of the barrel with regard to new ideas, they will almost always try to repackage a film or literary classic and try to slip it by you to see if you're that stupid or they're that good. This time, its "It's a wonderful life," the holiday classic starring Jimmy Stewart. Shrek doesn't like where life has taken him and wishes everything would go back to the way it was before all this Fiona stuff complicated his existence. Rumpelstiltskin tricks him into swapping a day without everything he's grown to dislike for any other day. The day Rumpelstiltskin chooses to trade for however is the day Shrek is born, which will make it so that he never existed at all. "Are ya real Burt? Merry Christmas you old savings and loan!"

 

Robin Hood (D)

I wasn't really sure what to expect from this film. It didn't seem like the Costner version had needed any updating but Crowe is almost always fun to watch tear stuff up, so I thought- go for it. Granted, there were obvious comparisons to be drawn between this film and "Gladiator" which was also directed by Ridley Scott. The one thing I never expected in a million years was that it would be flat out boring. Boring beyond belief, boring. BBC Victorian drama boring. And super dooper slow. There is a very generic medieval battle at the beginning and then nothing happens for... EVER! Robin isn't really robin hood or even Robin of Loxley, wtf? that's their big twist?? What's even worse, is they thought this piece of shit was gonna be such a huge hit, that they did the LTR, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean ending that leaves you sort of hanging on for the sequel. Here is another film jammed full of really good actors and completely wasted. I like Cate Blanchett usually but she sucks as Maid Marion and comes off rather dyke-ie. No wonder Crowe is so sensitive in all these press junket interviews? He must have actually seen the movie and knows how crappy it is. Errol Flynn must be rollin in his grave. This one gets a D, for dull. Check out a GOOD version here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evof-iVDOwQ

I don't often say this, but these guys' review is dead on and super funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E72qToAKDnU

 

IRON MAN 2 (A-)

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is back as IRON MAN. This time the very thing that saved his life, is going to kill him. I absolutely loved the first one and thought that Downey was brilliant. This one isn't quite as good but for good reason. To their credit, they made the first one about a story with great characters, not just a ton of CGI and special effects. This one has almost TOO many kewl characters and it dilutes Downey's performance somewhat. They also went heavier on the CGI in this one, I guess they just can't help themselves, but certainly not as crazy as "Transformers 2" let's say. Terrance Howard wanted more money so they cut him loose and seamlessly replaced him with Don Cheadle. Jon Favreau, who directs, puts himself in this one more as a kato-esque chaffeur. Scarlett Johansson ("Girl with a Pearl Earring") is tomb raider cool as an undercover agent who kicks butt. Samuel L. Jackson with an eyepatch AND a leather trenchcoat? How badass is that? And let us not forget, crazy as a bed bug but still a great actor, Mickey Rourke as Ivan the Russian. He's definitely up to the challenge of taking on the likes of Tony Stark. A very fun movie, again, not as good as the first one but still a good time at the movies and if its possible, its biggest flaw is being too cool.

 

The Losers (B++)

This one was an easy A right up until the end, when it felt like they ran out of film. There are a bunch of movies with this same premise coming out all together at almost the same time but based on the trailers, this one looks like the best of the bunch (A team, Expendables, etc.) A band of military special forces gets setup by a crooked CIA operative and left for dead. They decide to put their unique training to good use getting some well deserved payback. Think modern day "Dirty Dozen" meets Jason Bourne. Each guy has a specialty and they are all lead by Grey's Anatomy's Jeffery Dean Morgan. It's a real guy movie, like the grown up, super cool version of when you played 'army' as little kids. Morgan and Zoe Saldana ("Avatar") have the sexiest fight scene since "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." Chris Evans ("Fantastic Four") just blows up in this movie! He's hands down the best thing in it and just a serious blast to watch. I guess they were setting up a sequel with the ending but ehhh, kinda weak how they left it.

 

 

The Backup Plan (C-)

Jennifer Lopez stars as Zoe, a 30 something, independent woman who decides to have a baby on her own since she still hasn't found Mr. Right. Just after she gets artificially inseminated, she meets the man of her dreams as they get into a cab at the same time and argue about who is getting out. That cliché and the rest of the movie are all set pieces we've seen countless times in bad romantic comedies. It was obvious J-lo was trying to get her feet wet again after her protracted absence from the big screen to raise her real life kids... for a while. The male lead is played by Alex O'laughlin, who was obviously picked to be decent enough looking to draw in the female audience but not strong enough to steal any scenes from Ms. Diva. This was like a tune up fight for a boxer and about as entertaining. Zoe gets everything she says she wants and either walks away from or sabotages everything she's handed. The guy in this film is a complete pussy, who just follows her around like puppy dog waiting for her to figure it all out, happy ending, roll credits. There, now YOU don't have to go see it.

 

Death at a Funeral (D-)

"Death at a Funeral" was really funny, hilarious in parts and with a great ensemble cast and a brutally witty script. I am of course referring to the 2007 British original and NOT this BET piece of shit remake. Frank Oz (Muppets, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels) directed the original that was laugh out loud funny, about an unexpected attendee at a family funeral who changes everyone's perception of the deceased. Chris Rock was the producer on this remake and he tossed in about 5 min. of original/black writing to "make it his own" just as rappers are simply "sampling" songs that other people wrote and sang. To his credit though, there were no black actors out of work that week (with the notable exception of Eddie Murphy). This remake *(of a 3 year old film!!!) stars: Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Tracy Morgan, Zoe Saldana, Regina Hall and coming out of retirement, and surprisingly NOT playing the corpse, Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon). All the dumb, slapstick parts are covered by a couple of white guys as some kind of payback for slavery I can only assume. Chris Rock is one of the most creative, insightful, genuinely original comedic minds working today and for him to have put together this colorized, plagiarized, and worst of all, unfunny rip off was all the more disappointing.

the original:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neCY4hh1wJg

 

Date Night (C+)

Steve Carell (40 yr. old virgin) and Tina Fey (Sarah Palin) star as a suburban couple, stuck in a rut who decide to break out and have a night on the town. When they can't get in to a swanky restaurant, they snag someone else's reservation and the mistaken identity leads to a cavalcade of mishaps and excitement. At least that's what they were selling. Fey and Carell work well together, as would be expected but are never really given enough material to swing at. The story is tired and convoluted, basically they took Scorcese's dark comedy "After Hours"(1985) and mixed it with the Jack Lemmon classic, "The Out of Towners" (1970). What do you expect from a writer whose only other credit is some work on "Shrek 3"? The natural comedic talent of the two stars makes this watchable or a good rental but it falls short of the potential that a movie with those two stars in it should have had.

after hours trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLHM-wPecz0

 

Kick Ass (C+)

I love these kinds of movies, and I was really looking forward to this one. Sadly, it doesn't kick ass. It wanders around quite a bit, doesn't ever really figure out what kind of a movie it wants to be, but kick ass...eh, no. Don't get me wrong, there are some decent action sequences, especially from the unexpected likes of 13 yr. old, Chloe Moretz (Hit Girl). She is hands down the highlight of the film and by contrast, the untouted appearance of Nicolas Cage as her dad is more off putting and creepy than entertaining. "Kick Ass" is the story of a dorky nerd who just decides to slap on a super hero costume and go fight some crime. Of course he gets beat up, stabbed, etc. but he is undaunted until he runs afoul of big city crime boss Frank D'Amico. Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin) plays D'Amico's son, who also decides to become a super villain named Red Mist. It had all the ingredients to have been a smash hit but drops the ball. Go watch instead: "Mystery Men, Watchmen, or even Orgazmo."

Mystery Men trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JL-WGDMo9o&feature=related

 

Hot Tub Time Machine (F)

Here is your hands down winner for the 2010 Razzie award. I hated this movie and not for the reasons that would appear obvious, i.e. the notion of a hot tub/time machine. I really like almost everyone in this movie, and I have to admit, I was looking forward to it being an off the wall, fun ride back to fabulous 80's. Add in the stellar acting of John Cusack, who grew up 8 miles from me as a kid and just 3 years behind me. He's my cinematic doppelganger appearing in such seminal films from my youth as: Sixteen Candles, The Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, Hot Pursuit and Say Anything. I mean come on, you see anybody holding a boom box over their head and what is the first thing that comes to mind? He proved he can revisit the 80's in a respectful, entertaining and legit way in "Gross Point Blank." So, this film had all the necessary ingredients for a potentially wonderful voyage back to the land of popped collared Izods and parachute pants. Instead, its like listening to some 20 year old DJ plays what they think is "cool" 80's music on the radio and spins some dope Safety Dance or Katrina and the Waves. This film was just stupid and accomplished nothing more than one silly parody of eighties culture after another, like a bad SNL skit. Cusack made this with a bunch of his real life friends from high school and even took a producer credit on it, so you can't say he didn't realize what he was doing. Anybody who likes this film, was born in the 90's. Extremely disappointing and waste of great comedic talent! Even the soundtrack sucked. Let me fix that for ya...Turn up your speakers REALLLL LOUD and click for the 80's !:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxpB5gjj2Q0

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFi2aG1yBH4&feature=related

 

 

How to Train Your Dragon (C)

This film just didn't work for me on several levels. First and most glaring, the star Hiccup, voiced by Jay Baruchel ("She's Out of My League and Knocked Up") sounded like some dude who works the drive up window at the taco bell in El Segundo California. Maybe that was to make Vikings more accessible to younger movie goers but it just seemed so out of place that it ruined the film for me. Then the whole Dragon representation...ehhhhh. While dragons do play a role in Viking mythology, they aren't the Avatar kind. One thing I really like about most Dreamworks animation is their almost pathological attention to realism and detail, even in fantasy. The people who did "Kung Fu Panda" obviously knew something about kung fu and kung fu movies. The guys who made this film simply combined their love of Judd Apatow movies with their deep affection for "Shrek" talked.

 

Clash of the Titans (C-)

Sam Worthington ("Avatar") stars as Perseus, in this redoing of the B-movie classic from 1981. The original was wildly successful because although the special effects were limited and obvious, the film sparked your imagination and brought to life the most important element of film making...story telling, and nobody did that better than the ancient Greeks. For all its 3-D splendor and green screen, I found the modern "Clash" rather uninspiring and in many ways, as the first version spawned endless homage, this one seems redundant and like we've seen it all before (cuz we have). Instead of amazing and captivating me, it left me completely flat. Good thing there's like 30 other movies from the 80's that are coming out this year....geeesh Hollywood, come on?!

here is the trailer from the original:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toy7sDPoMKs

 

Repo Men (C-)

Seen "Total Recall," "Blade Runner," "Gattaca," or "The Minority Report?" Yeah, so did the guys who made this movie. Absolutely nothing new here, which surprised me because this film had a pretty interesting trailer. Staring Jude Law and the recently prolific, Forest Whitaker, its the futuristic tale about guys who go around repossessing transplanted, mechanical organs that people don't make their payments on. When Law's character winds up on the receiving end of one of the organs, he can no longer bring himself to do his job and becomes one of the hunted. The premise had some potential, there are a few good action scenes and Law and Whitaker are both fine actors but this movie is so redundant, derivative and without any original thought that it should have a roman numeral in the title, as this much plagiarism is usually reserved for sequels. I guess the repo stands for reproduction, not repossession in this case.

 

The Bounty Hunter (D)

Huge fan of both Gerard Butler ("300") and Jennifer Anniston ("The Good Girl") and was willing to give this film the full benefit of the doubt going in. Its the story of an ex cop turned bounty hunter who gets the ticket on his ex wife after she fails to appear for a court date. I'm sure plenty of divorced guys have had this fantasy and the idea of Jen Anniston in handcuffs thrown over your shoulder is by no means unpleasant, but these charismatic stars are completely wasted on this mess of a film. Surprisingly enough, they have zero sexual chemistry and although Gerard may have hit that in real life (based on Anniston's track record with her leading men and Butler's history of nailing anything in a skirt), it sure didn't translate to the screen. These two would have been much more entertaining to watch doing just about anything besides wading through this slog of a romantic comedy.

 

Our Family Wedding (F-) ***WARNING***

This movie stunk so bad, watching it was like falling face first into a dumpster behind a homeless shelter full of skunks and limburger cheese, covered in dirty diapers and port-a-potty waste from a Gratefull Dead concert. Unequivocally one of the worst films I have ever seen. This... I hesitate to call it a movie, is about a black and hispanic couple who decide to get married and the clash of cultures that occurs when their two families get involved. Just one after another of the worst stereotypes of each race being performed in an absurd, ridiculous and insulting manner from start to finish. This film (cough, gag, choke..) is the cinematic equivalent of when someone says "oh white people can't use the N word, only black people can" and then proceeds to insert it as every other word in a sentence. Adding insult to injury, this film is a siren's call, luring every MUTHER FUCKER who thinks its ok to talk to the movie as its playing, to come on down to the theater and join the cacophony of ill mannered, etiquetteless, poorly raised, imbeciles that can't keep their mouths shut in public. Its rocky horror meets BET minus any humor, wit or class.

 

She's Out of My League (D)

Jay Baruchel ("Knocked Up") plays an average joe, who works for the TSA doing airport security. Happenstance provides a chance meeting with a perfect 10 in the form of Alice Eve (who I recommend you check out in the marginal film, "Crossing Over"). The first part of the film shines a light, as the title would suggest, on the enormous gap between his mediocrity and her stunning beauty and general coolness and is very reminiscent of "Something About Mary." The second half, where they are supposed to point out the hidden qualities of what she sees in him, doesn't happen. Its just more of the same, so at the end everyone is STILL asking why does she like this guy? Unfortunately, this film was written by the guys who penned the upcoming "Hot Tub Time Machine" so I don't have high hopes for that one to be anything more than a world class stinker too. With regard to this film, they started weak and it just got weaker.

 

Green Zone (B)

Matt Damon is back in another action film, this  time about the lead up to the Iraq War and the search for WMD. Damon plays a chief warrant officer who is tasked with seeking out and destroying Saddam's caches of biological and nuclear weapons. There's only one problem, they aren't there. As his character looks for answers, he discovers the intelligence is coming from a single source that may have an agenda of their own that they're pushing. This film has a smart premise delivered in a dumb way, its poli sci 101 for dummies. The action is decent and to their credit, neither the film maker or Damon ever make it feel like a Bourne picture. I just wish they would have given the audience a little more credit and asked some tougher questions that still need to be answered.

 

  Brooklyn's Finest (C)

When they load up a film with stars these days, you never can tell what you're going to get. Sometimes its "Crash" and sometimes its "Crossing Over." This film falls somewhere in between. Directed by Antoine Fuqua ("Training Day"), it basically is a Chinese menu of a film, one from column A, one from column B. Fuqua takes a handful of storylines all having to do with cops and twists and turns them trying for creative but winding up with convoluted. Apparently every cop in Brooklyn is on the take or crooked in some way, shape or form. Having all the unaffiliated participants cross each other on the street at the same time was more lame than tricky. I think I actually yelled out, "oh no he did-ent!" Everyone is just playing a part they've played in a previous movie: Ethan Hawke (Training Day, What Doesn't Kill You), Richard Gere (Internal Affairs), Don Cheadle (Crash, Traffic), and they might as well have just called Wesley Snipes' character Nino Brown (New Jack City). To his credit, Snipes can really play that role and after his hiatus from major films, he doesn't miss a beat in the reprising of that charismatic, thug-life persona. Something I did find rather amusing was that on the movie poster, they listed the stars and then put AND Wesley Snipes off to the side, not in a special way but more like, he'll be easier to delete if he screws up before we put this sucker in the can and we can erase him from the poster if we wind up cutting him from the film, hahahaha.

 

  Alice in Wonderland (D)

The thing about Tim Burton's films is that you can't be unaffected by them, you're either going to love them or hate them. I loved "Sleepy Hollow" so you can guess where I'm headed with "Alice." It was all just too weird and creepy and nightmarish for me. So of course that makes it the role Johnny Depp dreams about playing. I just couldn't wait for it to be over, like a really bad trip (either vacation or drug, you choose.) The special effects were the best I've ever seen in any adaptation thusfar of this literary classic but that still wasn't enough to make it anything but annoying and did I mention ...weird?

 

 

  Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (C)

Ok, well I didn't drink the shamrock flavored kool-aid on the first one, as I thought it was an Okay movie but not the cult, underground classic everyone keeps trying to make it out to be. I thought the original was like an Ed Hardy T-shirt, sort of obviously trying a little too hard to be cool. I got the black comedy, tongue in cheek, nudge nudge wink wink of it all mixed well with some gunplay and thick Irish accents, I get it - really. This one though, was like a cartoon! Nothing clever or witty or even that Irish, just silly and so diluted from the first one as to be whole heartedly disappointing to the pre-existing fan base looking for more. Perhaps they should have called this one, Boondock II: The Quest for Me Lucky Charms.

 

Cop Out (F)

Ooofff! Ouch. Imagine having your junk slammed in a door for an hour and a half. Tracy Morgan is hilarious ...for about a minute, which makes him perfect for SNL but about 90 minutes too much for film. Willis had this expression thru the entire movie like, "what the fuck am I doing here?" Which is an entirely valid question. "Cop Out" was originally titled "A Couple of Dicks." Both titles are very telling. Dicks would be an understatement when referring to these characters and cop out is exactly what "Clerks" director, Kevin Smith did when they put him in charge of this picture. I saw just a sad and pathetic interview with him recently where he was crying about how he thought Zack and Miri (also reviewed here) was going to be his Citizen Cane, make a bagillion dollars and launch him into the mainstream film making arena along side directors like Cameron, Spielberg and Scorsese. When Zach and Miri tanked, he lost all his confidence and when they handed him the keys to this mess, he completely sold out, right down to the title. Fox and the religious right refused to run promo's for "Zach and Miri Make a Porno", the original title, so the studio shortened it and put stick figures on the poster. When a couple of dicks was met with the same resistance, Smith caved and changed the title. He's completely lost it, such a shame. Zero confidence in his own abilities as a director, totally pandering to the studio, and basically he just pointed the camera at Morgan and let it run. What the film going audience is left with, is the cinematic equivalent of the feeling you get when stepping into a huge, steaming, slippery pile of dog shit in a pair of brand new shoes. Just awful on every level imaginable.

 

Shutter Island (C+)

I would put in a spoiler alert, but its so obvious, it shouldn't take you long to figure it out once you're in the theater anyway. Scorsese directs DiCaprio again, this time as a shell shocked WWII vet, who is a cop investigating a disappearance at a federal asylum for the criminally insane. One of the inmates has gone missing...or have they? DiCaprio and his partner, Mark Ruffalo ("Just like Heaven") try to unravel the mysterious circumstances in a place filled with secrets and people who aren't who they appear to be. Good actors, fair acting, decent visuals and a story that is atypical of Scorsese, in that it's rather transparent and not very good. He tried for a modern day take on the German Expressionist classic "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" (1920) but failed miserably. I've actually given away the whole movie already but decoding my review will be more fun than actually seeing this movie.

Here is the trailer for "Caligari":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odCaLSKbu3o&feature=related

 

 

When in Rome (D)

I've said it before, I'll say it again, romantic comedies are hard. The studios seem to think you just plug in 2 pretty faces and there ya go but films like this illustrate that that is not the case. "When in Rome" is the story of a young woman played by Kristen Bell, who discovers first hand the implications of removing coins placed in a magical fountain of love in Rome. All the lovelorn suitors who cast their coins into the water on a wish for true love become enchanted by Bell's character and all wind up back in New York attempting to win her affection. She genuinely likes Josh Duhamel ("Las Vegas") but thinks it might just be the fountain's spell that is drawing him to her. If that is already sounding dumb, it didn't get any better when they put in on film. Not very funny or cute or even romantic.

 

The Wolfman (C)

Benicio Del Toro stars as the most recent incarnation of the legendary figure of horror films, "The Wolfman." I absolutely loved the 1941 version with Lon Chaney Jr. in the lead and I even had the popular aurora monster model of the wolfman as a kid. In the original, the old gypsy woman (Maria Ouspenskaya) tells Larry Talbot, "Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright". According to Del Toro, they were attempting to stay faithful to this version vs. many of the more recent retellings (American Werewolf in London, Howling, Teen Wolf, Underworld and dare I say, Twilight). They did keep the look of the werewolf very close to the original but took the storyline in directions that didn't help the new film at all. Where in the first film, Claude Rains is the benevolent father who tries to help his son, in this version Anthony Hopkins plays the estranged and abusive father who is quite unlikable. It just didn't have the charm of the original and although I was pleased to see they didn't chase the gorefest element by having the wolf gnawing on entrails, the scary parts were simply "BOO!" moments they threw in at random. A very cheap cinematic technique of having stuff pop out at you that was popularized during the first 3-D craze in movies back in the 50-60's. A very forgettable film with poor character development, a blah storyline and shot very dark to hide their less than quality film making skills. Regrettably disappointing effort.

Watch the original trailer here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTNQEd8D4pg&feature=related

 

Percy Jackson and the Olympians - the Lightening Thief (D)

Apparently they thought that they could make a crappy film sound better by giving it the longest title possible. It's just weak from start to finish. The acting is horrible, the story is a joke, like Greek Mythology for American teens who don't like to read and don't know anything about anything. Hold on, that's exactly who this movie WAS made for, so I guess it's a masterpiece then. The only amazing thing about this film was the legitimate supporting cast they got to participate: Pierce Brosnan, Uma Thurman, Steve Coogan, Rosario Dawson, Kevin McKidd (HBO's Rome) and Sean Bean (National Treasure). I know it's a popular book but it's crap like this that makes you appreciate Harry Potter.

 

Crazy Heart (B-)

Jeff Bridges plays Bad Blake, a washed up, over-the-hill, country singer who just might have one good song left in him. As he drags himself deeper and deeper into despair, playing backwater honkeytonks and bowling alleys in the dustbowl, he encounters his muse, a single mom, small town reporter played by Maggie Gyllenhaal. The music written especially for this film and sung by Bridges is really very good. The story is basically your typical Waylon, Willie, or Kris Kristopherson in the 70's tale of hard drinking, fast living and the toll it takes on someone. As far as the Oscar buzz, here is the problem with this movie, first, its really last years "The Wrestler" screenplay almost shot for shot, just done with country western music instead of cage matches. Secondly, Bridges plays the sloppy drunk looking for redemption quite well but George Clooney's role in "Up in the Air" is a much better performance. Having said that, Bridges will most likely win Best Male Actor because Clooney's performance seemed too much like Clooney in real life and the Academy always rewards performers who are willing to throw up on camera for their art (Nicolas Cage - "Leaving Las Vegas"). No one is mentioning that Colin Farell is in it too and he too sings his own songs. You can guess why.

 

Valentine's Day (D)

This film made me feel dirty and violated...and not in a good way. Its one of those ensemble pieces with 20 different storylines going at once and as is typical for that format, you never get enough development to really give a damn about anybody in the movie or what happens to them since they only get like 4 min. of screen time each. Yes, its a who's who of romantic comedies starring: Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts, Jessica Biel, Jennifer Garner, Ann Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Bradley Cooper, Patrick McDreamie-whatever, Taylor Lautner and coming off his stellar performance (sarcasm) in the We are the World 25 remake :(, the indefatigable, Jamie Foxx. Ok, back to the dirty part, directed by Garry Marshall ("Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride") and starring all those famous heart throbs, and opening around it's namesake holiday, it was so obviously manipulative and romantically overloaded that it was like some devious plot was being hatched by the greeting card, chocolate and flower industries to take over the world. Its like having your girlfriend punish you for buying her season tickets on the 50 yd. line for Valentine's last year, by making you sit thru 10 romantic chick flicks all at one time while having pure sugar pumped into your veins, as some kind of sick, twisted penance combined with soviet style brainwashing. This movie is the equivalent of romantic water boarding for guys. Torture is wrong.

 

Edge of Darkness (C+)

It was just ok. Gibson's return to the screen after a long absence (mugshots not included) results in a thoroughly adequate, yet completely uninspired performance. Edge of Darkness, which has nothing to do with the story at all but looks good on a movie poster, is about Gibson's character's daughter actually who works as an intern for a high tech company that might be in the business of making something other than what it claims. As she tries to blow the whistle, she is murdered on the front steps of her father's home. He happens to be a Boston cop and everyone believes that the hit was meant for him. A very long hour later the story finishes unraveling and you find out otherwise. A knockoff film all around and it even has some lovely bones elements where the dead daughter comes back and speaks to Gibson. The performances were decent, the storyline wasn't horrible albeit very familiar, so it was just ok. 

 

 

It's Complicated (C+)

A tremendous cast: Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin make up the nouveau chic California love triangle that lies at the heart of this story. Streep and Baldwin are divorced but pulled back together thru family gatherings only to discover the spark has not extinguished between them as they rekindle a brand new, torrid affair on the side. Adding to the perplexity is Martin's character, the good guy architect who she also has feelings for. Let the revolving door of romance begin! Baldwin is 30 Rock funny as the oversexed x trying to get back in with Streep and she does a better than average job of looking flustered and horny. Martin on the other hand looks like he's some kind of lumber byproduct made of wood shavings and glue, not to mention the fact that he's obviously had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers. It's very off putting. The story was cute although probably more of a vignette than a full length feature and if they didn't have the star power they brought to the film, it very easily could have been awful. It's cute(ish) and well acted, except for Martin who seems completely lost throughout the movie.

 

 

Did you hear about the Morgans? (D)

Let me preface this with the fact that I think Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse in a wig. She starred in a movie about witches called "Hocus Pocus" and instead of scary makeup, all they had to do to her was give her a pointy hat. That being said, I kinda like Hugh Grant, although he has basically played the EXACT same character in every single film he's ever been in. This one has Sam ("Tombstone") Elliott  though, so that kept it from being an F. The Morgans are a NYC couple on the rocks who witness a contract killing and are whisked off to Wyoming to hide out in a temporary witness relocation program. Insert all the stereotypical big city folks come to the wild west gags, (bear encounter, horseback riding, chopping wood and guns). All this fish out of water stuff is passable but obvious and the film tries a bit too hard to be cute. Parker and Grant have zero chemistry. On the other hand, it does tick all the boxes it set out to and if you like either of the stars, it's watchable in a pinch. I mean who doesn't like a movie starring a talking horse?

 

 

The Book of Eli (B-)

Denzel Washington is Eli, a post-apocalyptic, prophet warrior wandering across what is left of humanity doling out mercy and vengeance with equal aplomb. He is the guardian of a book, a very special book that may hold the key to mankind's salvation. Eventually, he encounters the ruthless and evil Carnegie, played adequately by Gary Oldman ("True Romance") who is also seeking the book but for his own reasons. Washington's character must defeat the mad max version of the philistines to make it to the promised land. As you can tell from my review, the film is heavy with biblical references and parallel story lines and that part is very well done. There is sufficient road warrior 'thunderdome' violence befitting a world in chaos but it still drags quite a bit with far too many dramatic close ups and sappy soft moments from Denzel. Like when they turn bible stories into comic books, I felt like there was a smarter more complex version of the screenplay out there that we weren't getting to see and this was the stripped down, mass consumer, lowest common denominator version. It's still a decent film and they were really onto something with the storyline but dropped the ball somewhat with regard to this film's potential. I wanted to like it even more than I did.

 

 

Up in the Air (A)

I must admit, Clooney has been turning in some very sketchy performances lately (some crap about looking at goats??). Anyway, thanks to some brilliant writing by Ivan Reitman's ("Ghostbusters, Stripes") little boy, Jason who co-wrote and directed this film, it's one of the year's best and perhaps in the top 3. The production values are awful, it's more like a play really, as most of the scenes are in hotel conference rooms and airports but that makes it feel more real than some polished, glitzy Hollywood romantic comedy. This is a movie about Clooney's character, Ryan, who gets hired to come in and do mass firings of employees by companies who are downsizing in this horrible economy. He spends 340 days a year on the road and doesn't know what to do with himself on the days he's not working. He IS his job and he loves it and he's very, very good at it. This is one of Clooney's finest performances and I'm not sure any other actor could have pulled it off near as well. It's his film, he makes it as good as it is and nails this character. Ryan's world gets threatened with extinction however when a new up and comer played by Anna Kendrick, suggests that they can fire people over the internet and save all that horrible traveling that Ryan loves. He takes her on a road trip to show her the real world, in the trenches version of what she 'thinks' he does for a living and opens her eyes to the skillset and art form that Ryan has mastered over his million mile career. Along the way, he meets the female version of himself, another corporate road warrior with a similar wunderlust and almost as many frequent flyer miles. All this causes him to re-evaluate his life, priorities and entire value system. The film is a serious and thoughtful commentary on what happens to a person when they become their jobs. I can't say enough about how masterfully this film is written and superbly acted by a very well cast ensemble. This movie is so much more than just a quasi-chick flick or romantic comedy, its heartfelt, smart, clever, real and touching. Having had one or two myself, if you've ever had an all-consuming, highly demanding and life sucking job like Clooney's character, this movie will speak to you.

 

 

Youth in Revolt (D-)

Michael Cera ("SuperBad") stars in this teen angst comedy about a nerdy nerd who meets his true love while vacationing at a trailer park. His muse however is even more quirky than he is and having religious fanatics for parents isn't helping her cause. Cera's character opts to don an alter ego who is all the daring and dangerous things he's not to win his true love. This is a dumb movie and not worth watching. Cera leapt into fame and the public consciousness without any acting credentials or talent and it's beginning to show. He has completely worn out his dork/nerd/loser likeability and is becoming very boring and redundant and unwatchable. Would you give a movie deal to the kid who mows YOUR lawn?

 

 

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (C)

This film may be off the radar for some but for those who have read the best selling, real life book that it's based on, it was a highly anticipated film. I watched all the youtube, advanced screening promos that were hilarious and I was really looking forward to seeing this movie. This is the life story of one, Tucker Max a handsome, brash, law student who lives his life with no rules beyond satisfying his every lustful desire in the most juvenile, profane and immediate way possible. Tucker is the kind of guy who will hit on a hot a girl in a bar and tell her flat out to dump her fatty roommate so they can bounce, only to bang the roommate too on his way out the door the next morning...just for the story. The big problem in Tucker's life is that he's just charming, just disarming and just good looking enough to get away with this behavior - every time! The appeal for the audience is that there is a part of each of us that wishes they could drop the rule book and just live like there was no tomorrow but there is, and the fall out and devastation left in the wake of such selfishness makes for an unpleasant, unsatisfying and unattractive life. That' what happens in this movie. You role with Tucker for a while and are bemused by his audacity but after a time you finally realize he's just a prick and if you met a guy like this in real life, you'd either throw your drink at him or kick his ass depending on your gender. His friends finally come to the same realization and unlike "Up in the Air" you're never really sure if Tucker 'gets it' after he takes that long, hard look in the mirror. There is midget sex in it however, so it's got that going for it. Ewwww.

 

  Sherlock Holmes (C-)

The real mystery here is why a good director and a Brit to boot, like Guy Ritchie ("RockNRolla") would choose to screw up one of the most popular characters in film and literature of all time? To call myself a purist might be an overstatement, as I wasn't really looking for another rehashing of one of the stories penned by the master wordsmith, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I wasn't however, expecting what I got. I like Ritchie, I like Robert Downey Jr., I like Jude Law. The set decorations and costuming were very true to the period and the movie looks sufficiently Dickensian. So, the problem must lie in the story. This film has 5 screenwriters, all of whom have obviously never read any more than a Cliff's notes on Holmes. They have opted to snatch a character here and there from the writings but done the author the discredit to change their storylines and personas to fit the script. They took a classic figure who is responsible for countless reincarnations over the years and bastardized him in order to make a box office hit. Sherlock Holmes was a cerebral detective using his cunning observation and lexicon of criminal knowledge to defeat his foes. Ritchie's Holmes by comparison is reduced to a rather common figure, who resorts to fisticuffs, ninja cage fighting, gun play and explosions to accomplish his victories - mostly with his shirt off. They just put in all the kitchen sink ingredients to make a modern box office success: green screen, shoot'em ups, slow motion explosions and the prerequisite, unrequited love story that builds the sexual tension until the last frame. I expected more. You just don't screw with an icon like Sherlock Holmes if you aren't going to improve the concept, which they haven't. That would be like changing the color of Superman's cape (oh, they did that) or having 007 play Texas hold'em instead of Baccarat and driving a ford subcompact, instead of an Aston Martin (oh wait, they did that too). This movie is to filmmaking what hip hop sampling is to good music. They just took something good and made it less by making it modern. Utterly forgettable and disappointing. Anybody remember New Coke? Exactly!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXMPa6-BcHY

 

 

AVATAR (A)

I hate blue screen, 3D, look what we can do with computers kinds of films. I don't see the point in creating a digital version of an actor's face, when you can just use the damn actor! Ok, that was my disclaimer. "Avatar" is a landmark film, with the same impact to the medium as "Star Wars" had when it was first released. James Cameron ("Aliens, Terminator, Titanic") spent 10 years waiting for the technology to catch up to the vision he had for this picture. Some $300 million dollars later and he's created not only a guaranteed box office smash, but an industry changing film that will alter how science fiction films especially are made from here on out. Cameron also didn't forget the MOST important part of movie making, the story. He doesn't get huge points here as really it's just mixing the scripts from "Aliens" and "Dances with Wolves" but it works. The character development and acting is enough to make you care about the participants both good and bad but the jaw dropping, fantasy world Cameron creates on the planet Pandora is visionary, magical and awe inspiring. I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't mention that I had a little bit of a problem with the aliens being far too Native American like. It's not subtle at all in its parallels to this nation's own history of manifest destiny and our solution to the "indian problem." It even has some subtext about our current use of the Bush doctrine and our global policy on foreign affairs. All that aside, this movie holds up and is an experience that should not be missed on a big screen, IN an actual theater. Cameron even put Sigourney Weaver in it, just to make doubly sure it couldn't miss. Check out the HD trailer here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PSNL1qE6VY

 

The Blind Side (A-)

Sandra Bullock stars as a southern socialite who discovers this man-child student attending her kid's school, who is homeless and a bit out of place as a huge black kid in an all white, private, prep academy in Memphis. She takes him under her wing and moves him into their upscale, mansion. This story is based on the real life events of Michael Oher, who just got drafted by the NFL's Ravens in the first round. Critics have panned it as formulaic, predictable and too rah rah to be believable. I disagree. Sometimes formula movies just work, look at films like "Rudy" or "Days of Thunder." Did anyone in the theater think Tom Cruise was going to lose the big race at the end? You know where this movie is going and it certainly doesn't veer off the path much but I found it authentic, inspirational and heartfelt. After some very weak performances lately from Bullock, she nails this role. I enjoyed every minute of this movie and thought they did a very nice job of blending a classic grid iron tale with the age old Pygmalion story of a fish out of water in new surroundings without being condescending or superficial. Good performances all around, including Tim McGraw and Kathy Bates. Fans of the SEC will also appreciate the walk on cameos by coaches - Tommy Tuberville, Nick Saban and Philip Fulmer.

 

 

Brothers (B-)

I had very high hopes for this movie because let's face it, it has a trinity of excellent young actors in the leads. Tobey Maguire ("Spiderman") and Jake Gyllenhaal ("Jarhead") star as brothers, alongside Natalie Portman ("V for Vendetta"). Tobey is a straight arrow, by the book Marine on his way to Afghanistan, leaving behind a modern day Norman Rockwell family, with Portman as his wife and two small daughters. Brokeback Gyllenhaal by contrast is the black sheep brother, who's fresh out of jail and even has a tat on his neck to illustrate just how dark and brooding his character is. Maguire is thought to be killed in action and Gyllenhaal steps in and fills a void left behind by Maguire's perceived death and finally starts to feel like less of the bad brother without the good one around for the constant direct comparisons. The bad brother begins to form an emotional bond with Portman's character, coming dangerously close to crossing a line of propriety. When Maguire's character comes back from the dead, he's a little worse for wear and mentally, a bit of a ticking time bomb. Upon his return, he notices the newfound connection and Cain begins to question Able's motives. The acting was better than the story and it seemed like Maguire was swinging a little hard for the fences with his emotional outbursts. The ending flat sucked but overall it was an ok film with above average acting.

 

 

Precious (D+)

What do you get when take uplifting films like "Dangerous Minds" and "The Great Debaters" and mix it with the best of Maury Povich? "Precious" is what you get. Apparently big girls be havin big problems and big dreams. Newcomer Gabey Sidibe bravely plays Precious, a XXXL inner city black girl with a face like a tray of biscuits. Here is her story... she's in high school but illiterate, she has one retarded baby named Mongo, short for mongoloid (no shit) and another one on the way, both from her own father. Her mother beats her regularly, when not trying to further scar her emotionally. All the while, Precious fantasizes about being a celebrity diva in the bright lights of the paparazzi, although she has no discernable talent. She begins to attend an alternative school and an inspired young teacher reaches out to her and tries to rekindle a spark of humanity in this young woman's horrific life. The actor playing Precious is getting Oscar buzz already but she's the 3rd best performance in this movie. The most courageous, raw and unforgettable acting is turned in surprisingly enough by comedic BET favorite, Mo'Nique ("Soul Plane") as Precious' mom. Man, talk about keepin' it real? If there would have been ANY white people associated with making this movie ...and Oprah wouldn't have personally funded and backed it, it would have suffered the slings and arrows of Al Sharpton et al for its revealing portrayals of ghetto life gettin checks. Sometimes brutal honesty and the ugly truth don't make a good movie, this is just such a case. My favorite role in this film and a huge surprise was music superstar, Mariah Carey playing a Jewish social worker. She was dare I say, excellent! And it will take you 10 min. just to figure out that it's her in this movie. I was shocked at how well she did, seeing as how she was the diva star of that other blockbuster "Glitter." I'm sure this movie spoke to Oprah and other sexually assaulted, overweight, black women across America, but I found it depressing and disturbing and didn't come away from it with anything redeeming or inspirational in the end.

 

 

Armored (C)

What do you get when you put together a decent ensemble cast, to make an armored car heist film, about a returning Iraq War vet caught in a morality play about choosing to do a bad thing for all the right reasons? In this case, a dumb, boring film full of scenes of people doing stuff that no one would ever do in those circumstances. Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburne and Jean Reno star along side Columbus Short ("Stomp the Yard") as the Vet. Short's character goes along with the plot because he's about to lose his house to the bank and his little brother to foster care since their parent's untimely death if he can't come up with the mortgage payment pronto. Dillon is the mastermind who concocts this scheme to keep all the money in the armored cars that they guard and just SAY they got robbed and hide the money. People get in the way and the stakes get raised when murder gets added into the balance. Short's character changes his mind midway and tries to right the wrong he's at the center of. I don't know who wrote this (James V. Simpson), but it was completely stupid from the jump. Everything that happened, happened just to drive the convoluted story and had no continuity, rhyme or reason or basis in reality. What a waste of some very good talent and who doesn't like a good heist movie? It's not the banks but the movie going audience that got ripped off on this one.

 

2012 (F)

The biggest disaster here is this movie. Roland Emmrich ("Independence Day, Godzilla") co-wrote and directed this dreadful, absurd, ludicrous and entirely unbelievable crap. John Cusack ("Say Anything") stars as a limo driver/author who discovers from Woody Harrelson that civilization is going to end according to a terminus prediction of the Mayan calendar that the world will end on 12-21-2012. Then the ground starts to shake and for the next 29 min. the planet continues to explode juuuuuuuuuuuuust at Cusack's heels as he escapes time after time with his family in tow. Everywhere he goes, from downtown L.A. to Yellowstone to China, the abyss of the apocalypse is looming in his rear view mirror. All the usual landmarks get demolished and the obligatory Poseidon tsunami finishes off whatever the earthquakes and volcanoes missed. Just the worst kind of unrealistic CGI and a whole lot of chicken little, the sky is falling acting. But hey, it's got a black President so it's topical.

 

A Christmas Carol (B+)

This movie left me very conflicted. Dicken's classic tale of a miserly curmudgeon who must learn his lesson and right his ways after being visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future is one of my all time favorites and a masterpiece of both literature and film. This is a very authentic telling of the story and by no means, a watered down, kid friendly version of the frightful and perilous cautionary tale against not having good will toward man. The story is so faithful in fact that I would not have any reservation in saying that it could potentially be emotionally disturbing to any viewer under 12 years old. It's a very good movie to boot but here's my conundrum, I absolutely hate this new, video game style, quasi real/quasi animated abomination of film making. What is the point of having an actor say all the lines, actually putting the real life actors face ON the avatar and then taking 3 years of computer programming to make the lifeless, dimensionless, character do the exact same things the actor would have done? For this same reason I despised Beowulf, and Polar Express and any other movie that bastardizes the medium of film. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should and from a technology standpoint, this is the cinematic equivalent of cloning sheep. My diatribe on film ethics aside, this was a good movie and in keeping with versions past, made the viewer introspective about how well they are practicing the golden rule in their own lives and in this day of dog eat dog and greed, the message of this film has never been more timely or appropriate. I would have just liked to seen some PEOPLE in it dammit!! The 1938 Alastair Sims version is still the BEST.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l1_82x2BO4&feature=related

 

 

 

Paranormal Activity (C)

This movie has been greatly touted for costing very little to make and dragging huge box office numbers. Some irony here is that obvious comparisons have been made to "The Blair Witch Project" (1999) mostly due to the budget/profit similarities and both being within the supernatural thriller genre. Another parallel exists, in that without Blair Witch, there couldn't have or perhaps wouldn't have been a "Paranormal Activity" both in the fact that it's obvious that the writers and directors saw the former and it influenced the later but also that the original is in all ways better than the reincarnation. My own unscientific survey has lead me to conclude that the people who enjoyed Paranormal had for the most part heard of, but not seen Blair Witch and the people who had seen Blair Witch were underwhelmed by Paranormal. I found the acting to be very amateurish and while that lent itself to a feeling of reality in Blair Witch, it just looks very You Tube-y here. Although there are some "Booo!" moments built into the film, it never raised the palpable sense of genuine terror and dread that Blair Witch did for me. Where the Blair Witch could have used a little less snot, this movie needed a slightly more polished story and much better acting.

 

 

This is It (B)

This is the new Michael Jackson, behind the scenes, concert film. I was concerned going in that this was going to be another way to ring out some doe ray me from the dead superstar. It's obvious that there is no shortage of people trying to cash in on the king of pop's resurgent popularity in death. I was thankfully surprised that this is a legitimate, insightful film that is well done and very thought provoking on a multitude of levels.

 

The camera follows Jackson thru the arduous and demanding rehearsal process leading up to his farewell tour in Europe. It shows Jackson the performer, not the salacious tabloid freak that has been his most recent incarnation. Jackson sings ALL his hits and to be honest, I was looking hard for a chink in the armour. A missed note, some foot dragging, something that would coincide with his fragile constitution and pharmaceutical lifestyle. Nothing. Jackson was dead on, and unlike so many other superstars who attempt a comeback with less than stellar results, he was on top of his game down the line.

 

You could see it throughout the film, Jackson has been rehearsing this tour in his head for the last 20 years, every step, every note, every move. One thing that struck me was that in this day and age of lip syncing and auto tuning, Jackson could actually sing and moreover, they played real live music behind him and it sounded just like the record! It was brutally evident that this was not some over produced, studio soundtrack, pop star concert of today. There was legitimate talent on that stage, and real music was actually being played by musicians.

 

It dawned on me too while watching this movie that Jackson was like a pro athlete, like a Terrell Owens or Mike Tyson. Talented, gifted and brilliant at their sport but complete trainwrecks as human beings. Jackson comes to life on stage, he's home there and all the neurosis and bizarre behavior fade into the background under the spotlight. Jackson is in command...of EVERYTHING. As he rehearses, he's fixing lighting cues, rewriting music on the spot, teaching his backup dancers some new moves and all the while, being Michael Jackson.

 

As he performs his catalog of memorable hits, you slowly begin to remember what a special person he was and how amazingly gifted. But the shear volume of the material and the physical demands that exact such a tremendous toll on a performer like Jackson left me with little doubt that combining his up and down chemical lifestyle with that Herculean tour would have killed him anyway.

 

I felt both sad and joyous for Michael, as he obviously struggled with the most basic elements of humanity and lead what appears to be a mostly joyless and surprisingly unfulfilled life. Sad too, that his fans and the world missed out on what would have surely been the most remarkable concert tour in recent memory, if not all time. But at the same time consoled in the notion that in his final days, Jackson was in the one place on this earth that he was comfortable, un-self-conscious , in control and dare I say, happy. He was a fading star, past his zenith but still bright enough that he was ready for his close-up. I have attached a couple of links to montages of Jackson's prolific hits. With all his personal demons aside, watching him in his element and performing to the crowd cannot help but bring a smile to your face and warm your heart toward a troubled and brilliant man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4fkOQPNxSc&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPYZAGMA7S0&feature=related

 

Capitalism: A Love Story (C)

Michael Moore ("Fahrenheit 9-11") points his documentary camera at capitalism and how it seems to be holding up in modern America. He's tackled some poignant issues in his career from the collapsing auto industry to the questionable policies of the Bush administration following the attacks on the WTC, to health care. This time, Moore takes on the sacred cow of Democracy by questioning whether capitalism is the best possible economic system for America or has rampant greed and corruption lead to its, and by extension our collapse. He makes some valid points and does his usual and admirable pulling back of the curtain on hypocrisy and falsehoods but, and this is a big but (no pun intended cause he's a fat guy) but, he cherry picks hard in this film and doesn't really give capitalism an even break. Sure, if you shoot your whole movie in D.C. and on Wall St. you're gonna find some scum bags but capitalism is a much broader concept than the treatment it gets in this film. Moore's running out of windmills to charge and this modern day Don Quixote comes off smarmier and douchier than usual. Could have been a much better film if he had focused more on the effect than on the cause.

 

 

Cirque du Freak - The Vampire's Assistant (D)

I guess this is another in a long string of teen vampire book series made into a film. Since I haven't read any of the books and I'm not a teen, I will just be reviewing this as a film. It sucked. John C. Reilly plays the vampire and he attempts to make it an everyman, down to earth, relatable creature instead of the mysterious and supernatural vampires we've all become accustom to. The assistant is even more mundane and forgettable and the whole story vacillates between silly and boring. Obviously geared toward the 13 and under demo, it was very difficult to sit thru and nothing I saw on the screen would prompt me to pick up the book(s). Seemed very much like they were just trying to cash in on preteen Halloween movie audiences. This is the movie you'd get if Nickelodeon was in the horror movie business.

 

 

Law Abiding Citizen (B-)

Oooh so close. This was a pretty good film til they completely blew the ending. "Citizen" is about an average guy (Gerard Butler) whose family is brutally murdered. Jamie Foxx plays the self serving, D.A. who makes a plea deal with the murderers. Butler's character  takes rightful exception to that and spends 10 years plotting out his plan to deliver the retributive justice he was denied by way of judicial expediency. He holds all those responsible to account. Butler's character happens to be a tinkerer, an inventor of gadgets, which comes in quite handy as he doles out justice from within the confines of prison. He's light years smarter than everyone in the film up to the end when the story dumbs wayyy down. It was reminiscent of the gangster films of the 20's and 30's, where you rooted for the bad guy thru the whole movie and then the production code mandated that he die in a profane and horrific way so the message that crime doesn't pay would be driven home to the movie going audience. Butler is charismatic as always, although a little hard to swallow as an average Joe. Foxx is totally unbelievable as the rising star Assistant District Attorney and comes off more like the Cosby show version of L.A. Law. "Citizen" tries to make a point about the maladjusted priorities of the current juris prudence system and does of fair job of making it's case. The story is engrossing and the premise sufficiently interesting to warrant a viewing but if you're like me, you'll be sorely disappointed at how they totally bailed on the ending.

 

    Couples Retreat (C-)

They should have called this "The Breakup - takes a Vacation." Vaughn and Favreau reteam with life long friend and former childstar turned director, Peter Billingsley to hammer out another in a string of disappointing, dreary and tired attempts at comedy. The couples are all whiney and depressing and without redeeming qualities for the most part. Vaughn (39) is married to Malin Ackerman (31) that you may remember from "The Heartbreak Kid" where she was in a romantic comedy in a fabulous resort setting. Jason Bateman (40) is married to Kristen Bell (29) who you may remember from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where she was in a romantic comedy set at a fabulous resort. Favreau (43) is teamed with Kristin Davis (44), comes off like an octanagerian by comparison and who the best I can tell, has never been in a romantic resort comedy before. They had no original story, and with all the popular talent that showed up, not much funny going on either. So what you're left with is that the movie going public is subsidizing Vaughn's living large lifestyle where he and Favreau get to go to Bali for 6 months and make out with hot chicks. As tropical romantic comedies go, this wasn't even as funny as "Captain Ron" starring Kurt Russell and Martin Short. Very disappointing for the people they had.

 

ZOMBIELAND (A)

I really wasn't quite sure what to expect from this film. The previews had looked rather banal, mostly Woody Harrelson attacking some grocery store zombies with a banjo. It could go either way as far as zombie films go. I have to say that I was so pleasantly surprised to find that "Zombieland" turned out to be just a very fun and enjoyable film. Don't get me wrong, it's not a total send up or parody or spoof at all. The zombies are sufficiently blood thirsty and menacing and unlike 1960's zombies, they are capable of running you down if your cardio isn't up to par. The master stroke of this film is in the character development. Harrelson plays a half crazed, off the wall...who are we kidding, he's playing Woody Harrelson but damn he's fun to watch in this movie. To create balance, the story's narrator is a loser, dork, nerd college kid who survives by sticking to a set of zombie rules that he's established. Along the way, they run into 2 resourceful sisters who are trying to get to a west coast amusement park they've heard is a zombie free zone. There are the Romero classics, and the avant guard "Shaun of the Dead" but this may be my new favorite zombie film. It's that good.

Watch the trailer here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-cIjPOJdFM

 

Surrogates (B-)

"Surrogates" is the futuristic story of a society where everyone lives their lives thru robotic surrogates that they control from the slothy comfort of their own home. These surrogates can be younger, better looking, whatever you want and whatever they experience, you experience. Bruce Wills plays a cop who runs across a dead surrogate and discovers whatever killed the proxy, killed the human at the controls at the same time - which isn't supposed to be able to happen. Willis opts to shed his surrogate and tackle the investigation old school by just walking around himself. It's an interesting commentary on where we are headed as a society and what role technology plays in our quality of life. It will also make you ponder a very serious what if? What if tomorrow, you could flip a switch and all the gameboys, Wii's, playstations, and X-boxes ceased to work forever? What would that world look like and would that necessarily be a bad thing? Back to the movie, its a bit too long and the story breaks down some in the middle and it has some pathetic special effects (ala "Westworld" 1973) but it's a decent film and certainly thought provoking. There's still just something about Willis doing sci-fi that makes me flash back to "The Fifth Element."
 

 

Jennifer's Body (D)

Diablo Cody, who wrote "Juno," penned this tale about a stuck up high school girl who gets her comeuppance in spades when a rock band tries to sacrifice her in a Satanic ritual that goes very wrong. As a result, she becomes a literal femme fatale from the underworld and begins to exact her vengeance on those around her, mostly by seducing them and then eating their faces. The term succubus refers to a demon who takes the form of a woman, who seduces men in order to steal their souls. This move got the 'suck' part right. Let's face it, Megan Fox is a total bitch, with the personality of wet lumber, certainly no actress and ironically, if it wasn't for her looks, she would be by all accounts, universally despised. She has however in real life, cast her spell on countless hoards of pubescent teens and lecherous middle-aged men. She is the female equivalent of those greasy, abusive, bad boys who steal the nice girls savings, give her a black eye and sleeps with her sister and yet...they still love the creep. This movie stunk but the people who went to see it, went because it had the remote possibility of showing Ms. Fox in some state of disrobe or perhaps in a titillating exchange that involved some tongue. I have found a way to break this she-devil's siren's song. Concentrate on her completely retarded, oversized tattoo of Marilyn Monroe that she has emblazoned (for real) on her forearm. Then you'll go "what the fuck is so great about her?"

 

 

 

  GAMER (C+)

"Gamer" is a film that takes place in a not so distant future, where video gaming has evolved to the point where people control other actual people instead of avatars inside the game. Think 'Call of Duty' meets "The Running Man" and you have a very good feel for what this film is about. Gerard Butler ("300") is the inside the game player who in reality is a convicted murderer who will be set free if his gamemaster can get him thru level 30 without dying. There is a lot of story of here, perhaps too much, as this film tries with varying success to comment on nano and bio technology, voluntary enslavement thru mind control, the downfall of a virtual society, etc. It's all very ambitious on paper but the film makers bit off more than they could handle trying to put it up on the screen. Added to the complexity of the underlying topics is a distracting and amateurish shooting style with choppy, jump cuts and blacklight cinematography. The movie 'looks' horrible and even the combat action scenes suffer from all the cuts and (un)steady cam shots. It looks like a cross between "Tron" and a Gary Numan video from the 80's (  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldyx3KHOFXw ). Butler has a big future in action films, he's great to watch and a very believable bad ass. "Gamer" however is a film that would probably be a better book to read than a motion picture. I gave them points for an intelligent premise although poorly executed.

 

 

  Extract (C)

This is one of those quirky little comedies that seems more at home in a film festival than a Cineplex. It stars Jason Bateman ("Arrested Development") as the owner of an extract company. Extract, as in vanilla... very random and has no bearing at all on the story beyond the title. Mike Judge ("Office Space") wrote this, so I had high hopes. Its moderately entertaining and pretty light hearted, in keeping with Bateman's HBO work and co stars a very pretty Mila Kunis, as a grifter-scam artist that literally disappears from the story like they ran out of ink, an understated Kristen Wiig (SNL), and Ben Affleck as the stoner bartender. I don't really care for "big" stars who jump into these supporting player roles to prove their blue collar work ethic. Basically this is the story of a bored, yuppie guy who doesn't realize all the good he has in his life and it takes a litany of disasters to show him the error of his ways. Unfortunately, this film doesn't even have as much flair as a Chotchkie's waitress.

 

 

  The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (D-)

This movie is what happens when no talent, hack writers watch a good movie and then attempt to 'reimagine' it, or as it used to be called - rip it off. The movie they were shooting for was the brilliantly funny, classic "Used Cars" starring Kurt Russell from 1980. The cast of "The Goods" is composed of some very familiar faces who are proven comedic talents, like Jeremy Piven ("Entourage"), Ed Helms ("The Hangover"), David Koechner ("Anchorman") and some real actors, like Ving Rhames and James Brolin. This is another in a long string of stinkers produced by Will Ferrell, who also makes a just ridiculous, unnecessary and worst of all, unfunny cameo as a skydiving Abe Lincoln who has a pink backpack full of sex toys instead of a parachute. Its just a bad, bad, not funny at all, comedy. Piven is the hired gun, used car salesmen extraordinaire who comes to town to help out an ailing dealership over the 4th of July weekend. He loses his focus when he falls for the lot owner's daughter and thinks he may have found his illegitimate son. He gives a dozen, pumped up, rally the troops speeches that are all completely unbelievable and has more unprovoked mood swings than Fran Dresher in menopause.  Just a dreadful, awful, painful movie going experience on just about every level. This is the kind of movie where about 10 minutes into it, you start to feel bad for the cast. This movie is a Lemon!!

 

  Inglourious Basterds (C-)

Now I'll be the first to admit that Quentin Tarantino has made some truly excellent films (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, True Romance) but at the same time, he's made some deplorable movies as well. In my opinion, as Tarantino's ego gets bigger ...if that is even possible at this juncture, his films get more and more self indulgent, quirky and bad. This movie is not as horrible as "Death Proof" but then again, few things are. Its also nowhere near as good as any of the previously mentioned films in his repertoire. This was a very superficial send up of some classic WWII action films like, and I almost hate to mention them in the same breath as this movie but... "The Dirty Dozen, Kelly's Heroes, Force 10 from Navarone, etc." Being the consummate video store nerd, Tarantino even names Brad Pitt's character Aldo Raine. Hmmm could that be a winking homage to the famous character actor of the 50's and 60's, Aldo Ray that appeared in "The Green Beret's" along side John Wayne?? Duhhh. Ok for the synopsis, Raine puts together a bunch of Jewish American soldiers to run what he calls "apache raids" on the Nazi's. Well to be literal, instead of that just meaning guerilla hit and run tactics, Raine goes so far as to have his men actually scalp the Nazi's they kill or capture. You have to reallllly go some to make a WWII hero pic and make your protagonists so heartless, cruel and devoid emotion as to have the Nazis appear sympathetic by comparison.  The story has little or no historical context and as such, turns a world war that actually happened (look it up) into some blood splatter, juvenile fantasy of Tarantino's that is without merit, morality or even that entertaining. It is NOT as good as the hype and too cartoony for anyone old enough to actually know who fought in WWII. The ensemble is weak, Pitt is playing over the top again like in "Burn After Reading" and the best actors are all the Europeans who you've never heard of. At this point, the movie is a direct reflection of the auteur. Just as Madonna came back from London with a British accent, Tarantino now refers to himself in the 3rd person almost exclusively and describes his films to the common movie goer using French cinema lingo he picked up in Cannes. I gave it a C- for decent work by the foreign actors.

 

 

 District 9 (B+)

I almost bailed on this movie 15 min. into it. It starts very slow and very dumb and the lead character has an almost undecipherable South African accent that makes the dialogue very difficult to follow. The story basically centers on an alien ship that hovers over Johannesburg and when the human's pop the can on the space ship, they find a whole colony of dumb, useless, worker aliens who are on the verge of death. The humans, doing what humans do, put them all in an internment camp that for the purposes of this film is a shot for shot redo of the Cuban ghettos in "Scarface."  All this is the not so great part. The main character, a weasely little tosser named Wikus Van De Merwe, gets put in charge of a massive relocation project for the aliens because he has married the department head's daughter. During their forced migration policy implementation, Wikus has a too close encounter with the alien culture and winds up becoming infected with a disease that is slowly transforming him into one of the creatures from outer space. Now is when this film starts to pick up. It tackles issues of xenophobia, genocide, apartheid, the role of the UN as peacekeeper, biological weapons, internment camps, refugees, and on and on. All of which are very complex issues and that require much more concentrated brain power from the viewer than lets say a Bruckheimer alien movie. It is all done very smartly however and the genius in this story is that the film maker transitions the audience masterfully from the angry mob p.o.v. at the beginning - to aligning with the put upon aliens by film's end. If they would have shortened/tightened up the first reel, it would have gotten even better marks from me. A smart film about some heavy issues with aliens as metaphor.

 

   G.I. JOE (D)

Well, perhaps this is a generational bias but the new G.I. Joe film seemed very geared toward 10 yr. old boys and unless you were a fan of the more recent incarnations (tiny and without kung fu grip and lifelike hair) and the cartoon show, you will be lost and bored by the extensive roster of characters. They couldn't have missed any, it feels like there was a new one popping up in the story every few seconds. The screenplay must have been written by the toy company's marketing division. Channing Tatum ("Stop Loss") stars as the square jawed, Duke, the all American soldier. He's pretty good at the role he's perfected over several films. Marlon Wayans is in this for supposed comic relief. He should be dishonorably discharged. His watered down, In living color jokes are totally out of place, even in this film geared toward a prepubescent audience. Its full of ridiculous CGI effects and stuff they stole out of the rubbish bin from "Iron Man." I was probably about 1/2 way thru the film before I realized where I had seen this all before. They made the non-parody, serious version of South Park's "Team America" including the destruction of the Eiffel Tower! G.I. Joe...Fuck yeah! hahahaa

 

  Funny People (D) ...for dull, depressing, dreary and dopey

Judd Apatow ("Knocked Up") wrote and directed this film about a famous stand up comedian who discovers he's dying of a rare disease, who attempts to put his life right before his final curtain call. Adam Sandler plays the wildly popular George Simmons, who is funny on stage but a world class jerk off it. As he confronts his mortality, he opts to befriend an up and coming comic played by Seth Rogen ("Pineapple Express") and hires him to be his assistant and part time joke writer. I won't delve into the story beyond mentioning that once he finds out that he might not be dying, he turns back into a wanker. This is one of those circle jerk movies where a small cadre of celebrities get together and think a retelling of their shared, quasi-real life experiences will be entertaining to the public. Its an exercise in egocentric self gratification to think that anyone would really give a shit. The story is depressing and uninspiring despite it's ABC After School Special feel. Rogen just looks like a doofy, grinning idiot throughout and Sandler got talked into this one because he and Apatow were roommates in real life back in the day. Apatow after a handful of funny movies ("Knocked Up, The 40 yr. Old Virgin, Walk Hard") is obviously completely out of material and has no ability to write anything beyond dick jokes. Rogen is a booger eating retard who I wish would just cease to exist, or at least stop being in every fucking movie that comes out. Sandler continues to wander around in this self absorbed, misguided quest to become a real actor and although his performance in "Spanglish" was worthy of praise, he really should just stick to his canteen boy persona and stop torturing the movie going public with his indulgent attempts at stretching as an actor. Also, if Apatow puts his wife and 2 kids in ONE more movie, I'm calling child protective services myself. Obviously, no one else will give them a job. "Funny People" tries to show you the sausage of how comedy gets made and shine a light on the psychological abuse that contributes to the making of a good comedian but this film is just like watching home movies of someone you don't care for. Amateurish and poorly constructed, even the celebrity cameos are fleeting and superfluous. This not only wasn't funny OR dramatic, it was more sad, in a pathetic and unredeeming way.

 

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (B-)

Harry and the gang are back at Hogworts to continue their fight against the dark forces of Lord Voldemort. Seeing as how they are all well into their teens at this point, JK Rowling and the director took it upon themselves to turn up the hormones to high in this one. I guess to compete with the unrequited love of all the teen vampire series that are so popular or just to escalate the storyline from juvenile fiction into teen drama, the new HP film is like a soap opera at times with each of the 3 main characters falling madly, deeply, annoyingly in love with some OTHER character. Its a well constructed film and the CGI /cinematography is in keeping with the outstanding visuals that have come to be synonymous with the franchise. The story was ok, it held your attention well enough around all the 'snogging' (kissing) going on. Its easily 30 min. too long in the middle and the twists are fairly predictable, save the big one toward the end that reveals the half blood prince's identity. Unfortunately, they took a beat from the "Lord of the Rings" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" and made a movie that simply exists to get you to come back for the next installment. This movie doesn't have an ending and is by no means a stand alone film. Its disappointingly, in the last frame, nothing more than a 153 min. movie teaser for "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" parts I AND II  that are already in production for 2010, 2011 release. Its not the best of the series or the worst but a decent film - but ONLY if you've seen all the others.

 

  Bruno (F)

Sacha Baron Cohen returns in a new, flamboyant incarnation of an Austrian Fashion celebrity named Bruno. Cohen attempts to recapture his success with "Borat" but apparently didn't understand what made that movie funny. It wasn't him. It was the reactions and responses he got from the people his over the top character encountered. In this film, Bruno simply runs over the unsuspecting real people and just does one ridiculous and disgusting thing after another. It's all shock value and no substance. It's Jackass with an emphasis on the ASS, as every "joke" revolves around being gay. His 4 funny trailer moments you've seen in the preview, the rest is crap. Here is where Cohen would take the word crap and make a joke about how he loves where crap comes from and then kiss a gerbil with his tongue and wink at the camera. Oh my god! That's soooo funny. He's very fortunate to have escaped Cullman Alabama with his life, seriously. I absolutely loved "Borat" almost as much as I completely hated this skat.

 

 Public Enemies (C)

Johnny Depp plays public enemy #1, John Dillinger - the famous gangster and notorious bank robber from the 1930's. Christian Bale is Melvin Purvis, the FBI's star agent who always gets his man. For all the star power AND a naturally compelling and exciting crime story, this movie is a bit boring actually. Depp doesn't really do much with the character and Bale follows suit. Michael Mann (Miami Vice tv show) wrote, produced and directed "Public Enemies" and took some historical license that certainly didn't improve the story. I remembered Dillinger being much more interesting, so after viewing this film, I went online and watched a 3 part documentary about the real criminal. Infinitely more engrossing and factually, much more daring exploits were carried out by the authentic Dillinger than by Depp's character. I couldn't help but think back to the 1979 film "The Lady in Red" starring Pamela Sue Martin (who played Nancy Drew on the Hardy Boys mysteries) and think, "huh, even that was a better movie." Not only isn't it in the same ballpark as a "Bonnie and Clyde" for example, its not in the adjacent parking to the ballpark. Watch the documentary and skip the lackluster Hollywood version.

 

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (D-)

I wish I could say that there was more here than meets the eye. I thoroughly enjoyed the first film so much, I've seen it a dozen times since it came out. I doubt I will ever view this sequel again. Director Michael Bay just flat out lost his mind. How do you screw up such a likeable franchise?? The first film was about a young man trying to fit in and figure out who he was in this world and his attempts at getting the girl of his dreams. Befriended by his 1st car, who turns out to be a robot alien was the fun hook but fundamentally, it was a story about people. This one is all robots...now that we have the guaranteed box office of a successful sequel, lets make 100 new transformers that are both completely ridiculous and forgettable. LaBeouf and Fox return but they just run through the film as stuff turns into other stuff around them and explosions. Lots and lots of explosions. Megan Fox is completely pimped out in this film, like - don't give her any lines just keep the camera on her ass. As entertaining as that sounds, it's really obvious and creepy. It reminded me of Coco in the movie "Fame." This movie is just empty, loud, LONG and a waste of time but is doubly aggravating because of its potential based on the first one.

 

THE HURT LOCKER (A)

I have been waiting for a very long time and to date, THIS is the best picture about the current Iraq war. It deals with a bomb disposal unit who day in and day out go out side the protection of the green zone to dismantle insurgent explosives meant to kill American soldiers. Crazy? Brave? both? Guys doing their job, and dealing with the enormous pressures of facing death on a daily basis. No Hollywood heroes or over dramatic acting here, and although most of the actors are recognizable, you quickly forget they are anyone but who they are portraying. The viewer rapidly begins to feel the palpable terror these soldiers must suppress as they stay calm, with a steady hand and clear mind and defuse these unpredictable road side ordinances that at any second could result in their certain death. Very well done.  

 

  Year One (C-)

Another extremely disappointing film. This one is loaded with comic geniuses and yet, they come up way short. This movie is about two outcast pals who get sent into the wilderness and discover a whole new world of experiences. I have no problem with them hopscotching across time from caveman to early biblical times to the roman empire, that was fine and contextually, fairly seamless. The problem was just in the humor itself ...or lack there of. Jack Black (Nacho Libre), Michael Cera (Superbad), Oliver Platt (The Three Musketeers), David Cross (Run Ronnie Run), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Role Models), Hank Azaria (Run Fat Boy Run),  written and directed by Harold Ramis (Ghostbusters). And a handful of laughs from THAT cast? This movie really illustrated just how brilliant Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life" or "Life of Bryan" are. This one is more like Mel Brook's "The History of the World: Part I" except not even as funny as that! We can only hope that the bespectacled Harry Potter can salvage this summer's movie fare. 

 

The Taking of PELHAM 123 (C)

Yet another in a seemingly endless line of remakes..."Pelham 123" redoes the 1974 film starring Walter Matthau. Some film trivia about the original - the idea of Mr. Green, Mr. Brown, Mr. Blue that Tarantino made famous in "Reservoir Dogs" was lifted from the first "Pelham" movie. This time John Travolta is the bad guy hijacking the subway and it falls on Denzel Washington to foil the plot. Washington is the subway controller in charge of operations who's unfortunate enough to be on duty when a crowded NY subway gets shanghaied by Travolta and his crew. They want a 10 million dollar ransom to be paid by the Mayor (James Gandolfini -Tony Soprano) or they'll start offing passengers. Like this would ever happen... they make Denzel come all the way down from central operations to deliver the money and drive the train. There's also a ridiculous subplot about the tatted up, ex-con Travolta being a high powered Wall St. stockbroker and another about a possible criminal indictment for Washington stemming from a bribery case but it all comes down to two big stars soaking up 98% of the screen time and not much else. The studios know if they put Denzel and Travolta on the poster - the movie will make $X.X million dollars off of them being in it alone. The original wasn't THAT great a movie and this one's worse. The once talented director Tony Scott ("True Romance, Top Gun, Days of Thunder, Enemy of the State") is rehashing another 70's NYC film classic next in his version of "The Warriors." Only time will tell if they are ready to 'come out and plaaaayeeeaaaa!' If this film is any indication, they aren't.

 

  The Proposal (B)

High powered executive, Sandra Bullock (45) forces her personal assistant, Ryan Reynolds (33) to marry her so she won't be deported back to Canada and lose her lucrative job as a NY Book publisher. In order to save his career and future, he relents and agrees to go along with her scheme although she's a mean and brutal taskmaster in the office. Immigration is on to them pretty quick and in order to maintain the charade, the newlywed couple heads off to Reynolds' hometown of Sitka, Alaska to break the good news to his family. Big city woman falls in love when she gets in the country, I've worked next to you for 3 years and never realized I really loved you this whole time, my old girlfriend see's how emotional I am and tells me to go after you before you get away and the ever popular, I just missed you at the airport but follow you back to NY to propose for real this time. Roll credits. The story is super dooper cliché' like a Mad Libs of Harlequin romance novels and bad romantic comedies. On the other hand, Bullock and Reynolds, albeit with marginal, generationally challenged chemistry, still are entertaining to watch and this movie doesn't suck anywhere near as bad as it should for the story they had the balls to film. I guess this is one of those movies that proves that most guys will watch anything if there's explosions and tits and most girls will, if there's a wedding and some kissing. Hey, at least she stop making "Miss Congeniality" movies, so that's good.

 

LAND of the LOST (C-)

Will Ferrell stars in this send up of the bizarre and quirky Saturday morning kid's show from the 70's made by the geniuses of Sid & Marty Kroft who would bring to life other amazing shows like: H.R. Puffnstuff, the Bugaloos and to a much lesser extent, the Donnie and Marie show. Ferrell is unfortunately backsliding into what other successful SNL alumni have fallen prey to, namely finding a handful of bits that become signature pieces and just wearing them out in everything they do (you look mahvelous). Ferrell manages to work back in his Broadway show tune schtick from "The Producers" and "Elf" and a series of the once funny, off the wall exclamations ala "Great Oden's Ghost~!" I was surprised by film's end to not see him running around in his underwear screaming "I'm on fire!" or making some reference to baby Jesus. He better come up with some new stuff quick. The girl in the pic is utterly forgettable. See, I forgot her already. The ONLY thing worth watching in this lame-ish comedy is the fresh, brilliant, comedy stylings of the one and only, Mr. Danny McBride ("Footfist Way," "Eastbound and Down"). Unfortunately, they try to pigeon hole him in the same white trash, dumbass role he's played before. You can readily see the lines from the script vs. the zingers he ad libs as you watch the movie. The rest of the film is just poorly patched together set pieces to give Ferrell a backdrop for his tired stuff to lean up against. Oh and it's also definitely NOT a kid's movie. Unfortunately, it's not really an adult's movie either. I don't even think dinosaurs would like it.

 

The Hangover (A+)

Fucking Awesome!!! A bunch of guys go to Vegas for a bachelor party...how many times has this movie been made? It's beyond cliche' and although there are some decent films in this genre, most suck bad. "The Hangover" by contrast is hysterical, original, gut busting funny and with one foot in some kind of Kafkaesque reality, you buy every crazy, whacked out thing that happens, no questions asked. The cast is superb and Zach Galifianakis is destine to become a household word if you can believe that. Wow! How often these days does the trailer for the film not show you even a fraction of all the movie's good parts? If you don't think this movie is funny, you seriously need some quiet alone time, out on a mountain top somewhere, peering deep into your own soul to try to figure out what kind of vacuous, barren wasteland of humanity you've become? Even in the company of classic films like "Bachelor Party," "Swingers" and "Very Bad Things" this movie might just be the new Best Vegas film of all time. Even the poster is funny! You gotta see this movie.

 

UP (B-)

"UP" is Pixar's latest animated feature about a very old man who is about to have his home taken from him and be placed in an old age home. He's alone, having lost his one true love - his wife some years before. He made her a deathbed promise to go and live on a remote cliffside overlooking an amazing waterfall in the jungle. It was their childhood dream to follow their favorite adventurer to this remote location and live there forever. The old man spent his rather uneventful life as a balloon salesmen for small children. So he devises a way to keep his promise by attaching a million balloons to his house and just floating away to his waterfall utopia. A pesky boyscout (wilderness explorer) with some weight issues hitches a ride unbeknownst to the old man. This whole part of the story was just excellent. Once they get to the jungle however, it's like it morphs into a whole different and rather stupid movie. The old man actually meets his and his wife's childhood hero adventurer who turns out to be an evil murderer, who has devised a way to allow his minion's of angry dogs that do his bidding to be able to talk. It just seemed really jammed in, like "we need more talking dogs!" than anything integral to the story. It really ruined what could have been a very touching and heartwarming film about people. They had it and then blew it by trying to follow some ridiculous formula for what kid's will like. It was like painting a frito bandito moustache on the mona lisa. The good parts are still worth seeing.

 

 TERMINATOR SALVATION (C)

Music Video Director McG tries to revive the well worn Terminator franchise with this leap into the future, which if you follow the series is actually predating the original film but not in real time just in the context of the storyline because John Conner from the future sends back his own father to save his mothers life thereby insuring he'll be born to send his father back to save his mother's life to ....You see where I'm going here? It's so complex and twisty at this point that it makes "The Matrix" look like remedial reading. It's at least 45 min. too long, all the explosive action is exactly the same thru the whole movie with no crescendo, just blam, blam, blam, from start to finish. Which I'm sure will appeal to the hyper-desensitized target demo of 11-15 yr. old boys but will give everyone else a splitting headache. Bale carries his gravelly voiced persona over from THE Batman and was more entertaining to listen yell at the DP during his infamous dust up. The best part of the movie and why it didn't get a lower rating was about 10 min. from the end, there's an amazing cameo of sorts from Schwarzenegger.  It was cool but also shined a light on the fact that (and I'm speaking of the original not the cartoony sequels here) he WAS, IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE the Terminator ...and what made this movie franchise watchable.

 

  Night At the Museum: 2 (D)

Rough week for sequels. Although considered a kid's movie, I absolutely loved the first NATM movie. It was smart, imaginative, fun and well written. "Night at the Museum:2" has none of that going for it. Larry Daley returns but he's given up his night guard job and become a shamwow type business mogul who upon returning to the museum, finds all his nocturnal buddies are being sent to the Smithsonian for deep storage. Once he arrives there, he encounters a whole new cavalcade of historic figures that come to life. There were rules to the first one, that only apply here and there for this one. Abe Lincoln from the memorial comes to life in this one. Is he in the museum? no. Is he part of the collective effected by the Egyptian tablet? no. So why the hell does he get up and start walking around and talking? They bring in the talented and likeable Amy Adams ("Enchanted") to play Amelia Earhart, as some hokie love interest for Stiller. Doesn't work. It's like they never saw the first one. This dead horse has officially been beaten more than Rhiana at a Brown family picnic.

 

Angels and Demons (C)

Tom Hanks reprises his role of Professor Robert Langdon from the super popular novel turned movie, "The Da Vinci Code." This time, Langdon's symbologist talents are required by the Vatican as the Pope has just died and a secret society known as the Illuminati have taken 4 cardinals hostage and plan on blowing up all of Vatican city. Only the wily Langdon can unravel the mysteries hidden in the landmarks strewn about Rome. This movie is NOT better than its predecessor and not a very good film in general. Instead of the viewer going along for the ride, deciphering the clues as they naturally unfold thru the story, this time Langdon just blurts stuff out like he's reading to you from the novel and everyone just starts running in whatever direction he points. There is a ridiculous subplot about particle acceleration and anti-mater that seems completely out of place and an asinine twist, where Ewan McGregor's character who plays the young priest in charge after the Pope's untimely death, just happens to be a chopper pilot (yeah, that happens) and takes the anti-mater bomb way up into the clouds to explode saving everyone. How convenient. If you're going to write in absurd character elements, why not just make him a bomb expert or a particle physicist ...who just happens to be a priest? I didn't really give anything away there, you'll see. Anyway, it supports what I thought all along, that the book's author, Dan Brown was clever enough to twist up the engaging story already written in the best selling book "Holy Blood, Holy Grail," and rip it off in "The Da Vinci Code" but when left to his own devices, came up short. I thoroughly enjoyed the first film, and was completely aggravated by this one.

 

STAR TREK (A)

J.J. Abrams ("Lost, Alias, Cloverfield, MI III) does it again! He is a consummate story teller in the early Spielberg sense of the word. I was a bit concerned viewing trailers for this film as they seemed uncharacteristically special effects heavy. Not to worry, Abrams knocks it out of the park on this one. This is easily the best Trek film since "Wrath of Khan" and even compares to the original television show of the 60's. Tackling such an institution with a prequel *which I normally despise, is a huge challenge for anyone.

 

Every character is so well known, any attempt to redo can easily fall victim to parody, or falling short by direct comparison or simply just missing the mark completely. The casting for the new "Star Trek" is brilliant, unequalled, and amazingly has taken the roster of the U.S.S. Enterprise and dare I say, improved it! With one glaring exception. What would seem like the most difficult characters to fill are done in spades from Spock to Uhura, Abrams nails every role. The only one that doesn't really do justice to the progenitor is James Tiberius Kirk!!

 

Chris Pine ("Smoking Aces") stars as the young Captain Kirk. His acting is adequate although not quite as braggadocio as the original. I hate to say it but he just doesn't cut it in the looks department. We all forget today looking upon the bloated, comic, senior citizen that is William Shatner but in 1966, he was a stud. Pine by contrast has this odd visage that resembles someone in a G force machine or a burn victim after facial reconstruction. He is the one character that doesn't hit the mark and as the lead, this may be a problem in the long run. The original Spock gets a solid cameo but conflicts over money kept Shatner completely out of the film. He has to be kicking himself hard now in retrospect.

 

I can't say enough about the rest of the cast as they are amazing! I might even say perfect. From Zachary Quinto ("Heroes") as the quintessential Spock, right down to the unlikely Simon Pegg ("Hot Fuzz") as Scotty. You sit thru the whole movie as they get introduced masterfully thru the story going "yes~! awesome!!" Characters aside, Abrams weaves a very good story and doesn't forget that telling a tale is the true essence of film making, even in the sci-fi genre. This franchise has certainly been revived and I personally can't wait for the next half dozen films in the new series. I hope they don't let that hack of a director, Bret Ratner anywhere near the next installment, as he is gifted at screwing up bulletproof sequels. Live Long and Prosper new Star Trek! Highly recommended.

 

 

 

 

GHOSTS of GIRLFRIENDS PAST (D+)

The ever smarmy Matthew McConaughey and former female action star Jennifer Garner/Affleck star in this send up of the classic, "A Christmas Carol" where mean ol' Scrooge is visited by ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. In this case, McConaughey's character, Conner Mead is a fashion photographer playboy whose legendary prowess in the bedroom is only exceeded by his disdain for love and relationships. Ghosts visit him on the eve of his little brother's wedding and walk him thru all his old girlfriends or should I say conquests, as most lasted hours not months or weeks. He reunites with Garner's character, his first true love who sees thru all his bullshit for the lonely, yearning soul he truly is. The only surprise here is that McConaughey actually kept his shirt on for most of the movie, even though that would seem reasonable it being a winter pic but you never can tell about a guy who gets high and plays the bongos in the nude. Yes, this movie is crap. The acting is weak, the story ridiculous and lessons learned are vacuous and cheesy as would be expected by the writers who brought you "Four Christmases." I wonder if they write lame summer themed films too?

 

State of Play (B+)

Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck star as college roommates all grown up. Crowe must have flunked a few grades as in real life he's 8 years Affleck's senior but reality aside, Crowe winds up a D.C. journalist and Affleck a Kennedyesque Congressman. Affleck's character is heading up and investigative committee looking into the potential war crimes committed by a BlackWater type corporation. When his assistant/lover turns up dead, there might be a connection. It's a very good movie about 87.5% way thru and Crowe can really carry a film, especially as the hard nosed, grizzled, old time newspaper reporter who will uncover the truth wherever it takes him. Unfortunately, they toss in an entirely unnecessary twist right at the end that is way obvious and serves no purpose other than an attempt to be tricky. The story (most of it) is good, the acting watchable and the topic ripped from the headlines. Too bad they added one too many ingredients.

 

17 Again (C)

There are what? about a dozen of these midlife crisis adults turned into a high school kid by magic movies. This is just one more and falls somewhere in the middle of the pack. Just about as entertaining as the 1988 "Vice Versa" starring Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage of the Wonder Years but it's certainly no "Big" starring Tom Hanks. Teen girls will ooh and ahh over Zac Efron as they have been Pavlovianly conditioned to do by the evil geniuses at Disney corp. Poor unemployed Mathew Perry ("Friends") plays the transformed adult version. This style of film has become so common place that the director doesn't even attempt to explain the magic part, its handled by a mysterious school janitor...ohhhkay. These stories work only because it is part of the human condition to wonder "what if I could do it all over again?" and to the film makers credit, they don't screw with that convention. On the other hand, how many of us had a high school experience similar to Zac Efron's??? Notice how they hardly ever transform into to the nerdy kid from the A/V club with bad skin and no car.

 

Crank (High Voltage) (D)

Big fan of Jason Statham ("The Transporter") and the lovely Amy Smart ("Varsity Blues") but I hated the first of this series...just "Crank," in which surprisingly enough, Statham's character Chev Chelios ends the film by going splat on the pavement after falling off a skyscraper. At least they didn't make it a freakin pre-quel, I hate those. But they do bring him back to life in the worst sort of daytime soap kind of way. Amy has even a smaller part in this one and just gets trotted out for a quick sex scene...so not a total waste of her time or talents. The rest of the movie is Grand Theft Auto crap come to life. I hope they're making huge money on this franchise because they are so much better actors than this material. Rent one of Statham's Guy Ritchie films and skip this garbage (Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels).

 

Crossing Over (C)

No this isn't the story of some guy from New York who can help you talk to your dead relatives. A fairly heavyweight cast including Harrison Ford, Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd star in this movie about illegal immigration in America. Instead of black folks, you insert Mexicans, Iranians and Koreans and use the same script from "Crash." It's one of those trendy ensemble pieces where all these different story lines run off in separate directions but converge at the end into one neat little fabric of life tapestry. It didn't work in "Babel" and it doesn't work here either. The acting is passable but it's so one sided and preachy and as a personal commentary WRONG in its politics as to be annoying. Poor, poor illegals...they are just the salt of the earth and put upon buy the evil and uncaring U.S. Government. Alice Eve makes her stunning film debut and should certainly gain some notoriety from her role as a struggling actress from Australia but everyone else is just doing their Hollywood political soap box thing thinly veiled as a movie. Ok, here's the movie's official  tagline, you decide: "Every day thousands of people illegally cross our borders... only one thing stands in their way. America."

 

FANBOYS (C-)

Fanboys is a story about a group of high school friends who are now adult-(ish) and struggling to cope with the required level of maturity to function in a grownup world. Because one of them is dying of cancer, they opt for one last road trip to steal an advanced copy of "The Phantom Menace" from Skywalker ranch because their croaking friend won't live long enough to see the premiere. The Star Wars prequel (see above) came out in 1999. How the hell can you have a period piece from just 10 years ago?? They make it seem like 1979. Ok so they're all Star Wars nerds and this is their Holy quest, driving cross county - comedy ensues, including hilarious (sarcasm) cameos by: William Shatner, Seth Rogen, Seth Rogen (not a typo), Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams and Kevin Smith. It just wasn't that funny and the premise was week to start with and never really got any better.

 

Fighting (D)

Did you see Jean Claude Van Damme's "Lion Heart" (1990)?? Well, apparently these guys did too. With the exception of him not having a French accent, or being a real fighter...or actor for that matter, it's the exact same, albeit shittier movie. I would have rather seen JCVD in it again. With the exception of Terrence Howard, who picked up this stinker after he got kicked off the "Iron Man II" sequel for wanting more money, you've never heard or seen any of these people before and I suspect you never will again. The first rule of fight club...oh wait, that's from a GOOD movie.

 

Obsessed (D)

"Obsessed" is in the same vein as "Disclosure" and "Fatal Attraction" but unfortunately a less interesting, poorly acted, BET version. Starring Idris Elba ?? exactly, Beyonce Knowles (not singing) and Ali Larter ("Heroes") as the crazy white girl trying to steal Beyonce's man. Just really amateurish and stilted acting, wholly unbelievable and not sexy at all. Beyonce was also executive producer which means she paid for this out of her singing money, which is a shame because given the right material, she is a decent actress (see: "Cadillac Records"). In this film, she's got such memorable lines as: "I'm-a wipe the floor wit yo skinny ass." All I can say is Snap girlfriend, talk to the hand or Oh no you did-en't Beyonce...or whatever, I don't know.

 

  Phantom Punch (C)

You most likely won't catch this one in theaters but you might see it on the shelf when it gets to DVD. It's a quasi bio pic about Sonny Liston, who was one of the greatest heavyweight boxing champs you've probably never heard of. He took the title from Floyd Patterson in a 1st round knock out in 1962 only to give it up to a brash, up and coming fighter named Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) in 1964. Liston was the Mike Tyson of his era, in and out of trouble with the law and with supposed ties to organized crime. This film is about the Ali rematch in which Liston went down for the count about 2 min. into the fight from a punch that never seemed to connect from Ali. In 1971 after never regaining any boxing notoriety, Liston was found dead in his Las Vegas home from an apparent heroin overdose. The mystery revolves around the fact that Liston was famous for his fear of needles and even refused a lucrative bout in England because it required him to get inoculated for the trip. Robert Townsend ("The Five Heartbeats") directs Ving Rhames ("Con Air") as Liston. I like Ving but this film shows why he's a much better supporting cast than principal in a film. He just didn't have the acting chops to carry a movie by himself and really illustrated how remarkable a piece of work Will Smith's "Ali" was. In this case, the actual history is more interesting than the movie about it.

 

  FAST and FURIOUS (C)

Not to be confused with THE Fast and THE Furious of 2001. Returning from the first movie are Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster and for a second...Michelle Rodriguez. There's a lame cameo of Sung Kang (Tokyo Drift) as well. So while the first and third celebrated cars and racing, this one is about pay back and drug running. There are cars, don't get me wrong but they've (excuse the pun ahead of time) taken a backseat to the characters. Paul Walker, Vin Diesel in a character based film? Uh oh. Yeah, its not very good and much like the 2nd Too Fast, seems much more like an MTV music video than a feature film. Vin was too high and mighty for a while to even contemplate a return to his Dominic Torretto role, but after his rip roarin success in Babylon A.D. and The Pacifier, I guess he reconsidered. May I suggest you, the viewer reconsider watching this film until it hits DVD.

 

 

   OBSERVE AND REPORT (F)

Seth Rogen (Zack and Miri) stars as a mall cop...what a wholly fresh and unique concept. I really wish they'd make more mall cop movies. I was just remarking the other day...you know what is a completely unexplored genre? mall cop films. Well, this one certain gives Paul Blart a run for his money, as it sucks equally as bad. Rogen has been less and less funny exponentially since "Knocked  Up" which at this point puts him well into the negative numbers. He plays this one totally straight and as such is annoying and weird but not funny. Basically this is the story of what would have happened if one of the disturbed kids from Columbine High School grew up and got a wannabe job as a  mall security guard. They were shooting for dark comedy but it doesn't work because that requires subtly and acting skill which are both talents that elude Rogen and his mongoloid brand of yuk yuk humor from jr. high. The very funny and talented Anna Faris ("House Bunny") is also in it but even she can't save this piece of shit. If you think I'm being overly rough, let me just say I would rather watch one of the Deuce Bigelow sequels than sit thru this turd again.

 

 

  I Love You Man (B-)

Paul Rudd ("Role Models") and Jason Segal ("Forgetting Sarah Marshall") star as new friends involved in a bro-mance of sorts. Rudd's character gets engaged and discovers he doesn't have any really good male friends. So as to not have a lop sided wedding party, he embarks on a mission to man up as it were. He meets the wild and crazy Segal and becomes fast friends with his new BFF. Not everyone is as happy about his new buddy and conflicts ensue. It's pretty funny in spots and the two stars are very talented comedicly but some of the gags go a bit too far and even though it wasn't, it has moments when it feels like a chick wrote their interpretation of what they think guys are really like. With 2 other stars it could have been dreadful, as is, it's passably entertaining.

 

  X-Men Origins: Wolverine (B-)

I am a declining fan of the X-Men series as I seem to like them less and less as they go along. I really liked the first one so much and as would be expected, Wolverine was by far the most likeable character. So I was hopeful for a new installment chronicling how he got to be the steel clawed, smart ass superhero we all love. There were glimpses throughout the other films eluding to his 'origins' but not enough to really piece together. Surprisingly enough, those questions about Wolverine's beginnings should have stayed a mystery. The story of what actually happened to him was rather bland and disappointing. It begins like "Highlander" where Wolverine and his brother (Liev Schreiber) go thru history showing the lapse of time through a montage of them fighting in wars throughout the centuries. They never quite explain why they run away from home as children, continue to mature as normal adolescents, reach manhood and then cease to age?? Then at the end there is some ridiculous amnesia twist to make the last 97 min. non existent, which in the big picture, may be for the best after all. This could have been so much better.

 

  Monsters and Aliens (C-)

Here's a really new concept. Take the unused footage from two separate movies, hang it on a convoluted storyline to make it somewhat fit and get to recycle all the crap footage you couldn't use from the first 2 movies that this one is based on. Seth Rogan ("Knocked Up") even finds a way to be annoying when you just hear his voice and don't see his fat, doofy ass.  This movie wasn't even cute...for kids.

 

  12 Rounds (C)

This film stars pro wrestler, John Cena. When I first heard about this film I was a little confused. Cena has made two films to date. Here are the actual plot descriptions for each. You'll see why I was a bit perplexed.

12 Rounds:  Detective Danny Fisher discovers his girlfriend has been kidnapped by an ex-con tied to Fisher's past, and he'll have to successfully complete 12 challenges in order to secure her safe release.

The Marine: A group of diamond thieves on the run kidnap the wife of a recently discharged marine who goes on a chase through the South Carolinian wilderness to retrieve her.

Holy typecasting Batman! He's not only playing the same kinds of roles, he's making the same movie over and over again!!

 

  Knowing (D)

MORMON ALERT!! Wow, I went along for the ride on this one and figured with it staring Nick Cage, it would be a bit quirky but had no idea where we were off to. The first part is very M. Night Shyamalan-esque where a professor's child brings home some strange document retrieved from a time capsule buried at the grade school back in the 50's. As he investigates the writings further, he discovers it's a blueprint for every major disaster through history and into the not too distant future. Unfortunately, where we wind up is telling some not to subtle version of the LDS celestial kingdom prophecy along with the big white tree of life and wispy angel like aliens and and and...it's all right off the temple murals. This movie is to Mormonism what "Battlefield Earth" was to the Scientologists. I hate when they do that!

 

  Killshot (D)

You can read below how very impressed I was with Mickey Rourke's performance in "The Wrestler." Based on this film, I'm glad that he didn't win an Oscar. In Killshot, Rourke plays a native american hit man with pony tail and fluxuating accent that flips back and forth between Jersey and something from F-troop. It goes a bit like this - Hey yo, use guys over dehr... uh, me black eagle, me come from many moons away. It's just horrible. Diane Lane plays the scared wife and spends most of the film in wide eyed fear as the script unfolds around her. It's just really, really bad on so many levels. Skip it for sure.

 

  Race to Witch Mountain (C-)

Another wrestler turned actor, Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson remake..er, re-imagines the 1975 Disney classic, Escape to Witch Mountain. Johnson plays a vegas cabbie who picks up two kids during a UFO convention and heads for the hills. The generic black SUV's are chasing them and some Close Encounter special effects are obviously in their future. Johnson just walks thru this one like all his kid friendly roles. No one else really makes an impression either. Bottom line, as with most of these retreads, go rent the original again if you want to see a good movie. Let me tell you whose in that one: Eddie Albert, Ray Milland, Donald Pleasence and Denver Pyle. All legendary actors.

 

Watchmen (A)

The Watchmen is a film based on a graphic novel about a group of masked crime fighters (not super heroes) who exist in a parallel version of America where Nixon is still President and a pending full scale nuclear war with Russia is eminent. There are a lot of characters in this film and I was concerned that without sufficient development, they would fall prey to the same glossing over that ruined the 3rd X-men movie. If you try to jam too many characters in, especially from a novel, you run the risk of just naming them off and not allowing the audience to know who they are and what their individual motivations might be. "Watchmen" did a very good job of identifying and fleshing out the plethora of masked heroes. The movie is probably a good 25 min. too long in the middle which I assume was required to keep faithful to the book. The 3rd reel however picks up speed and the action is really good. Directed by the same guy who brought you the superb "300," this film doesn't drown you in green screen effects with the possible exception of the 'Dr. Manhattan' character.  The real saving grace for me was 'Rorschach' whose masked face morphs from one psychologically determining ink blot to another. As I said, these are not super heroes...basically just a bunch of people who took it upon themselves to be masked crime fighters for a myriad of personal reasons. As such, they are not the squeaky clean, above reproach lot you usually find donning capes. They are humans and as such, come with a whole bag of insecurities, vices, shortcomings and even some insanity. It's fairly brutal, graphic and bloody but it doesn't seem gratuitous. It also stars two of the hottest women working in film - Carla Gugino ("Sin City") and Malin Akerman ("The Heartbreak Kid") who takes some getting used to as a brunette. Hands down though, the best thing about "Watchmen" is 'Rorschach' who is brilliantly played by recognizable child actor grown up, Jackie Earle Haley who you may recall from such 70's classics as "The Bad News Bears" and "Breaking Away." Talk about a come back! It's a really good movie though and will definitely appeal to the people who like graphic novels, comic books and these kinds of movies.

 

 

Green Street Hooligans 2 (F)

The original "Green Street" was such a brilliant film that I always recommend it to friends and readers, I was understandably hesitant when I heard about a sequel that retained only one subordinate member of the original cast. Where the first film was about an American college kid getting wrapped up in British soccer hooliganism, this second incarnation takes place entirely in the UK prison system. The story is pathetic, like someone who went on a drunken binge to Blockbuster and just grabbed two random old movies off the shelf, watched them and then combined them into a sequel screenplay having almost nothing to do with the original film. For those of you who know your movies, the 2 off the shelf would have been "Victory" starring Sly Stallone and any one of the "Penitentiary" movies starring Leon Issac Kennedy, (the only actor I can recall who took his super model wife's name when they got married and added it to his own. I guess he assumed he was entitled to joint custody of her talent and good looks.)  Anyway avoid this mess of a movie as you would a real gang of teeth kickers coming from the pub.

 

 

The International (C)

I really like Clive Owen ("Children of Men") but he's kinda in a rut when it comes to parts. He's really played this same type of character in like the last half dozen films he's been in to one degree or another. The film tries to make international banking as exciting as espionage but it is rather dull like if you took accountants and deputized them all as secret agents. I thought it was plodding, predictable and a bit tired. It even seemed like Owen got rather bored about half way thru as well. Who can blame him?

 

 

What Doesn't Kill You (B)

Ethan Hawke ("Training Day") and Mark Ruffalo ("In the Cut") star as childhood friends growing up in the hard part of Southie Boston and rising up through the ranks of the local criminals. Although based on a true story and co-written by Boston native and actor Donnie Walhberg, it seems from the get go to be a formula picture. Starts out JUST like "Goodfellas" and then rips off a dozen or so mob and crime films along the way. Hawke turns in a respectable performance as the mouthy, quick tempered criminal type and Ruffalo dances with the crack addict role mostly to show off his dramatic chops but it just never gets any traction as a film and even with a flash back/forward plot device, you know where this is headed about 2 min. in. "The Departed" and "Gone Baby Gone" are far superior films in the same genre.

 

NEW IN TOWN (C-)

Renee Zellweger plays the hard driven, career woman in search of boardroom success who stumbles upon romance in the most unlikely place, the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Harry Connick Jr. is the labor leader of the factory Zellweger is sent to downsize and she falls hook, line and sinker for his flannel shirt charms. She plays the same role you've seen her in twenty times, as does Connick. So what makes this film unique? Absolutely nothing.

 

 

STILL WAITING (F)

As a sequel to "Waiting," which explored the hijinx of what really goes on in the back of a typical franchise restaurant, this subsequent film is just trying to exploit the modicum of success achieved by the first one. A T&A comedy, with out hardly any T or A? An R rated film that says "fudge" and "poop" instead of the more commonly used adult vernacular. This is probably considered porn...in Salt Lake City!!

 

 

PUSH (D)

Dakota Fanning, coming off her controversial roll in "Hounddog," stars as one of a group of young people with special powers being chased by a another group who wishes to control them. "Heroes" meets "Jumper"...nuf said, except it's not as good as either one.

 

 

TAKEN (A-)

Liam Neeson is a retired operative who while off being a super spy, missed his daughter's childhood. Now, he's moved back to be close to her and his estranged wife to try to make up for lost time. When his daughter goes on a trip to Paris and subsequently gets kidnapped by eastern block slave traders, Neeson's character puts his former resume' to good use in tracking her down. Neeson is very good and believable when his passion for retrieving his daughter and his highly developed skill set as an agent provocateur come together. It is NOT as good as the Bourne films, but in the neighborhood.

 

 

FROST/NIXON (B)

Frank Langella reprises his role from the Broadway play and brings 'tricky dick' to a whole new generation. Michael Sheen ("Blood Diamond") does a better than adequate job of portraying British talk show host, David Frost. This Ron Howard film basically puts flesh and bone to a well documented, historical meeting between the two, where the former President admitted his wrong doing and complicity in the Watergate scandal during an interview. It was interesting to see beyond the transcript, the personalities of these two dynamic characters.

 

 

MILK (B)

Sean Penn stars as Harvey Milk, one of the first openly gay elected officials who was gun down by a fellow San Francisco supervisor, played brilliantly by Josh Brolin ("No Country for Old Men.") who I believe is one of the most underrated actors working today. The cast is adequate, the story ...well, I presume historically accurate, but the performances weren't as notable as reported. Oscar does love a gay martyr!

 

 

 

 

PAUL BLART: MALL COP (F)

Box office be damned, this was retarded crap. I really enjoy Kevin James as the King of Queens or the dofus in "Hitch" with Will Smith, but this...this was just dumb. Skateboarding robbers take over a shopping mall and Blart must foil their plans. A fat guy on a segway scooter, the hilarity practically writes itself. This movie seemed like it was written for Jerry Lewis back when he first started being not funny.

 

 

NOTORIOUS (D)

A quasi bio pic about the Notorious B-I-G, it walks you thru the 'how they all got there' stories of today's most popular hip hop 'artists'. Biggie was subsequently gunned down in Vegas after an awards show. Reports at the time, and this film seem to point to the ongoing east coast/ west coast rapper feud. I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure MTV has already taken the glorification of crack dealing, woman beating, no talent, criminal thugs about as far as you can take it. Movies like this should be an inspiration however to suburban white kids everywhere to lay down some mad rhymes and show even more of their underpants, while loitering at the mall with their flat brimmed baseball caps turned askew. Word up. 

 

 

NIGHT TRAIN (C)

LeeLee Sobieski, Steve Zahn and Danny Glover combine for the oddest cast in recent memory. All aboard a train where a mysterious stranger passes away leaving behind a treasure. How the three will divide it and get away with the goods is where this train is headed. It starts out very good, like a modern Agatha Christie but goes off the rails toward the end with a super natural twist that was completely unnecessary. Zahn is quirky, Glover chews scenery and Sobieski oozes Lolita-like sex appeal that makes you forgive her marginal acting. "C" -  for could have been good.

 

 

BRIDE WARS (C-)

Through one whacky mix up after another, BFF's Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson find themselves both getting married on the same day. There can be only one! Let the games begin. As they spend an hour trying to sabotage each other's plans, you are forced to sit there and wait for them to make up and hug and cry so everyone can go home finally. This movie is about as much fun as doing the bunny hop at a real wedding.

 

 

BEDTIME STORIES (C)

Adam Sandler is all over the place these days, trying to keep one foot in the comedy while self promoting himself as a leading man and then back again to the just for kids films. This is the later. A silly Jumangi rip off where his sister's kids make up their own endings to bedtime stories that miraculously come true the next day. As he attempts to manipulate their imagination to his own benefit, (which of course backfires but not to worry), important life lessons will be learned. Doesn't that sound hilarious?!

 

 

  Valkyrie (C)

Tom Cruise plays a German lieutenant who along with a cadre of other high ranking generals and politicians, plans to assassinate Hitler and take over Germany in the midst of WWII. Although based on true events, "Operation Valkyrie" directed by Bryan Singer ("X Men") is like the Teutonic version of the TV show the West Wing. If you take out all the fast walking up and down hallways...this movie is about 8 min. long. Even though it was chocked full of talented dramatic and classically trained Shakespearian actors like: Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Terrance Stamp and Tom Wilkenson, it's not very dramatic or even suspenseful. Cruise's performance is flat and he seems more into the uniform than the role. Singer has a penchant for Nazi themes, having included them in "Apt Pupil" "X Men" etcetera. He may however been trapped between the movie he wanted to make and being loosely faithful to history. Either way, it just doesn't ever really work.

 

  The Wrestler (A+)

There are certain movies that are so real, so brutally gritty, so authentic as to be simultaneously engrossing and disturbing. "The Wrestler" is all that and more. Mickey Rourke stars as Randy the Ram, a washed up, over the hill, professional wrestler. In his heyday he filled stadiums and had his own action figure. Now he lives in  trailer, wrestles in church auditoriums for a pittance and only exists to offer up his pound of flesh to the fans and for the respect of his fellow wrestlers. Rourke is consummate, touching  and sad as the fading star living with one foot in his glory days and the other in the brutal reality of his present life. Marisa Tomei co-stars as an aging stripper also dealing with a lifestyle that maybe worked for her in her 20's that seems surreal and absurd now. They struggle each in their own way but develop an obvious connection. Randy the Ram is only alive in the ring, his heart and soul is provided to him thru the roar of his fans and he is complete only when the ref counts out 1, 2, 3~! This is the best film of the year and each of the stars should be nominated AND win. For those in the film industry who thought that Rourke's better days were behind him just like his character, he just hit you from behind with a folding chair !!

 

 

  The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (C-)

This is the story of a guy who is born an old baby and grows younger and younger over his life, in reverse. Staring Brad Pitt as Benjamin Button the octogenarian infant. The story is loooooooong and you can feel yourself getting older and older as you watch it. The reverse makeup is interesting for about a minute but seems rather gimmicky in spots like that's all there is sometimes. It was no surprise that the screenplay was written by the same guy who wrote "Forest Gump" as in many ways, its the same or lesser movie. Instead of "life is like a box of chocolates" we have devolved to "ya never know what's coming." Then they rip off "Titanic" telling the story thru flashbacks of an old lady on her death bed. From the jump, it just seemed like a 'lets write a movie to win an Oscar' movie, than a good film. The whole time I watched it, which is a long time (159 min.), I just kept hearing "Submitted for your Consideration" in the back of my head. I hate being manipulated like that, but I'm guessing the academy will still fall prey to this plot.

 

 

Yes Man (C-)

Jim Carrey co-stars with Zooey Deshannel ("Elf") as a guy trapped in his own negativity who after attending a positive outlook seminar, is forced to say YES to everything that comes his way. A cute premise albeit an obvious rehashing of Carrey's earlier work in "Liar, Liar." Come to think of it, everything in this movie is a rip off of some other Carrey film. The gags start out funny but soon, it becomes obviously redundant, like when a rapper samples a remake of a remake and doesn't even realize it's not the original song. Carrey was doing so well there for a second too. I really enjoyed his performance in "The Number 23", although it did less than stellar box office. When in doubt, go back to "Dumb and Dumbererer" I guess.

 

 

  Slumdog Millionaire (F)

Best movie of the year my ass! This movie is unwatchable. How's that for a review?

 

 

   Hamlet 2 (B+)

Yes, that's right, "Hamlet 2" the sequel.  A manic, crazy, no talent, washed up actor who now teaches a drama class to chollo gang bangers in a Tucson high school, puts on a production of his own creative work, Hamlet 2 in order to save the school's failing drama program. Not everything works in this send up comedy but when it does, it's wacky, irreverent and down right funny. Some notable cameos lend their talents to this dramedy about Hamlet going back in a time machine and meeting Jesus. The musical number, Rock Me Sexy Jesus will give you a glimpse into the tone and dark nature of this comedic farce. Don't expect to much or take it to seriously and you'll be pleasantly amused.

 

 

  In the Electric Mist (B)

I'm surprised this film didn't get 11 nominations from the Golden Globes because no one has seen or heard of this film either. Which is actually unfortunate, it's a pretty good movie. Horrible title that has almost nothing to do with the film and a really stupidly done subtext about civil war general's ghosts but other than that, a good bayou thriller. Maybe putting Tommy Lee Jones' mug with such prominence on the poster isn't the greatest marketing idea either...he's not exactly Brad Pitt. Ok, back to the movie. Jones is a Louisiana cop who witnessed the killing of a black prisoner when he was just a teen, only to discover the remains of that victim in the twilight of his career. Mixed in is a story about a movie being shot on location in the swamp and John Goodman plays a pimpish, nawlins gangster who may be connected to a string of current murders. The Cajun backdrop is always an inviting environment for some mystery and Jones, Goodman and cast are very good and the story is decent, when not trying to overcomplicate itself. This is a good rental, which is fortunate because its in theater screen time will be fleeting.

 

 

  Religulous (B-)

Bill Maher tackles one of his favorite topics...organized world religion. Raised as a Catholic with one Jewish parent gave him a unique perspective on 2 of the oldest religions in Christendom. Maher opted to reject them both and takes exception to supposedly enlightened people believing in the fairy tales of religion. He makes no distinction, to his credit, among any of the faiths, equally questioning: Christianity, Judaism, Muslims, Mormons, Scientologists and more. Maher doesn't go on a witch hunt here, he allows the people he speaks to equal time or better to express their views and asks legitimate questions. It is both educational and entertaining to see how different people of different faiths react to having their belief system challenged. This is not a hatchet job done by an atheist but a legitimate examination of faith, understanding, and what a belief in a higher power does for someone, regardless of the name. I thought it was interesting. If you're touchy about the topic, then you'll get defensive and shut down about 8 seconds into this movie.

 

 

   Seven Pounds (A-)

Will Smith returns to his more dramatic chops and sheds his blockbuster movie star role in favor of a more emotional and personal story. Smith is an IRS agent who instead of bringing bad news of an impending audit or unpaid taxes, selects very deserving people and provides them what they each need most in their lives. Thru juxtaposed editing flashing back to glimpses of Smith's character's own life, his motivation for all this altruism begins to formulate for the viewer. I have heard that the ending was a 'big surprise' for some, but really, if you are watching carefully, it is pretty obvious fairly quickly. Rosario Dawson and Woody Harrelson co-star as struggling people in need. With all its good intentions, this is a rather depressing film and in no way is it the feel good hit of the Christmas season. Smith jumps into the meatier role and shows his true range as an actor that he only gets to touch briefly on when fighting aliens or drug dealers. "Seven Pounds" is much more reminiscent of his early performance in "Six Degrees of Separation" with Stockard Channing and Donald Sutherland.  A very well acted, superbly crafted and visually engaging film...but you better be in a good mood when you go to the theater or you'll be calling a hotline to talk you off the roof after you see it.

 

 

Gran Torino (A)

Clint Eastwood stars as a Korean War veteran living in a Detroit neighborhood being overtaken by Asians. At first his craggy demeanor sends a clear signal to his new neighbors that he's not to be trifled with, but over time, he softens up and comes to see the good in them. As he befriends the two teenagers living next door, he observes how different the world has become and how troubling it can be for young people. The young man, who he takes under his wing, is beset upon by local gang members and when Clint intervenes on his behalf, things escalate to lethal proportions. This was a very good film and well done by Eastwood in the sense that it is a definite throw back to his "Dirty Harry" roots in terms of persona but also incorporates a new deepness of character that eclipses the one-dimensional brashness of a Harry Callahan. Eastwood has found a story and a way to be a bad ass and still act his age *(unlike some other people - Stallone this means you). A very touching movie and a perfect showcase for Eastwood.

 

 

The Day the Earth Stood Still (D)

A remake of the brilliant 1951 classic, this one is horribly miscast from top to bottom starting with Keanu Reeves as Klaatu, an alien who comes to Earth to either destroy or save our planet. Where as the first film was a commentary on the dangers of nuclear annihilation in a new atomic age, this one tries for an update using global warming as the reason for our potential demise. Reeves' wooden acting style you would think would be a natural fit for an alien creature taking on a human form but it just comes off as stilted, boring and flat. Poor Jennifer Connelly ("House of Sand and Fog") gets jammed into this film as a scientist who helps Klaatu escape the clutches of the U.S. Military. Where in the original film, a small boy acts to guide Klaatu thru our world and introduce him to the humanity that exists within our society, this time Jaden Smith, Will Smith's little kid, plays the boy. What a little asshole!! I was hoping the giant robot was gonna zap him with a laser about 2 seconds into the movie. The saddest part is that it didn't really seem like he was acting. Just a horrible, weak story with lame special effects and bleak acting. A complete and utter waste of time, money and film stock. Klaatu barada nikto!
 

 

Four Christmases (B-)

Vince Vaughn and always delightful Reese Witherspoon take their shot at a holiday chucklefest with mixed results. The two play a yuppie couple who loathe the whole family/holiday thing and make excuses every year for their absence, opting instead to jet down to the Caribbean for some sun and fun. This year, all planes are grounded and they are forced to make appearances at their respective relatives homes. Each has a laundry list of dysfunctional ilk who place them in a myriad of humorous circumstances only to finally come to the realization that everyone's family is screwed up and they love each other in spite of it all. Very formulaic, with comedy ranging from low, low brow slapstick to ...well, mostly that. Vaughn and Witherspoon are just such good actors that it makes this watchable but far from great. It's way better than "Fred Claus" but its like the Christmas fruit cake of movies, old, stale and passed around. I don't think "It's a Wonderful Life" has anything to worry about....neither does "Jingle All the Way" for that matter.

 

 

Transporter 3 (C)

I'm going to make this short and sweet. I dig Jason Statham and like most things he's in. I loved the first Transporter movie. I thought the second one was the director Luc Besson making fun of us as the French are prone to do. This one is just a trickle of the leftovers of the first two. They took part of the "Hit Man" script, tossed in this stupid hook about if the driver gets too far from his car, he'll explode and mixed it with a bunch of low budget, chop sokie, fake fighting. They could all do a lot better but hey, most movies with the number 3 in the title are crap, so why should they be any different. Nuff said.

 

 

Bolt (A-)

Wow! This movie really surprised me. It was very well written and animated and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Bolt is a dog, who stars in an action TV show, a kind of Alias meets rin tin tin. Along with his trusty girl owner/sidekick, they thwart evil doers with exciting adventures. Poor Bolt however is kept in complete secrecy from the real world in order to maintain the illusion of the tv show and keep him in the acting moment as it were. He breaks out of his studio confines to save his master who he thinks is in jeopardy only to discover that his super powers and doggie 007 skills don't really work when the cameras aren't on. Undaunted, Bolt stays on mission enlisting the aid of a down and out alley cat and an overweight, gerbil/hamster/something who lives in a plastic ball terrarium. This is a great kids film but entertaining all around. I liked it very much, it had the same feel to it as "The Incredibles."

 

 

Zack and Miri make a Porno (C)

Huge fan of the stars, the co-stars and the writer/director Kevin Smith. Zack and Miri are life long friends who find themselves in desperate financial straights and come upon the idea of making a porn to pay the bills. This was the sum of its individual parts however, blending "Knocked Up" and 'Clerks" which didn't work quite as well as the whole chocolate-peanut butter thing did for the Reeses people. I officially don't like Seth Rogen anymore, he's becoming very annoying and not very funny for a fat Canadian. I do however like Elizabeth Banks ("Role Models") quite a bit and if it wasn't for her charming beauty, this would have been a disaster. The remainder of the cast is a hodge podge of Kevin Smith central casting like Jason Mewes ( Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame )from Clerks and Apatow regular, Craig Robinson (the door man in Knocked Up). One surprise was the soft pedal on the porn, even with real life porn legend and sometimes cross over mainstreamer, Traci Lords ("Talk Dirty to Me - part IV"). It could with a couple of snips, easily get to a PG-13 rating. Seemed more insecure and apologetic than the usually irreverent style Smith is known for.

 

 

The House Bunny (B)

Anna Faris ("Just Friends") stars as an aging Playboy bunny whose lived most of her life at the mansion hoping to one day be a centerfold instead of a featured model. When she's evicted for being over the hill, she finds shelter and a purpose acting as house mother for some truly unfortunate sorority girls who have no idea how to be sociable. Faris brings her doe-eyed innocence to the role and has a flair for comedy much like a modern day Monroe. The rest is a classic Pygmalion, transformative tale about emerging butterflies from ugly moths, blah, blah, blah. Its sweet, cute and fluffy like pink cotton candy and quite like Faris herself. Very much in the same vein as a "Legally Blonde" film.

 

 

Quantum of Solace (B-)

"Quantum of Solace" is the latest 007 film staring the new James Bond, Daniel Craig. As fans of this site will remember, I am a huge Bond fan with Connery as my numero uno all time. I was unplused with the last "new" bond movie and with Craig as the lead. Absolutely nothing has changed in this one, so if you hated the first one as I did, you will dislike this one as well. In turn, if you enjoyed the unbondy bond, much like new coke, then you will again enjoy your time in the theater. You may ask why I gave this film a B-, if I didn't really care for it? 2 words, Olga Kurylenko. Ironically, she's been taking heat from some for being a little too stiff for a bond girl. It must have rubbed off from craig's cranky pants attitude throughout the film. He is so limited in his range that bedding a beautiful woman, crashing a car off a bridge or fighting for his life all garner the same expression...or lack thereof. "Quantum" doesn't take any chances and literally almost goes shot for shot with the first film right from the opening scene, just changing the characters and backdrops. Craig is not cool or suave enough to be bond, sorry and sticking him in a Ford isn't helping matters either. Did I mention Olga Kurylenko was in it? Bland...james bland :P

 

 

  Role Models (A-)

Paul Rudd ("Knocked Up") and Seann William Scott ("American Pie") team up as reps for Minotaur energy drink, who drive from grade school to grade school encouraging kids to stay off drugs and to drink Minotaur instead. If that wasn't funny enough, after Rudd has a meltdown upon realizing his life is going nowhere fast, they get into some trouble with the law and are required to do community service to avoid going to jail. They are commissioned by the court to mentor some troubled youths in a big brotheresque program called sturdy wings. Obviously these are not the guys you'd want watching your kids but the two they get seem just punishment in lieu of hard time. One is a dungeons and dragons super nerd played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse ("McLovin") and the other, the foulest mouthed 12 yr. old on the planet, Bobbe' J. Thompson ("The Tracy Morgan Show"). Aside from everyone in this film having oddly spelled names, it is very, very funny. The writing is good but it is really more of a character piece as Rudd is finally getting the spotlight he deserves to showcase his comedic talents. This film is exactly what it looks like but so well done as to be hilarious and not just here and there but throughout. Rudd's diatribe in Starbucks is worth the price of admission alone.

 

 

  Sex Drive (B-)

This is a cookie cutter, teen sex comedy right out of the National Lampoon school. Absolutely nothing here we haven't seen a bunch of times before and in some cases, done much better but at film's end, still pretty funny. A young loser virgin decides to travel cross country to meet a sure-thing he hooked up with online...hijinx ensue. The movie does have a bad ass Pontiac GTO ram air in it and the girls are sufficiently sexy. Some of the bits and gags are generic and cliché but well executed. By far, my favorite part is Seth Green's role as Ezekiel, the Amish good Samaritan. Probably a better DVD rental than a must see at the theater.

 

 

  Soul Men (C+)

There were 'souls' shuffling off this mortal coil faster than Michael Flatley (the Lord of the Dance) with his shoes on fire. This was both Bernie Mac AND Isaac Hayes' last film before they died. Samuel L. Jackson is lucky to be alive~! The story is that of 2 R&B performers called up to attend the funeral (whoa irony alert) of the group's third member who went on to become a solo superstar. The vh-1 sponsored tribute drags these two disagreeable old men cross country to perform once last time for their deceased compadre. It doesn't take long for all the old bad blood to start boiling. Jackson and Mac are well seasoned, highly experienced actors with legions of good films to their combined credits. This one is pretty lame by comparison. Not very funny and what comedy there is, is of a BET, "Fridays" nature. I don't think it's the performance Mac would have chosen for his epitaph but Jackson does a better than adequate job of holding the film together. It's just aaaight.

 

 

  How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (C-)

Simon Pegg ("Shaun of the Dead") stars as a celebrity gossip columnist from England who gets a dream job for a big NYC publication. He struggles with selling his soul and compromising his journalistic integrity in order to advance his career. Along the way, he gets mentored by his co-worker played by Kirsten Dunst ("Spiderman"), who he ultimately falls for. Pegg is a brilliant British comedic actor who has struggled finding a foothold in American film. This movie was vapid, unfunny, very long and a waste of Pegg's natural talent. This one took the title to heart when it came to the audience.

 

 

  Pride and Glory  (B-)

P & G is the tale of a family of cops who become embroiled in a turbulent situation after several fellow officers are shot dead in what looks like an ambush. With an all star cast including: Edward Norton, Colin Farrell and Jon Voigt, the movie is well crafted and acted but the story is old, tired and transparent. Good acting makes it watchable but you know where things are headed very early on and you're stuck waiting for the movie to catch up to where you are. With lesser actors this would have been a bad movie, with a better story it could have been really good. As it stands, its fair. Spoiler alert: the semi self sacrificing end that Farrell's character chooses is ridiculous and an obvious writer's stunt and failed attempt at a twist.

 

Appaloosa (B)

"Appaloosa" is a throwback western re-teaming Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen who starred in "A History of Violence." They are brilliant actors and this is a passable western, holding fast to traditional conventions ...the saloon, the evil land baron, the school marm love interest. What makes this film good is the believability of Harris and Mortensen. Harris also directed this and you could tell that the boys had a good time playing cowboys. Renee Zellweger was the 'girl' and also the weakest casting in the film. A good shoot'em up western that doesn't stray too far from the o.k. corral.

 

 

Miracle at St. Anna's (D)

Spike Lee got in a fight with Clint Eastwood about making WW II pictures because Dirty Harry neglected to sufficiently represent the brothers in his war films. Eastwood dismissed his criticism as absurd and groundless, so Lee fired back with "Miracle at St. Anna's." Now everyone knows that Lee is a world class reverse racist but what you may have not been aware of was that he doesn't have a very high opinion of black people from the 'greatest generation' either. As you would expect, Spike has every white soldier in the film having just fallen off the Dixie turnip truck fresh from a Klan meeting but what shocked me was that he represents the black soldiers with the worst kind of stereotypes from that era. Step and Fetch'it characterizations of minstrel show negroes tromping thru Europe like the road company of Uncle Tom's Cabin. Wheez almost to Jermany ain't we sarge? Gosh almighty, my rifle sho' is heavy. Oh my god! Spike Lee hates everyone! The story is strange and makes some pathetic try at tying itself to modernity but it just doesn't work all the way around. That's one for Clint...you got schooled.

 

 

W. (D)

Oliver Stone ("JFK") tackles a quasi-bio pic about George W. Bush and his life and times leading up to and including his role as President. Stone, part time brilliant auteur, part time total nut job, unfortunately leans toward the latter in this film. Too soon perhaps to adequately address this topic. "W." seems very thrown together, much more like a made-for-TV movie than a major theatrical release. It never really gets a handle on what it wants to be. Some times a scathing indictment, some times comedic farce. In that respect, I guess it is genuine at least in its emotion. Kinda of like watching the real Bush give a speech. You are never really sure whether you should laugh, cry or be mad. The very talented Josh Brolin ("No Country for Old Men") stars as W. He really morphs into the character and does the role justice. If he didn't work, the film would have been a disaster, well a bigger disaster. I'm most upset by the missed opportunity to use film to speak to one of history's most controversial figures without all the revisionist history and political leanings. I saw JFK in the theater, I rented JFK, I own a copy of JFK and let me tell you sir, you are NO JFK.

 

Max Payne (C-)

Max Payne is the new Wahlberg action film about a cop whose wife and family were killed and now he's some walking dead, soulless, rogue going after bad guys with nothing to lose. This is exactly what you worry about when a film is "based on a video game." No real story, cardboard cutout acting, lots of noise and shooting just for the sake of visual stimuli. I like Wahlberg and even more so when he's keeping true to his guy from the neighborhood tough guy persona. He just showed up for this one though. He was much better talking to animals at the petting zoo. Say hello to your mother for me, okay.

 

 

 

  Eagle Eye (D)

Shia LaBeouf stars as a young man whose life gets turned upside down after receiving a mysterious phone call from someone who appears to be in control of everything around him.  LaBeouf, the lesser of two twins, who seems lost and struggling in life, gets thrust into a complicated plot to overthrow the government. Co-starring Michelle Monaghan ("Mission Impossible 3"), the two become puppets of the voice on the phone who seems to be able to manipulate all technology everywhere: security cameras, stop lights, automated equipment, scrolling billboards and of course, cell phones. A commentary of the big brother aspects of governmental eavesdropping? A cautionary tale against over zealous national security measures? Nope, a lame ass "War Games" meets "2001: A Space Odyssey" with one lousy super computer as the evil menace hell-bent of bringing down the U.S. Yup. I really like LaBeouf but after the last Indian Jones and now this, he's bordering on 2 strikes and has completely evaporated any praise from his performance in "Transformers." This is one of the stupidest, most convoluted, ludicrous and half cocked tech menace films ever. The computer has the duo running all over the country on some bizarre scavenger hunt from hell, when according to the story, its mastery of technology could have just had most of what it wanted delivered by FedEx. It's just dumb and you figure that fact out rather quickly. It doesn't take an eagle eye to see the absurdity in this film. Good thing you can kill it by poking it in the eye.

 

  Ghost Town (B+)

The brilliantly funny Ricky Gervais ("Extras") is a less than sociable, dentist who finds himself able to see and hear the undead spirits of New York City after a brush with death of his own. He's not crazy about living people, so he certainly isn't excited about all these other entities clamoring for his attention. The story isn't very original ("The Sixth Sense, Just Like Heaven, etc") but it all comes down to 2 things. Gervais is hilarious and his co-star, Tea Leoni is so likeable and is winding up one of the best comic straight women since the 40's ("Fun with Dick and Jane"). Gervais' slow burn style of comic angst is worth the price of admission alone. It's a cute, funny, light comedy that's worth a chuckle.

 

Burn After Reading (D)

"Burn After Reading" should have been what they did with the script. Instead, this self indulgent, lets put heavy hitting, star power celebrities in a small film and see how great that would be - movie falls on its face right out of the gate. The Cohen Bros. took the cast of "Oceans 13" and tried to recapture their previous success with a "Fargo"esque project. It was obvious the likes of Clooney and Pitt were more interested in playing dress up than making a good movie. Just avoid this at all costs.

 

Lakeview Terrace (D)

Lakeview Terrace is a tired, transparent and poorly acted film that seemed like Showtime Porn without all the boob jobs and well placed elbows. A spike lee style take on the evil neighbor cop genre puts Samuel L. Jackson in the middle of a dispute with his new, mixed race neighbors. The strict, hardnosed Jackson is portrayed as a pretty good cop when he's out on the streets but as soon as he gets home, it appears he has no compunction in bending or breaking the law to get his way. The newlywed neighbors try to make nice but Jackson is bound and determined to take any steps necessary to see them move. The acting was crap, the story weak and the rest so stereotypical as to be boring. Cops are dicks. Who knew?

 

The Rocker (B-)

I must admit, my expectations for this film were extremely low...somewhere around Andy Samberg's "Hot Rod." Rainn Wilson (the Office U.S. version) stars as a rock drummer who gets kicked out of his band at the precipice of their fame only to spend the next 20 years living in regret, anger and disappointment. All that changes when his fat, dorky cousin's garage band gets a gig playing the high school prom. They lose their drummer and the only person left to save the day is "Fish" his weird, cranky uncle who lives in the attic (Rainn). Once back behind the kit, Fish rekindles his love of rock and roll and gets to live his tour bus fantasy as the group gains notoriety on You Tube and scores a record deal. This film is called the Rocker, not the shocker, so it was no real surprise when at the end, they are asked to open for Vesuvius, Fish's former band. This movie reminded me a lot of "Old School" and has some pretty funny moments. Much better than you'd expect but nothing you can't wait for DVD to check out.

 

Righteous Kill (C)

Screen legends Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino team up as NYPD detectives on the hunt for a serial killer who's doing away with all the scumbags they are investigating. The killer leaves a little poem at each crime scene but not much else in the way of clues.  The studios originally tried to advertise this as a first time pairing of the Hollywood heavyweights but I assume were quickly corrected and reminded of Michael Mann's "Heat." In this movie, DeNiro makes his classic DeNiro face thru the whole movie...you know the one :( and thankfully, Pacino keeps his "hooo ahhh's" to a minimum. The beautiful Carla Gugino ("Sin City") is pathetically cast as a sado-masochistic love interest of DeNiro, almost 30 years her senior. To be honest, the supporting cast of John Leguizamo and Donnie Wahlberg turn in stronger performances than the top billed, dream team. What's even worse is the telegraphed 'twist' the writer tries miserably to pull off with no success at all. If you don't see this one coming not even half way into the movie, please get screened for glaucoma. You can't help but wait for it to take off but this movie just taxis down the runway perpetually and never gains any altitude. Righteous Kill is a better title than Actor's Studio CSI - I guess.

 

  Bangkok Dangerous (C)

Nicholas Cage stars as a lone assassin whose latest assignment takes him to the exotic city of Bangkok, Thailand. At first, Cage's character leads a solitary lifestyle not connecting with anyone to keep his edge and at least an arm's length from society in general. Inexplicably, he begins to open up and falls for a local, deaf, girl pharmacist and starts to mentor a street hustler to be his protégé'. After his employer tries to double cross him and take him out, Cage's character unleashes all his killing skills on the crime syndicate determined to eliminate him. If you are thinking to yourself, this is the storyline of a dozen other films, you are absolutely correct. Not a single new twist here with the possible exception of the manically depressive, overly contemplative ending. Also, much like Tom Hanks in "The Da Vinci Code," Cage attempts to pull off the wild, unkept lengthy locks of youth with ridiculous results. Get a hair cut you 50 year old hippie!!  Bangkok dangerous...movie boring.

 

The Foot Fist Way (A-)

This movie won't be easy to find but I am predicting that it will be a DVD cult hit! Danny R. McBride ("The Heartbreak Kid") is gut busting, hilarious as a strip mall, Tae Kwon Do instructor. His over the top, macho and perverse interpretation of the martial arts bushido code is so real, its funny. Everyone knows someone like this, especially if you live in a small town. It was shot in under 20 days for a very modest budget and using mostly kids for the cast but this film proves that you don't need a super star headliner or a gazillion dollar budget to make a very entertaining movie. McBride plays Fred Simmons, the school's black belt instructor who spends his day intimidating grade schoolers and showing off his somewhat marginal karate moves. It's only when circumstances compel him to fight a duel against his hero, the world famous, Chuck 'the Truck' Wallace in a no-holds-barred, battle royale, that Simmons will find out what he's really made of. After seeing this movie, you'll never again be able to cruise by a karate school with a window full of trophies without laughing your ass off.

 

  Babylon A.D. (D-)

This movie should have been called Babylon WTF? Vin Diesel (The Pacifier) stars as some mercenary / bad ass, who is responsible for shipping a young girl and her aid to New York from a secluded Monastery. This futuristic, post apocalyptic, piece of crap tries to tie "Blade Runner" together with the human genome project and the story of the Virgin Mary. The international cast is low budget and for the most part, weird. It reminded me of "Run Lola Run" meets "Children of Men." Diesel is going thru that phase that all action stars eventually encounter. He's trying to be an "Ack-Tor" in the James Lipton sense of the word. He dropped some serious lbs. and even fake tatted up, he doesn't look buff at all anymore. That causes the audience to suffer thru this period of growing pains as he attempts to transition from action star to thespian. I was lost about 2 min. into it and the best I could figure by films end was..."What the fuck??"

 

  Traitor (C-)

"Traitor" is the story of a Muslim American, who is working with Arab terrorists to carry out suicide bombings all over the world. Don Cheadle stars as Samir, the center of the story whose upbringing and devotion to his faith bring in to question whose side is he really on? The story is ambitious and the cast superb, including Guy Pierce (L.A. Confidential) and Jeff Daniels (Dumb and Dumber). Cheadle has proved time and again that his the Sidney Poitier of his generation and one of the finest actors working. "Traitor" however is a project that squanders his vast talent. The film attempts to show the other side of the global conflict but stops short of supporting the terrorist cause. This tip toeing back and forth across ideologies weakens the story and loses the viewer quickly. The transparent intrigue that has been compared to "The Bourne" series is strictly to conjure up some box office revenue for this very slow, wandering film. There is not one bad actor in this film, so the problem must lie with the movie itself. It was brave to attempt what it was shooting for but unfortunately, the emotion just falls off the page. This probably read much better than it came off on the screen.

 

  Death Race (B-)

Jason Statham ("Crank"), Tyrese Gibson and Joan Allen star in a remake of the camp classic "Death Race 2000" from way back in 1975. The original starred David Carradine (Kung Fu) and Sylvester Stallone~!! In the modern version, Statham is framed for his wife's killing and sent to the big house where the new national sport is something called death race. The inmates race souped up cars strapped with thick, metal shields and weapons and the winner of 5 races gets out of jail. Allen plays the warden who acts as a puppet master manipulating the outcome of the races to drive up the pay-per-view box office. Tyrese plays Machine Gun Joe - Frankenstein's (Statham) arch nemesis. Where the 1st movie was a send up of escalating societal violence, this film is just about blowing stuff up. It's well done, the effects are good and the acting, what there is of it, is passable but it's just a movie to watch for watching sake. Although the 1975 version has all the production value of a low budget porn, it was in some ways more engaging. The new version is straight up pop corn and explosions, nothing more...and nothing less either.

 

Check out the trailer for Death Race 2000:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZLYEbkykCI&feature=related

 

  Tropic Thunder (A)

Starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and the super popular Robert Downey Jr, "Tropic Thunder" is the story of a band of stereotypical, Hollywood type actors cast in an epic "Apocalypse Now" style feature film. Each actor has a lot riding on the success of this movie but things go bad in a hurry after the director blows himself up. The squad of actors now find themselves in "the shit" for real and going up against the local rebel guerrillas with nothing more than prop rifles and their ability to emote. Jack Black plays the, well...robert downey jr. from like 4 years ago role. He's been in and out of rehab and still not quite off the junk. Stiller is a former action star who's career suffered after trying to expand his range as an actor by starring in a role about a retarded boy. Downey, coming off the white hot "Iron Man" steals the show as an Australian actor who slaps on black face and plays an African American soldier. This is a very risky role if you don't want Al Sharpton calling for your head. Downey pulls it off so masterfully that if they gave out Oscar's for films like this, he should get one. Every single thing he does and says is fall on the floor funny. What really makes this film work, is that no matter how ridiculous the circumstance within the film, all the actors play it straight with no hint that they aren't taking it all very seriously. The resulting effect is the film equivalent of when someone slips and falls on the ice and gets up mad at you for laughing, which only makes you laugh harder. Just a funny, funny movie.

 

  Pineapple Express (C-)

"Pineapple Express" follows the exploits of 2 stoners on the run from a murderous drug dealer and some crooked cops. This film is like when you hear a really funny joke for the millionth time. I am very sorry to say that I believe the Judd Apatow, Seth Rogen comedy gravy train has run out of fresh material after less than a year churning out projects. The creative genius behind "Knocked Up" and to a lesser extent "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" has emptied the waste bin of his good ideas and what we are left with is "Pineapple Express." It's 2 hours of 'getting high' jokes, which was fine for Cheech and Chong in 1979, but seems sorta lame today. If you have seen the trailer for this film, you have seen every funny moment they had to offer. I will say that Rogen loses his appeal playing the straight man and James Franco ("Spiderman") was very good as the stoned dealer, probably his best performance to date. Go high off your ass or don't go at all to see this. But then again, if you're that wasted, "Mama Mia" is probably hilarious too.

 

  Step Brothers (D-)

You know those really funny blooper reels they put at the end of films or on the DVD's special features where Ferrell and Reilly just riff and toss out one gut busting funny line after another improvising all the way to funny town? There is a reason that stuff never makes it into the actual movie. If it did, it would be "Step Brothers." This is the quintessential illustration of too much of a good thing. The comedic chemistry these two have as demonstrated in films like "Talladega Nights" quickly becomes overbearing, self indulgent and like a shouting match between 2 retarded 8 year olds in the back seat of your car while you're trying to drive. I actually walked out of the 1st screening I saw and then forced myself to go back and watch it AGAIN to make sure it was as bad as I thought. It was.

 

The Dark Knight (C)

Batman...er, according to the film, now to be referred to as "THE batman" because a bunch of comic nerds complained apparently, anyway Batman is back this time fighting the Joker. The much anticipated, highly acclaimed and long awaited return to the franchise left me flat. Way too much hype for the film they have and excuse me, give Heath Ledger an Academy Award for most drama off set by a deceased actor with a limited resume' but don't nominate him for this! Let's face it, no one would have even considered him had he not died, so don't pimp the guy out now to boost your box office. Back to the film...choppy, uneven and although full of explosions, kind of boring. Ledger is the lead singer of "The Cure" and Batman now sounds like Brenda Vacarro gargling with battery acid for some reason. Many contradictions in the script and the new realism serves to diminish the 'super' in super hero more than anything else. Wait for the DVD, nothing special here at all.

 

 

 

 

  Hancock (B-)

Will Smith is a reluctant super hero in "Hancock" also starring the ever placid Jason Bateman and Charleze Theron. They had a really good concept here of a down and out, wino with super powers and not a super attitude, and then... they blew it. About 1/2 way thru, they throw in the dumbest twist you've ever heard of basically to fold Theron into the script. I doubt she was there in the original treatment. Watch the first half of the movie and then leave, and make up your own ending.  Smith is still pretty good at almost everything he does, so kudos to him.

 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (B)

Indy is back, sorta. I have to admit that from a strictly physical perspective, Harrison Ford seems to still be able to hold his own. It's the swagger that has dimmed over all these years. This is not the best of the series nor is it the worst but after all this time, I must admit I was expecting a little more. In this film, Indiana substitutes the Commies for the Nazis as we have moved into the 1950's within the storyline. Now the reds seem to be more background noise and stuff to punch than a pivotal part of the story. What this one IS about is alien life forms (come on Spielberg/Lucas...really??) who in a feeble attempt to take the storyline full circle, places Indy back in the South American jungle where it all began. Shia LaBeouf ("Transformers") shows up as surprise, surprise...Indy's son. NOT. I could run down the list of films released as late as this year that they have ripped off elements of but whatever, they are only the 2 biggest film makers alive today tackling one of the most successful film franchises of all time. It wasn't a horrible movie by any means but certainly not a film that lets Indiana go out with a bang. Hey at least it didn't have Jar Jar Binks in it!

 

 

IRON MAN (A)

Robert Downey Jr. stars as Tony Stark, billionaire playboy weapons corporation executive. He nails the smart-ass, living the life of entitlement, jet set womanizer role. Downey's natural quirkiness is a great fit for this part and brings a darker, more off beat twist to the comic book hero. I'm not sure I completely bought the Gwyneth Paltrow part playing Pepper Potts. Terrence Howard ("Hustle and Flow") is in it cause I guess they needed a black guy but for the life of me, I have no idea why. The movie itself is fun as hell. Great special effects, and they support the story not drive it. I can't wait for the next one, this is a franchise that definitely has legs. I would love to see what Bryan Singer ("X-Men") could do directing the sequel instead of the just ok, Jon Favreau.

 

  Wall-E (C)

Wall-e is Pixar's latest offering to the animated film category. Unlike "Cars" and other Pixar films, Wall-e never really creates that connection with the viewer. Looking like #5 ("Short Circuit" 1986), Wall-e is a robot left behind on earth to clean up all our garbage. The inhabitants of earth are now gelatinous masses that resemble parade floats who can't seem to wipe their own backsides thanks to technology doing everything for them. Wall-e follows his true love of another robot back to the mother ship and rekindles the humanity of the species lost in a vacuum of consumerism. But you still never feel for the little guy so it doesn't work. Oh well.

 

  Get Smart (B)

The 46 yr. old Steve Carell ("Evan Almighty") stars along side 26 yr. old Anne Hathaway ("Princess Diaries") as supposed love interests. Maybe at the playboy mansion that works. Carell riding a wave of popularity from his hit TV show "The Office" - not the superior UK/BBC version, plays this one pretty straight. He allowed the comedy to come from the story instead of jamming in sight gags or trying to impersonate Don Adams who created the role for TV back in the 60's. Some decent supporting roles by Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson and Masi Oka of "Heroes" legend round out a better than average cast. All in all, cute ...a chuckle here and there, an okay film. At least they didn't make it retarded like Inspector Gadget.

 

  The Incredible Hulk (B)

Coming from the same studio as the extremely popular and brilliant "Iron Man," I have heard some direct comparisons that paint them in the same light. NO, no no no noooooooo. This is an alright movie mostly due to the strong performance turned in by Edward Norton ("The Illusionist") as Bruce Banner.  Notice I did not say, "as the hulk" cause he isn't. The creature is all CGI'd, which made me wonder thru the whole film why they couldn't have morphed Norton's face onto the creature instead of having it look nothing like him? Just like in "King Kong" they have problems with scale. Sometimes the creature is bigger than a tank, sometimes he's just tall. You'd think they would also have a computer program that fixes that by now. Go see "Iron Man" twice and wait to catch this one.

 

  Kung Fu Panda (A-)

I used to be a huge Jack Black fan and then he apparently went insane and started making the same movie over and over again. Something happens to Hollywood types when they have kids too. All of the sudden they are compelled to make children's films (see Shrek). I was incredibly surprised by "Kung Fu Panda." It is very funny and the creators had a strong sense of classic Kung Ku movies drawing on many typical themes. I really enjoyed this movie. It has an excellent message about an overweight Panda who finds his destiny not in conformity but in the pursuit of his own strengths. Black is great as the voice of the Panda, coloring between the lines of the script and only occasionally riffing off the page. A sweet and funny movie for all ages, well done. You did not defame the Shaolin Temple :)

 

  What Happens in Vegas (D)

This movie should have stayed in Vegas. I thought I was being PUnKed sitting thru it. Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz star as a wild night in Vegas leads two strangers to tear up the town, having them waking up married. Just as they agree on a quickie annulment, Kutcher drops a quarter in the slots and wins a huge jackpot. Now she wants half. Let the whacky humor ensue! Yeah, you wish. Come to think of it, this film was just like Vegas. The reality is that it's crowded, expensive and dirty unless you're hammered...which is exactly the way to see this film if you want to enjoy it.

 

  Baby Mama (B)

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler reteam from their SNL days to tell the story of Fey's character an infertile, single, career woman wanting a baby and Poehler, a white trash, trailer park inhabitant in need of some cash. It's a match made in heaven. Dax Shepard is really funny as Poehler's common law husband and the film is well written as would be expected from Fey. Poehler's single note comedy had me waiting for her to exclaim, "yeah I farted," any second. It is predictable and a little too sweet in the end but they are strong comedic performers and its a good story.

 

  Forgetting Sarah Marshall (B+)

The prolific writer, producer, director, Judd Apatow ("Knocked Up") re-teams with Jason Segel ("How I met your Mother") to spin another yarn of love gone wrong. This time, Segel is a musician who does background music for television shows and subsequently breaks up with his TV star girlfriend and then tries to clear his head by going to a resort to get away from thinking of her. As fate would have it, she's there too with her new boyfriend. It is not as funny as the rest of Apatow's work but still chocked full of yucks. Mila Kunis ("That 70's Show") plays the replacement g/f and is really good, I hope she finds more work in film. This movie reminded me a lot of Dudley Moore and Bo Derek in "10" - for a new millennium.

 

  Meet Dave (C+)

As a critic, you tryyyyy not to have too heavily entrenched preconceptions when a film comes out but you have a pretty good feel for the fact that BioDome 3 is gonna suck ass. I fully expected as much from "Meet Dave." Eddie Murphy stealing little kids money at the theater again in another hackneyed, lame premise that allows Murphy to play 30 characters, that, lets face it, we were sick of after "Coming to America."  I was pleasantly surprised to find otherwise. Yes, the gags, the premise and even the accents were old hat but Murphy was genuinely trying, something he hasn't done in decades. He didn't attempt to crush his fellow cast members with his all Me - all the time, usual scenery chewing style of over acting. It is still a worn out idea for a film but Murphy and cast get points for putting their all into it regardless.

 

  Wanted (C-)

Just imagine the Matrix if instead of being confusing, it was just stupid. The magical loom of the future tells a group of assassins who they should kill next to maintain the cosmic fabric of society. That's right, I said magic loom, like what you make a rug on, you got a problem with that? This Walter Mitty turned assassin story revolves around a mild-mannered office worker who gets roped into the organization by none other than Angelina Jolie after his father is killed. This secret fraternity that has existed for a thousand years is called...wait for it, "the fraternity!" You'd think after all that time, they could come up with a better name? Morgan  Freeman is in it too because ...I guess it's a law at this point that he must appear in every film.

 

  The Love Guru (F-)

Mike Myers stars as Guru Pitka, an American raised in India to become a popular L.A. spiritual advisor. I swear to you that the actual words, "Think Wayne's World meets Deepak Chopra," must have been uttered at the pitch for this stinker. Myers is still winking at the audience but I don't think anyone is winking back anymore. He has become the Mel Brooks of his generation, who's time has definitely come - and GONE. He has one (1) count it, one funny line in the whole movie. When greeting someone, he bestows the Hindu blessing upon them, "Mariska Hargitay." For those of you who didn't get it, she's an actress on "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit." If it wasn't for Justin Timberlake and his very funny portrayal of well endowed, hockey pro Jacques "Le Coq" Grande, the film would have received an H rating from me, 2 below an F. Myers even put freakin mini me in this one... its just sad, - really, really sad.

 

  The Happening (A)

M. Night Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong as I affectionately refer to him, takes another stab at freaking us out with "the Happening." During a typical day in the city, people just start offing themselves in the most grotesque ways they can think of for no apparent reason. At first, it is considered some form of terrorist attack but as the movie progresses, you see Night's twisted mind in full swing. Mark Wahlberg ("The Shooter") is really becoming a fine actor and he leads the cast as they all attempt to out run this mysterious plague or virus or toxin. As in the "Sixth Sense," I won't give the ending away but I give M. Night credit for making a point in an exceptionally interesting way.

 

  You Don't Mess with the Zohan (B+)

Adam Sandler returns as 'the Zohan' an Israeli special forces commando who flees to the United States to pursue his life's dream of becoming a hairdresser. I know what you are thinking, that old story, we've seen it a million times. Sandler is really good in this and has learned some restraint and pacing from his more dramatic roles of late. Don't get me wrong, this is still a very funny movie and very, very sandleresque but not too much so. He makes the comedy more about the clash of cultures than the characters which invites the audience in on the joke. Sandler keeps hitting the gym trying to make someone believe he's a sex symbol (he plays a hunkie calendar fireman in "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry"...come on??). If he isn't careful he might bulk his way right out of being funny. Look at Carrot Top!

 

  Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (C)

I absolutely loved the first film and was way ahead of the power curve as it didn't gain cult status until it reached the video stores for most. Gitmo doesn't treat our dynamic duo quite as well as New Jersey I'm afraid. This is quite typical of a sequel when they bring in writers to try to recapture lightening in a bottle. It almost never works and it didn't here either. They dumbed it wayyyy down and missed many of the more outrageous and uproarious moments in the first one, turning it into some watered down, national lampoon, straight to DVD version. At least it still had Neil Patrick Harris thank god.

 

  The Forbidden Kingdom (C-)

How do you have the onscreen paring of the 2 greatest martial artists in film working today, namely Jet Li and Jackie Chan, and have the production values of a 70's porn film? This thing looks like it was shot on super 8. The story is pretty lame as well, about some kid who dreams of being a kung fu master who teleports thru time to find himself embroiled in a centuries old, shaolin feud. There is some decent martial arts sequences but nothing spectacular and the main story revolves around Michael Angarano's character. Who?? exactly. Neither of these martial arts movie masters (say that 3 times fast) are getting any younger. It's a shame they wasted their time and talent on this Karate Kid meets Narnia schwag.

 

  21(B)

A group of MIT brainiacs get put together and taught how to count cards for black jack. Now it's off to Vegas to break the bank and not get caught. Kevin Spacey ("The Usual Suspects") is the math professor and ring leader who becomes challenged by the new wunderkind, Ben Campbell played by Jim Sturgess ("The Other Boleyn Girl"). Its a very good gambling movie ala "Rounders" for the majority of the film. They were shooting for a "Sting" type ending but it didn't take the casino's eye in the sky to see this twist coming from a mile away. With a better ending, this could have been an excellent film.

 

SPEED RACER (F)

As a kid, I grew up watching the 'Speed Racer' cartoon  everyday after school. As a life long fan of the Mach 5 crew, let me say without reservation - F YOU! How dare you take such an iconic cartoon and turn it into Roger Rabbit meets Cars. Horrible casting all around, including the stars Emile Hirsch ("Into the Wild") and Christina Ricci. This movie is ALL green screen and unfortunately is about as fun as one of those lame, virtual roller coaster simulators they have down at the mall. I hated every second of this stinker. How much of an idiot do you have to be to screw up the bulletproof concept of a boy and his car? Crash and burn A-holes! and quit raping my fondest childhood memories.

 

 

 

 

 Jumper (C-)

 

“Jumper” takes a big leap and lands with a thud. This film is about people who discover that they have the ability to teleport anywhere they want in a blink of an eye. It was cute in 1965 when Barbara Eden did it on TV in “I Dream of Jennie.” This time, it’s just a pathetic backdrop for some more blue screen, “look what we can do” technology. Although the movie begins as a fun, “what if?” story, it quickly deteriorates into an IMAX-esque experience.

 

Re-teaming Star Wars alumni Hayden (Skywalker) Christensen and Samuel L. Jackson as the jumper and the pursuer respectively, you don’t ever really get too attached to either character. Christensen’s wooden acting style has persisted since his protracted battle with the dark side of the Force. His love interest is the beautiful and newly anorexic Rachel Bilson (The O.C.) who really needs to eat a sandwich. I will partially chalk up her lethargic performance to a deficiency of carbohydrates. Jamie Bell (“Billy Elliot”) steals every seen he’s in and is the only entertaining actor working in this film.

 

I liked the liberating premise of being able to go anywhere and do most anything on a whim. Unfortunately, like most tech heavy films, the story falls away quickly and just serves to showcase the visual effects. They were shooting for National Geographic meets “The Matrix” but came away with something more akin to watching a regular action film while holding your finger down on the skip scene button on the DVD player.    

 

 

 Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show  (B)

 

“Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show” is a rip snorting, chucklefest that is part comedy concert and part road trip film. This film supports what I have been saying for a while, namely that Vince Vaughn would have been more entertaining just sitting around pointing a camera at him, than he has been in some of his more recent films (“Fred Clause, The Break-Up”).

 

Along with a cavalcade of lesser known stand-ups and Hollywood notables, Vaughn acts as the ringmaster of this circus of laughs. The concert portions especially, reminded me of an old time Vaudeville show or maybe some Bob Hope USO show for the troops but with a lot more swearing.

 

The time the crew spends traveling from place to place is just as much fun as you would imagine. Just picture plunking down on the couch between Vaughn and Jon Favreau in the scene where everyone is playing Playstation in “Swingers.” Arguably the film is about 15 minutes too long and some of the stand up routines included both their A and B material but all in all, a good time at the movies. It’s obvious that Vaughn and crew had just as much fun making this movie as you will watching it.

 

 

 The Eye   (C-)

 

“The Eye” is a remake of a so-so, Hong Kong horror film from a couple of years ago. In the same vein as “The Grudge,” Hollywood has taken to redoing or some might say, ripping off Asian cinema again, which can be traced all the way back to Kurosawa’s “Seven Samurai” becoming the Hollywood western, “The Magnificent Seven.” Usually, the original is much better than the remake, except for the subtitles. “The Eye” doesn’t break with tradition.

 

Starring Jessica Alba (“The Fantastic Four”) as a blind musician who receives a cornea transplant and while adjusting to her new eyes, she begins to see some bizarre things. This is basically a twist on the fairly well worn storyline of transplanted limbs and organs retaining the character of the donor, like in classic films like “Mad Love” starring Peter Lorre for example back in 1935! “The Eye” tries to scare you with some jump out and yell “boo!” moments mixed with creepy people wandering around hallways. It is really rather generic with no plot twists we haven’t seen before. Alba in the lead role is fun to look at but not as much fun to watch. She doesn’t quite have the acting chops to carry this mediocre film to beyond average. “The Eye” pales in comparison to recent films like the terrifying “1408” with John Cusak.

 

This movie had the feel of an episode of “The Night Gallery” TV show from the 60’s more than a stylized Hollywood spook movie. I would say skip it unless you really love Jessica Alba or you’re the kind of horror movie fan who sees everything that comes out… good, bad or just alright.

 

 Rambo (C)

 

“Rambo” is the long awaited follow up in the series that began back in 1982 with “First Blood.” In this film, John J. Rambo has left the western world behind to pursue some solitude and reflection in the remote jungles of Thailand. Trouble seems to find Rambo no matter where he goes as he is soon ensnared in another struggle to free some Christian aid workers held captive in Burma .

 

“First Blood” was an incredible film about the trials and tribulations of returning Vietnam veterans and their struggles to reassimilate into society. He was just a guy, not bothering anyone, who got hassled by the man. “Rambo” the movie however has no moral component, no humanity and therefore, no connection with the audience. The evil that the bad guy rebels do is obviously just there as justification for what they have coming to them once Rambo goes off. Unfortunately, Stallone pursued the notion of body count over storyline for this film. Once the safety is off and the shooting begins, it’s like I said in my 2008 Movie Preview – “2 hours of someone throwing raw hamburger at the camera and screaming.”

 

Even though Rambo in the film hits everything he aims at, Stallone as the writer/director/star missed the mark. It is always difficult to surpass the box office success of the original with the sequel, and god knows the last couple attempts have fallen way short but this movie was very disappointing in the sense that it seemed to think that Rambo’s ability to kill in the most profane manner imaginable was the only thing worth exploring in the character. All in all, a sad epitaph to a great film role.

 

 Untraceable (B-)

 

“Untraceable” is the story of an FBI tech unit, special agent tracking down a killer who uses the internet to do away with his victims. Everyone knows that on the web, the amount of page views you receive dictates your popularity and by extension, your worth. In this case, the more people that log onto the killer’s website, the quicker the victim dies. It is an interesting subtext and social commentary making the voyeuristic public complicit in the murder but the film glosses over that one thought provoking element in the story.

 

Ridiculous and implausible technology aside, Diane Lane ’s character as the FBI agent makes a valiant albeit fruitless attempt at educating the viewer like some cross between a fundamentals of personal computing class down at the junior college and calling tech support in India . The director was obviously shooting for some cat-and-mouse tension ala “The Silence of the Lambs” or “Se7en” but really came away with nothing more than a better than average episode of CSI. If they decide to make a sequel, perhaps next time, Lane’s character could use her cyber skills to tackle an episode of Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator.”

 

 

 Cloverfield  (A)

– A kick ass, heart-pumping, run for your life kind of movie!!

 

“Cloverfield,” having a somewhat nondescript albeit cryptic title, is a surprisingly good sci-fi film. Another successful J.J. Abrams production, this is the story of some young, New York, twenty-somethings who, while attending a going away party, find themselves caught up in an attack on the city. At first they don’t know any of the who, what or why’s and Abrams masterfully doesn’t fill in the blanks for you, opting instead to keep you guessing along with the characters in the film. Shot entirely in a first person point of view, it’s like “The Blair Witch Project” meets “War of the Worlds.” Although the hyper-jiggly, handheld camera work takes some getting used to, by the time the action starts, the camera becomes a character of its own.

 

The sign of a well crafted film is more often than not what the filmmaker chooses to leave out, as much as what they put in. Where as most science fiction movies of late are so special effects dominated that the story gets lost in all the technology, “Cloverfield” achieves a greater sense of dread, foreboding and down right fear with what it doesn’t show you. You cannot help but get swept up with the characters as they traverse the crumbling city bathed in chaos and destruction. “Cloverfield” does a superb job of breaking humanity down to its most basic elements of love, fear and survival. The film is experiential by nature, as you are more IN the film, than watching it.

 

Using New York City as the backdrop has a much more poignant effect in a post 9/11 world. Somewhat reminiscent of the disaster film genre of the 70’s, this movie is a kick ass, heart-pumping, run for your life kind of movie. “Cloverfield” is a disturbing, moving and ambiguous film that, unlike a Bruckheimer popcorn movie, doesn’t tie everything up in a neat little bow for the viewer by film’s end. It will be especially interesting to see how domestic audiences react to the non-Hollywood ending. In my opinion, this film raises the bar for what sci-fi movies should be and is one of the best science fiction films to come out in the last 20 years.

 

 

 The Bucket List (C-)

 

“The Bucket List” is the tale of two terminally ill, cancer patients who jump out of their hospital beds to do all the things they had dreamed of doing all their lives before they both die. This film stars screen legends Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Combine that cast with the brilliant and prolific direction of Rob Reiner (“When Harry Met Sally”) and you have a sure fire recipe for movie gold. Therefore, I can only blame this sappy, melodramatic, waste of time on the barely known writer, Justin Zackham. This movie makes “Cocoon” look like Shakespeare by comparison.

 

The premise is fine - a Carpe Diem, live in the now, don’t waste your life, message but everything they do to get there is just dopey. Nicholson plays a millionaire, hospital CEO who preaches the fiscal policy of one room – two beds, until he winds up having to occupy one after being diagnosed with cancer. Of course how else can you have a millionaire and an auto mechanic (Freeman) be roommates? Holy H.M.O. Batman! The rest is all Nicholson going way off the page and obviously adlibbing all over the place and Freeman playing the same wise, old sage he does in every picture he’s in. The remainder of the film is horrible green screen effects, weepy set pieces and fortune cookie dialogue. Someone should have told them not to get their bucket from the little house with the half moon cut out of the door.  

 

 

 The Great Debaters (A-)

 

“The Great Debaters” is a film about 1930’s African American students who find their way in a divided society through academics and debate. Denzel Washington stars in and directs this uplifting film about every individual’s worth being based on their own efforts and accomplishments and not dictated by the world around them.

 

Based on true events, the backdrop for this film is cliché and somewhat over-stereotyped but serves to make the students’ struggle and success all the more dramatic.  The larger context in this Oprah Winfrey produced film is subordinate to the stories of the individual students.  The collective cast of unknown, young actors and their performance is where all the merit for this movie lies. Denzel does a better than average job of directing in his 2^nd attempt and the film looks polished and well crafted throughout. Yes, it’s formulaic and predictable but still manages to deliver on that ‘we are the world’ warm and fuzzy feeling by film’s end. If you liked: “Stand and Deliver,” “Dangerous Minds,” “School Ties” and “Freedom Writers,” then you’ll like this movie.

 

 

 

  National Treasure 2 (A-)

 

“National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets” picks up where the first film left off. That is not to say that this isn’t a stand alone film and that if you didn’t see the first one, you’ll be lost here but just that it is a rather seamless continuation of the characters and basic storyline from the first. I really enjoyed this movie and unlike most sequels, it didn’t fall short of the original. In many respects, I would say it actually surpassed it.

 

All the key players return featuring Nicholas Cage as the treasure hunting historian, Ben Gates. Along with his trusty, high tech, sidekick Riley and fetching gal pal, Abigail, they set off to clear the Gates family name after a long hidden artifact points to some complicity in the Lincoln assassination by Gates’ great-grandfather.

 

This is a very fun ride as Gates and crew weave their way thru history and the mysteries of our national past. Cage plays his role well, chewing up less scenery and dialogue than usual. All the good lines go to Justin Bartha’s character Riley. There is plenty of Indiana Jones type adventure as the gang jet sets around the globe in their quest for history and treasure. It’s like the “antique road show” meets James Bond and it works. Two notable additions for this film are Helen Mirren (“The Queen”) as Ben’s Mom and Bruce Greenwood (“The Core”) as the President. Both are excellent. It’s one of those enjoyable films that you don’t want to end. A mysterious conversation between Gates and the President concerning page 47 in the book of secrets should guarantee that the franchise will continue. I can’t wait. After all, who doesn’t love a good conspiracy?

 

 

  Charlie Wilson’s War (B)

  

“Charlie Wilson’s War” is a semi biographical film about a lesser known Texas Congressman who used his position on key comities to influence the U.S. participation in the war between the Afghan freedom fighters and the invading Soviet army that took place in the 80’s. See, back then when the Russians did it, they were called invaders, occupiers and imperialists and members of the Taliban were referred to as freedom fighters. “Charlie Wilson’s War” follows the exploits of both the womanizing, hard drinking Congressman played by Tom Hanks and his political muse, in the form of Julia Roberts. Although this Cliff’s Notes version of geopolitical, Middle Eastern history is entertaining and mildly thought provoking, I found both Hanks and especially Roberts’ performances to be distracting.

 

Hanks seems like a grown up version of the his character in the movie “Bachelor Party” and Roberts is this fountain of highly classified, extremely detailed military info hiding under the craziest hairdo I have seen since the Phil Spector trial, both of them doing the worst kind of Foghorn Leghorn southern accents. Contrast that with the winning performance of Philip Seymour Hoffman as the dumpy albeit charming CIA agent. The banter between his character and Hanks’ is the highlight of the movie.

 

It is a good movie, modestly funny and remotely educational but I didn’t like it as much as those who are claiming it to be the best film of the year. Hanks and Roberts are getting praise more for being Hanks and Roberts rather than for their performances. I thought the film was amusing, and did serve to catch people up on some of how we got to where we find ourselves in the world today, so for that and Hoffman’s performance, I would recommend it.

 

 

  I Am Legend (B+)

 

“I Am Legend” is actually a film based on a very popular science fiction story written in the 50’s about the last man on Earth. So far it has been adapted for the screen directly 3 times. Previous to this, under the title of “The Omega Man” staring Charleton Heston back in 1971. The basic premise of a super virus wiping out humanity and leaving a single survivor to battle the mutated remnants of society however has been well worn territory for movies. In the 50’s, this kind of fiction was in direct response to the cold war tensions and looming planetary destruction as we entered a nuclear age. It is an interesting phenomenon that movies of this type seem to resurrect themselves at a time when a society manifests its greatest real world fear. Socio-political commentary aside, “I Am Legend” is 75% of a very good movie.

 

I enjoyed the setup based on the idea that man’s own hubris in creating a theoretically benevolent cure, ultimately leads to our own mass destruction. Will Smith stars as Robert Neville, the last man standing as it were. He is not completely alone however. He has his dog to keep him company and a city full of zombie ghouls who come out at night to hunt for him. Smith’s usual craftsman-like approach to the role and his take on trying to avoid the madness that comes from such a solitary existence is reminiscent of Tom Hanks’ performance in “Castaway.” Smith carries the film and the storyline for a good long way but when the action begins to accelerate and the focus shifts from Smith’s performance to the CGI special effects, “I Am Legend” goes off the tracks.

 

Music video director Francis Lawrence was a bit in over his head tackling this blockbuster size project and everything that isn’t Will Smith, isn’t very good. An interesting bit of trivia about “I Am Legend,” is that where in most films, where they use CGI to put in legions of soldiers, or robots or penguins, in this film, they shot on the streets of New York and then used CGI to take all the real people OUT of the scenes in order to create the post apocalyptic world that Robert Neville finds himself in. The ghouls were originally shot with makeup and then done over with CGI in post production because they weren’t scary enough, which didn’t really work.

 

This movie has been bouncing around Hollywood for over 10 years and was originally going to star Arnold Schwarzenegger but the studios had always balked at the budget required to bring the visuals of the book to life. The only way they finally got this film green lighted was to coincide the movie’s release with that of the corresponding video game, which also explains the too soft, kid friendly, PG-13 rating. Smith gets kudos for not only being the last man on Earth, but also the only good thing about this movie.

 

 

 Awake (B-)

 

“Awake” is the highly ambitious story of a young, corporate wunderkind who has the world at his feet but a serious heart ailment that may cause him to lose it all. The jr. mogul, played by Hayden Christensen (Anakin Skywalker) has just found the love of his life, portrayed by Jessica Alba (“Fantastic Four”) and as luck would have it, a donor heart has become available for his necessary transplant.

 

Although his mother doesn’t approve of his relationship with Alba’s working class character, everything else seems to be looking up, that is until his good friend and cardiologist, played by Terrance Howard (“Hustle and Flow”) begins the surgery. It seems as though he is suffering from a rare condition in which you are fully awake during surgery inside but seem completely knocked out on the outside. You can feel them cutting you and you can hear everything, but you’re basically trapped inside your own lifeless body for the whole procedure. To make maters worse, Christensen’s character overhears a scheme to do away with him as they begin to crack open his chest.

 

From here on out, the plot attempts to thicken with mixed success. The story has more than its fair share of twists and turns and misdirection but struggles with the method itself, as most of these elements are done with somewhat repetitive style in flashbacks. The actors are great, perhaps better than their performances in this case and I really had high hopes for the premise. The clunky plot devises take away from what could have been a much better film in the hands of a superior director. At film’s end, they make an attempt at salvation with an ending you will either love or hate, but that I won’t give away here. The film is good enough but suffers from the spectre of its own unrealized potential of what it could have been.

 

 

 

 Hitman  (C)

…is a miss, except for the most ardent fans of the video game it’s based on.

 

“Hitman” is an adaptation of the popular video game of the same name. Although I understand that it is a better than average interpretation of the game, I will just review it as a film. If you have seen the artistic and almost religious trailers for this film, you will see most of the main character’s back story that doesn’t even appear in the actual movie. It just starts in the middle, well the end actually but definitely not at the beginning. As such, you don’t really connect with the assassin or his motivations other than thru some mind’s eye flashbacks that have little or no continuity to the rest of the film. Where he’s from, they don’t have names, they just have numbers. 47 as he is known is played stoically by Timothy Olyphant (“Live Free or Die Hard,”) the killing machine who is unstoppable and one step ahead of all his pursuers.

 

Along the way he encounters the beautiful Nika (Olga Kurylenko,) who is far and away the best thing in the film. She attempts to bond with what remnants of humanity still exist within Agent 47.  Olyphant’s character however opts to drug her or throw her in the trunk of his car anytime she tries to get close to him. There is a dreary Interpol agent and some pathetic soviet block actors who basically just line up to get shot down or blown up or both. For all the action sequences in this film, it is rather tame and a little slow and since you have as much of a relationship with the characters as you would with ‘player 1’ in a video game, you just kind of sit there numb waiting for it to be game over. I would say this movie would be an enjoyable experience for fans of the game but a “skip it” for the general public. This is exactly the kind of project that will get shown 10 times a day on The Movie Channel three months from now.

 

 

 

 Enchanted (B-)

 

“Enchanted” is Disney’s latest offering in which a typical fairytale princess and her prince charming cross over into reality and find themselves having to cope with the harsh streets of New York City . Dey ain’t in da freakin enchanted forest no mores. This is actually a very cute premise for a movie and since it’s Disney, they don’t have far to go for source material. Amy Adams (“Talladega Nights”) portrays the sweet and innocent princess Giselle. Her wide-eyed demeanor and animated gestures give testament to what must have been thousands of viewings of Snow White and Cinderella, as she does justice to the role.

 

Patrick Dempsey (“Doctor Mc-whatevery from Grey’s Anatomy) plays the cynical, divorce lawyer who comes to the princess’ rescue and finds new meaning for true love. The movie spends a bit too much time on the animated set up since much of the material is taken from Disney classics but once the fairytale characters start popping up thru a manhole cover in Time Square, the fun begins.

 

I would have really liked for it to cross generational boundaries like “Cars” or “Tom and Jerry” cartoons did, where there is something for kids and adults alike. This material was full of opportunity to have fun with the prince charming notion and what a fairytale in modernity would look like. They keep it strictly for the 9 year old girls in the audience though, so it’s cute and sweet and nice but definitely for the little ones. If you are forced…I mean, have the opportunity to take a grade schooler to the movies this holiday season, this one won’t be too bad to sit through and it might even make you smile.

 

 

  Beowulf  (C-)

 

“Beowulf” is a classic literary tale presented by director Robert Zemeckis (“Back to the Future”), in brand new, life-like animation. “This is SPARTA !” oh wait, no it’s not. After Zemeckis danced with the animation devil in “The Polar Express” he returned to the caldron to conjure up this latest incarnation. Eye of newt, lots of blood, a DVD copy of “300” and toss in some 3-D glasses for that jump off the screen effect and you have a potion meant to bedazzle and mystify the viewer.

 

Although ambitious, this technology needs to stay on its side of the fence - over in the video game section and leave the film acting to real live people. Granted it’s not like watching the animatronics Hall of Presidents at Disneyland but it’s not authentic either. “Beowulf” stars…well, no one actually. While wooden actors like Keanu Reeves, (who I have long thought to be a robot anyway), should be worried, the movies still need people to be considered live action. There are loads of fighting and blood and screaming in this film but it never escapes the bonds of being artificial. Where as “300” had completely computer generated backgrounds, “Beowulf” is all high tech but with the dead, lifeless eyes of a doll.

 

Yes, you can make the computer generated Angelina Jolie do things the real life version won’t but that is only titillating to pimply faced adolescents who spend way too much time with their hand on their joystick. Zemeckis thinks he’s figured out a way to eliminate the actors. While that may be every director’s dream, now he’s trying to get rid of the story, the emotion and the whole reason to go to the movies in the first place. “Beowulf” is an interesting experiment in technology but just like cloning sheep, there should be some ethical boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. Just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you should.

 

 

  Lions for Lambs (C)

“Lions for Lambs” is another in a string of recent current events movies tackling the complexities of the War on Terror. Interestingly, this film was written by the same person who wrote the screenplay for “The Kingdom” although with a significantly different point of view this time. What do you get when you combine screen legends; Robert Redford (who also directed), Meryl Streep and Tom Cruise? Well, let’s just say a more appropriate title for this film might have been “The Hammer and the Cheese.” It is super cheesy in fact and the script is horrible. The hammer part comes from them beating you over the head with their obvious diatribes on the war and politics.

Redford turns in an enigmatic, if not confusing role as a college professor trying to rekindle the passion of a disenchanted and jaded student. In one breath, espousing the futility of war that he understood as an end result of going to Vietnam and in the next, some back door encouragement for the student to enlist.  This storyline inter cuts with the perils of two of his previous students who are now serving in Afghanistan. What happens to them is too ridiculous to even comment on.

Cruise turns in his worse performance since “Vanilla Sky” and is utterly unbelievable as the hawkish, up-and-coming Congressman trying to use the war to advance his own political agenda. He is like a cross between John Edwards and Dick Cheney in this role and you don’t resonate with anything his character is selling.

Poor Meryl Streep tried desperately to scrape some semblance of reason or meaning out of this film as she played the seasoned, veteran reporter on the Washington beat. Unfortunately all she was given to work with was eye acting. This is where Cruise makes a speech and then they cut to Streep for a reaction shot, telling the audience through her expression how we should all feel. Fast forward to the film’s conclusion and she is left to deliver the “big speech.” In film making there is a thing called exposition. This is where a character fills in a bunch of key facts that are important to the storyline but the director has opted not to actually film. Streep gets the honor of telling us all about what the filmmakers really think in one, long monologue.

“Lions for Lambs” is a poorly crafted, sloppily written film with lackluster acting and an obvious and beat you over the head style of story telling. I’m sure Redford and the screenwriter felt better about themselves for doing it, but the audience certainly won’t have the same experience.

 

  American Gangster (A-)

“American Gangster” is the real life story of Frank Lucas, the godfather of Harlem. In the late 60’s and early 70’s, his power eclipsed that of even the mafia in New York, as he was the primary distributor of heroin in the city. Lucas’ rise to prominence went largely unnoticed as he was a master of keeping a low profile and off the radar of both law enforcement and his rivals.

All goes well for Lucas (Denzel Washington) until he crosses paths with an incorruptible narcotics cop named Richie Roberts played by Russell Crowe. Roberts’ success as a cop is offset by his completely dysfunctional personal life which is in direct contrast to Lucas’ American Dream lifestyle.

Ridley Scott (“Gladiator”) directed this two and half hour long production and although the acting is what you would expect from these heavy weights and the story engaging, Lucas’ life comes off as more of a cross between “Scarface” and “The Cosby Show.” He is like a black Don Corleone in a v-neck cardigan. Crowe also revisits his butchering of a jersey accent that he started in “Cinderella Man.” A surprisingly menacing performance is turned in by Josh Brolin (“Into the Deep”), who has played a string of heavy, bad guys of late but manages to make each one unique and equally intense. A laundry list of recognizable supporting cast fill out the other roles.

It was a very good film, with an interesting story and historically accurate. Not as much violence as you would think being a mob film and keeping with real life events, Crowe and Washington don’t really pull any significant screen time together. The ending seems rushed and a bit anticlimactic, but all in all a better than average film and albeit two plus hours, doesn’t drag. This movie is already getting Oscar buzz but in order to go home with a statue, this year’s field of competitors will have to be weaker than usual. It’s a first rate but not great gangster film.

 

  Rendition (B)

… Is the torture of one innocent man worth the possibility of saving thousands of lives?

“Rendition” is a film about the current U.S. government policy of shipping suspected terrorists to countries that don’t prohibit torture in order to elicit confessions using methods other than those approved for use within the confines of our borders. In this case, the CIA snatches an Egyptian engineer who has lived in America since he was 14. He graduated from NYU, has no discernable accent, or any apparent connections to anything questionable, he even has an American wife (Reese Witherspoon). A random wrong number shows up on his cell phone and before you can say Abu Ghraib, he’s in a 3ft. by 3ft. cell with battery cables hooked to his halla-hallas.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays the rookie CIA case officer overseeing the interrogation. As the torture progresses, it becomes apparent that they have the wrong man. The policy however doesn’t allow for right or wrong, just answers by any means. Meryl Streep is wasted here as the evil, heartless CIA director in charge of the investigation. She is too good an actress to be given this generic of a part. Some of the best acting in the film comes from the foreign cast, including the Interrogator and his family. Unfortunately, much like last years film “Babel,” this movie crams too many storylines together for any one character to have enough screen time to fully develop. In the end, it’s a decent but preachy film about how torture is bad, especially when you do it to someone who’s innocent.

 It is a sad commentary on our contemporary society to think that we even need that message driven home. The current wave of Middle Eastern, foreign policy related films (“The Kingdom,”etc.) all play it disappointingly safe. No one has yet to really probe the more controversial, ethical elements of our current situation in film. As yet, this war has no “Coming Home” or “Apocalypse Now,” just more fodder for the red state/blue state silliness.

 

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (D-)

The only thing longer than the title is the movie itself!

“The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford” stars Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck, Sam Rockwell and a cavalcade of decent, modern character actors. As the title would suggest, this is the story about one Bob Ford (Affleck), a young man so enamored with the legend of Jesse James that he seeks him out in order to join his gang and become famous in his own right.  James, played by Pitt, is less than impressed with Ford’s determination. Over 2 ½ hours later (!!!), Jesse finally stands upon a chair to straighten a picture and takes one in the back of the head from the coward Ford. By that point, I wanted to shoot them all.

Other critics have touted the performances in this film and the attention to historical detail. Let me warn you in advance that those opinions are completely wrong. Pitt spends the entirety of the movie staring out wavy glass windows with a glazed look in his eye. Affleck vacillates between seemingly normal and some creepy, homoerotic stalker. He’s just plain weird in this movie. There is a useless voice over narration that attempts to fill in even more mundane facts as you plod along through this boring, depressing slog of a film. The only thing this movie illustrates is why no one has ever heard of Robert Ford and this movie will do nothing to change that. It’s like having someone read a book aloud to you on film. It takes tremendous skill to transform the gun-toting legend of Jesse James into the worst high school history lesson you ever had. Just dreadful!

 

Elizabeth: The Golden Age (A)

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!

“Elizabeth: the Golden Age” tells the tale of Queen Elizabeth I of England, Sir Francis Drake, the King of Spain and Mary Queen of Scots, that we all vaguely remember from history class. Usually these Merchant Ivory type productions are blah, blah, blah followed by snore, snore, snore. “Elizabeth” is none of that. Instead, it’s more like “Braveheart” with pirates, spies, intrigue, treachery, lust and battle. This is a really good film and I recommend going to see it for anyone, regardless of age or gender. The acting is excellent, the cinematography and costuming is outstanding, and the writing is brisk and entertaining.

Cate Blanchett (Queen Elizabeth) knocks one out of the park here and is a lock for an Oscar nomination. In this film she is more like a female Bruce Willis in “Die Hard” than a pasty, preening Shakespearean character. When she doubles her fist and bellows, “By God, England will not fall while I am Queen!” you believe her. Clive Owen (“Children of Men”) co-stars as Sir Francis Drake the privateer/adventurer who enters into a tumultuous relationship with the Queen, shining a light on the great burden associated with the weight of a crown. If I list all the great actors and Academy Award winners in this film, I won’t have any room left to again suggest that you give this movie a chance; it is not what you think…it’s GOOD!

 

  We Own the Night (C)

…it’s the daytime they have a problem with.

“We Own the Night” is the motto of the N.Y. crime task force who had to deal with the newly arrived Russian mob hell-bent on taking over the city’s drug trade. Starring Joaquin Phoenix, Mark Wahlberg and Robert Duvall, “We Own the Night” should have been a great movie. Instead, it’s slow, dull and as predictable as an episode of “Matlock.” Phoenix plays Bobby Green, a night club manager whose party time friends don’t exactly go with his family full of cops. Wahlberg plays his brother, a cop and Duvall, his father the police chief. When the Russian mob takes out contracts on the cops who are hassling them, Phoenix’s character is caught in the middle.
This cavalcade of actors is given nothing much to work with and the paper thin story line is so plodding and rudimentary as to make a 2 hour film seem like four. If you have seen any TV cop show in the last 25 years, you’ve already seen this film. You know a picture has its priorities in the wrong place when half the cast pulls a producer credit at the end of the movie. If you want to see a good Russian mob film, try to find “Eastern Promises” still in the theaters and skip this generic snoozer.

 

  The Heartbreak Kid (B)

“The Heartbreak Kid” is the Farrelly brothers’ latest comedy about a devout bachelor (Ben Stiller), who finally thinks he’s met misses right and decides to take the plunge. During the honeymoon it becomes brutally apparent that he’s made a huge mistake. To compound his dilemma, he meets his soul mate and falls in love. This film has all the gross sight gags and humor that has become the hallmark of the Farrellys. There are some disgustingly hilarious moments and Stiller’s classic slow burn is perfect to offset the outrageousness. Stiller however, also happens to be part of the problem with “The Heartbreak Kid”

The Farrellys have made some lackluster movies of late and so they went back to what really put them on the map, namely “There’s Something About Mary.” Unfortunately, they went back maybe a little too much, as this film is so reminiscent, that if anyone else but the Farrellys had made it, everyone would be crying “rip-off!” To cast Ben Stiller and Cameron Diaz look-alike, Malin Akerman (“Harold and Kumar”) in the leading roles was too weird. The jokes are still worth the price of admission but it would have been so much better if they had been less redundant and self plagiarizing.

 

  The Kingdom  (B-)

“The Kingdom” tells the story of an elite FBI team that travels to Saudi Arabia after a terrorist bombing inside an American compound. This is a Bruckheimer style action film that tackles mid-east politics with the same insight and comprehension as Fox News. That is to say, there are good guys, us and bad guys, them. Let the shooting begin. After this oversimplified tale points fingers all over the place without any explanation, you can always tell the evil doers by the Italian restaurant table clothes on their heads. THEN, which is really uncharacteristic, after the shooting, all the rough and tumble FBI agents start crying all over the place. It seems more like weepy, afternoon soap opera crying than genuine emotion. Sure, a lot of stuff gets blowed up real good but the storyline is pedestrian and the acting a strange mix of over-the-top melodrama and dumb one liners.

With a cast that includes: Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx (“Ray”), veteran actor Chris Cooper (“Breach”) and girl-power, super star Jennifer Garner (“Alias”), your expectations can’t help but run high. Then Jason Bateman (“Teen Wolf Too”) and Jeremy Piven (“Entourage”) show up and ruin every scene they are in. If you were one of the 65% of Americans who mistakenly thought that 9/11 was the reason we should go to war with Iraq, then this is your film. Not once in this film does the writer or director even attempt to search for meaning or motivation for the individuals on the other side of the ideology. The tumultuous and complex world we live in is nowhere near as simple as this film would like you to believe. On the other hand, I’m sure President Bush has a new favorite film.

 

SCORE CARD  NEW!

(A+) - Very good to Great film, a must see!

(A)   - Really Good film, enjoyable time at the movies

(A-) - Good movie with one or two small problems

(B+) - Oh so close to being good

(B) - Will appeal to most

(B-) - Usually an average movie with a standout role

(C+) - Just ok, delivers on promise

(C)   - Completely average film, nothing special

(C-) - Just slightly better than sucking

(D) - Is for Dumb!

(F) - HORRIBLE. I want my money and my time back and I urge you to burn the original print and never speak of this film again.

 

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